My mom doesn't get it. — The Bump
Trouble TTC

My mom doesn't get it.

I just finally told my mom tonight that I'm going to the doctor to get some testing done.

Up until this point, I haven't talked to her about any of our TTC journey. I've kept it completely secret.

I chose to tell her tonight because she's been really hurting my feelings lately with comments like "I keep waiting for someone to give me a grandchild." Lately, since my brother and his fiance broke up, her new favourite saying is "Well there's no hope for grandkids from him any time soon, so it's all up to you."

She even says things to people when we're out together. For example, if they mention they're new grandparents my mom will half look at me and say "We're still waaaaiting...." 

I was starting to really feel hurt... like I'm a failure. I already feel that way every time I get my hopes up and then I get my period. 

So, tonight, I told her and I also said that I get defensive when she makes comments - but I still don't think she gets it. She sort of brushed it off like ... oh yeah, that's great, you should get that testing done so you can get back to making a baby. 

Ugh. Now that I'm off the phone I think it was a mistake to even mention it. 

:(

Have any of you had to deal with parents acting like this? It's really not cool. 

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Re: My mom doesn't get it.

  • I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  Sounds awful.  I don't have a similar problem, but have you seen this website? https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/

    ...


    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Philo
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    Baby N conceived after 1 miscarriage and more than 2 years of TTC. Diagnosis was low sperm count. We found success after 3 months of anastrozole to increase DH's testosterone and one IUI.
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    I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive. - Happy Gilmore
  • I'm sorry.  Hopefully your mom come around.
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  • I also regret telling my mom about my TTC Journey.  She just doesn't understand.  She doesnt say hurtful things but I think she is just naive about the whole infertility topic.  When I first told her we were going for testing and we would probably be doing some sort of treatment, she actually asked if I could just try vitamins.  Hmmm, mom, vitamins, nobody thought of that! Just this weekend I found out she told my brother who in turn, told my cousin (neither of whom I am close with).  I guess I just assumed she understood this was a private issue. 

    I'm sorry you are dealing with an insensitive mom! Good luck to you!

    Married DH September 2008
    DD1 Born March 2012
    DD2 Due November 2014

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  • ((HUGS))  Sorry I don't have any advice for you.  I hope she will wise up soon.
  • I'm so sorry :(

    My mom is the only parent who gets it. My stepdad, dad and stepmom don't get it and it's very frustrating.  

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    Little Slick
    Born 6.26.10
    Forever a Family 11.26.12
  • My mom has been pretty cool about it all, but she can get all up in my ute and ask if I took my meds yet this cycle, am I having any symptoms, etc.  She's just trying to show me she cares.  My MIL and Sisters-In-Law are trying to be supportive, but their words feel like pressure or insensitive.  DH says I just don't understand them, and its true.  I hate the "God will give you a baby when it's time" comment.  That's the worst, like God doesn't want me to be pg and I'm going against his plan by getting upset that it hasn't happened yet.  I love them all, but it's hard to reconcile their sometimes thoughtless comments with how much I know they love me.
    TTC #1 2+ Years with Unexplained IF
    1st & Only BFP: 1st IVF w/ ICSI, 3dt of 2 7-cell, grade 2 embryos on 8/25/12
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  • ELF4321ELF4321 member

    We have not told DH's family we've been trying or having trouble, because MIL wouldn't keep it to herself -- every second cousin from coast to coast would know our business in detail --  and we didn't want to deal with her constantly asking about it. 

    MIL used to harp on the baby issue constantly, including once commenting to me "tick tock, tick tock" and asking DH in front of all of his aunts/uncles/cousins if there was some medical reason we weren't giving her a grandchild that she should know about. 

    We pretty much just tried to not respond at all.  Until the time she came to town to visit and was all "oh, I hope I'm not trouble staying with you".  So I replied, "Don't be silly, we don't mind at all.  But one word about babies and I'm dropping you off at the Best Western."   That was over a year ago and she hasn't mentioned babies since then.


