SS help needed! Might DD later
I have some serious issues with SS and would like some advice. I might DD this later, as I suspect I have some family members that frequent the site.
My SS is about to be 13 and things are a bit out of control as of recently. He's always been kind of rough with the animals but in the past 6 months or so it has turned into downright abuse, he's very very cruel, especially to the kitten. He will pick him up by the tail/leg/ears, smack him around, kick him, put him under a pillow and sit on him, lock him in the fridge, etc. and think all of this is funny.
We are constantly reprimanding him and I feel like I repeat myself about 300 times a day telling him to leave the cat alone.
He's ok with my dogs (pit mixes) but I suspect that being more out of "oh that dog could hurt me if he wanted to" than anything else.
DH told he he used to catch him kicking his dogs frequently when he was younger. Up until recently I thought the animal abuse was a new thing but apparently it has been going on for a while.
What is really scary to me is that he has no remorse for what he does. The kitten will be screeching in pain and he still won't let go of him until we say so. He's got scratches and bite marks all over his arms and hands, from a pretty docile kitten (me and DH never get scratched by him, ever).
Multiple of DHs friends have witnessed him abusing the kitten and have said something to him and to us about it. DH knows there is any issue and he corrects the behaviour when it happens but alot of times DH doesn't see it or is at work when it happens. This seems to be intentional by SS.
We had another cat get really sick a few months ago and he deteriorated pretty quickly and we tried everything to save him but couldn't. SSs only comment was that the weekend sucked because we had to "deal with the stupid cat dying"...this was a cat we had for a while and SS supposedly loved. No sadness, no nothing.
He is allowed a BB gun at his grandparents house and constantly comes him with graphic stories of him shooting birds and rabbits (his grandfather is ok with this apparently, which makes me sick in itself) and tells us in detail how the animal bled, flopped around and that he had to "stomp on its head" to finally kill it. All that without any apparent feeling, he seems to think these things are funny. Pretty sickening.
We just had DD a little over 4 months ago and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with him lashing out more. We do A LOT with him on the weekends, he's always included in everything that has to do with DD and we make sure DH has a good amount of alone time with him also.
He's always wanting to hold DD and play with her, which would be sweet if he wasn't so rough and now with him lashing out at the animals so severely I honestly can't trust him around DD. I'm honestly scared to leave the two of them in the same room even if it's just to use the bathroom for 2 minutes.
He's also been in trouble for stealing at school,lying, is in constant trouble at BMs house for not following rules and almost failed all of his classes this year (used to be a straight A student).
He's very articulate and smart and knows how to talk his way out of anything.
Everyone that meets him says he's a sweet and charming boy, and that's exactly what I thought he was when I first met him.
I'm at a loss of what to do but my very first instinct is that this is far from normal and he needs therapy.
I would love any insight you ladies could provide!
Re: SS help needed! Might DD later
Don't leave him alone in a room with your DD. I'd even find a new home for the kitten.
You say your H knows that there is an issue. Put your foot down about SS being evaluated by a child psychologist. When you pitch it to him (and when he pitches it to BM) it doesn't have to be made out to sound scary or like the end of the world. It can just be a matter of "I'm concerned for him, and I want to know if there's anything we can do better with him."
If your H resists you for some ungodly reason, put some nanny cams around the house.
For me personally, if I couldn't get my husband on board, I'd take the baby and be out of the house. This is a safety issue.
I have told DH that I want to get an opinion from somebody else and he is not happy with the idea but has agreed to mention it to our family therapist at the next session....it's a start.
At this point I am actively thinking about finding another home for our kitten,
I am too afraid of what might happen if we can't get his behavior under control
This is the tough issue for me. I moved from the eastcoast to the west coast for DH and have no family here. A few friends that I could stay with for a short period of time but if I was to leave it would be tough as I am a SAHM right now.
All the reading I'm doing online seems to say that animal abuse almost always turns onto people at some point.
That being sad, last year SS was in trouble for biting his 2 year old sister in the face severely and punching his 5 year old brother in the face with his fist
Holy cow. That's incredibly scary.
Tell you what. If your H won't agree to have your SS evaluated ASAP (as in like yesterday), you and your DD can come stay with me.
Is there a school counselor or anyone you can talk to that would help you? Does your husband have an employee assistance program that you can call?
If your SS was 4 or 5 I could see brushing off biting his sister or punching a brother, but at his age, there is absolutely zero excuse. That's terrifying that he could inflict that kind of harm on a baby.
At the end of the day here, you can only control what you do. I hope it doesn't come to you and your baby getting out of there. But you have a responsibility to keep her safe.
Oh, and if it was my son and I was somehow managing to turn a blind eye, I would want everyone I know to get in my face about it until I saw what was happening.
He is not to be allowed to be around DD or the kitten, in fact I would find said kitten a new home (and I am the last person on earth to ever suggest rehoming an animal). If he does not get psychological help immediately, you need to get your daughter and leave. I don't care if that means living in a shelter, do you want him to hurt her?
Your stepson has some serious issues and if your H doesn't want to admit to that, then he is part of the problem. Like, this sounds like an episode of Criminal Minds kind of serious issues.
Good luck and keep us posted,
THANK YOU for your advice! It feels good to hear somebody else finding this entire thing as scary as I do.
DH is military so I'm sure there are plenty of resources available, I'm going to do some extensive googeling once DD goes to bed tonight.
We only have SS 3 weekends a month, an odd day here or there during the week and every other holiday, so DH is definitely a bit of a "disney dad" when it comes to discpline.
I started enforcing some chores after I felt like SSs maid every weekend. Simple things like put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, make your own bed and clean up after yourself. SS started complaining to my ILs (our relationship is rocky) and they jumped to the conclusion that I'm trying to come between DH and SS. So I think this is part of the reason why DH is hesitant to take the next step in having SS evaluated. He doesn't want his family to blame me for any of it.
I've talked to DH again today and like I said he is willing to mention all of this to our family counselor and then proceed from there