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  • Sorry you are going through this, its hard, because alot of people dont actually get it unless they have been through it. I am lucky my Mom and my Sister get it, my mom actually cried on the phone with me while I was crying telling her about my DH count numbers, but my Dr was a azzhat and basically said, yep he is the problem, your only chance is IVF, since then we have gone to a RE and feel a little better about our problem.
    1st Iui+Clomid+Ovidrel 8-13-11 BFP
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    Beta @20dpiui=1309
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    Madelynn Elizabeth born 31w6d's due to pre e.
    Welcome to the world princess!
    3-9-12
    3.7lbs/ 17 inches
  • imageRaggedy1:
    My mom has been pretty cool about it all, but she can get all up in my ute and ask if I took my meds yet this cycle, am I having any symptoms, etc.  She's just trying to show me she cares.  My MIL and Sisters-In-Law are trying to be supportive, but their words feel like pressure or insensitive.  DH says I just don't understand them, and its true.  I hate the "God will give you a baby when it's time" comment.  That's the worst, like God doesn't want me to be pg and I'm going against his plan by getting upset that it hasn't happened yet.  I love them all, but it's hard to reconcile their sometimes thoughtless comments with how much I know they love me.

    That line actually made me snort with laughter. My mom def gets all up in my ute. She's so far up my ute she's hand picking the eggs from my ovaries for her perfect grandchild hahaha. 

    I totally get how you feel with those kinds of comments. And it's the same with my mom... she means well and she's just overly excited. I know when it happens she's going to be ridiculously happy and maybe I need to remember she loves me and she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. 

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  • imageChicagoWeded2007:

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  Sounds awful.  I don't have a similar problem, but have you seen this website? https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/

    ...

     That's a great link. Thank you!

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  • imagejstrat53:

    I also regret telling my mom about my TTC Journey.  She just doesn't understand.  She doesnt say hurtful things but I think she is just naive about the whole infertility topic.  When I first told her we were going for testing and we would probably be doing some sort of treatment, she actually asked if I could just try vitamins.  Hmmm, mom, vitamins, nobody thought of that! Just this weekend I found out she told my brother who in turn, told my cousin (neither of whom I am close with).  I guess I just assumed she understood this was a private issue. 

    I'm sorry you are dealing with an insensitive mom! Good luck to you!

    Yes, I think that's my mom's issue. She doesn't understand it. She thinks everyone has 28-day cycles and you make babies on day 14 and you stand on your head to make the sperm go straight to your egg.

    I too worry that she might tell others... like her sisters. If my grandma finds out it's all over. The whole town will know. 

    I hope things improve for you, too!

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  • Thanks ladies for the thoughtful comments... very helpful. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and also nice just to receive some kind support.

     :) I feel much better! thanks for letting me rant. 

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  • ((hugs))  Sorry your mom isn't being as supportive as you would like. 

    "When the world says, 'Give up,' Hope whispers, 'Try one more time.'" -Anonymous

  • *pregnancy mentioned*

     

    I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation.  I do know how it feels (although my BIL's wife is pregnant) we've gotten that kind of pressure despite my husband sharing (lots) with his parents.  It's frustrating and hurtful and I'm so sorry you're going through that. 

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  • imageBillysun:
    imagejstrat53:

    I also regret telling my mom about my TTC Journey.  She just doesn't understand.  She doesnt say hurtful things but I think she is just naive about the whole infertility topic.  When I first told her we were going for testing and we would probably be doing some sort of treatment, she actually asked if I could just try vitamins.  Hmmm, mom, vitamins, nobody thought of that! Just this weekend I found out she told my brother who in turn, told my cousin (neither of whom I am close with).  I guess I just assumed she understood this was a private issue. 

    I'm sorry you are dealing with an insensitive mom! Good luck to you!

    Yes, I think that's my mom's issue. She doesn't understand it. She thinks everyone has 28-day cycles and you make babies on day 14 and you stand on your head to make the sperm go straight to your egg.

    I too worry that she might tell others... like her sisters. If my grandma finds out it's all over. The whole town will know. 

    I hope things improve for you, too!

    This was my issue with telling my mom - she has 5 sisters and they are all really close.   I ended up having to tell my mom we were having problems and what they were - and that we are seeing a specialist for them.  But I don't tell her the day-to-day details about what I'm taking or when I'm doing a procedure, etc.   I also told her not to tell my Aunts - now I'm not sure if she has or not - both my husband and sister think she must have told them something.  I suspect that she might have - but it actually may have worked in my favor since I haven't heard any 'baby' comments from them in a while.   Best of luck - this never gets any easier!

     TTC #1 since 6/09
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  • I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I wish I had advice for you. My parents have been great and very supportive. I'm not sure how much my H has told his parents, but I only see my MIL once maybe twice a year.

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  • Ugh, I'm sorry that you're having doubts. Maybe she just needs to let the conversation sink in. I know where you're coming from though.

    My MIL was like that as well, and after I told her about our troubles, she did end up backing off a bit, but I really don't think she gets it either since comments still keep coming up. She even laughed and said to DH "Hey T, why can't you get your wife pregnant?" AFTER I told her.... Not funny.

    On the other hand, I wish my own mother would make more "Where are my grandchildren" comments. I think my mother would rather see me never have children. If I mention anything about kids, she changes the subject.

     

  • Sorry you are going thru all this. I too have a very crazy mother that only knows about our struggles cause of my m/c last Nov. She had told the whole family of my pregnancy within 12 hours. Too bad the following week I m/c and she had to untell everyone. If I mention that I am tired she tells the whole family that I am pregnant again and when I see them they all ask "So your pregnant again?!"

    My mother also has a problem with understanding just cause her ute worked just fine and produced 3 kid by 30 that my does not work as well. That even with her health problems that she never had these issues so i should not have them. She also told me that I was wrong and that after you O that it is 14 dyas til your period started. Angry Then as I go along and get diagnosed she says she has known I had that for years cause of weight gain and hair growing on my chin, etc. She also then goes on to tell every family member about my issues and how I should change my diet to some cave man diet that is the fad now. I have a hard time foloowing her advise for health as she let her diabetes get so outta hand she is on 4 insulin shots a day. Tongue Tied

    My IL's are in their 70's so we do not share or try to explain anything to them cause it gets lost in translation and they too have nothing better to talk about in thier lives than other peoples problems. They wanted answers for my m/c and we had to tell them just to stop asking cause we are never going to get them and neither will they.

    I hate that IF makes me so angry and bitter to try explaining to family but they don't get it and their "helpful" suggestions don't help.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Began TTC July 09 Began Charting August 2010 BFP 10.28.10 Natural M/C 11.12.10 DX PCOS May 2011 DH SA= perfect First round Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI/Prog. July 2011 BFP 7/19/11 Grow Baby Grow!! Due Date 3/27/2012 first beta 7/22 542 second beta 7/25 958 She is here!! Sarah Bethany born 3/20/12 @ 4:13am 6lbs. 15oz. 19inches long
  • I'm sorry your mother doesn't get it. My mother was the same way at the begin. She actually told me "I don't understand why you are having problems no one else in the family had problems getting pregnant?!?!" Thanks mom please don't say that to my DH that has morph problems.

    She knows everything that we are going through and knew I was going in for ER on Monday. She called me twice on Monday and never asked how it went. I actually had to get upset with her yesterday for her to even remember what was going on this week. WTF! That's my mother for you!

    And then there is my MIL who knows nothing and at this point will never know anything. She showed up to our house on Monday unannounced. I was in bed sleeping it could not have been 2 hours after we got home from ER. My H told her I was sick. I got one phone call and two texted messages asking me how I was feeling Monday night. I could only imagine what she would be like if she knew what was really going on. If I could combine my mother and my MIL I might get a happy medium. lol

    imageimage
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    TTC Since 2/2009
    2/2010 - 5/2010 Testing with OBGYN
    8/2010 First RE Appointment
    11/2010 Second Opinion RE Appointment
    12/2010 Clomid + IUI #1 = BFN
    1/2011 Clomid + IUI #2 = BFN
    2/2011 Clomid + IUI #3 = BFN
    5/2011 IVF #1, ET 6/2, Beta 6/15 = BFN
    8/2011 FET ET 9/12 = BFN :0(
    On a break to save money.
    1/2012 IVF #2 ER 1/12, ET 1/15, Beta 1/27 = BFFN
    4/2012 FET ET ??/?? =
    p/saif welcome
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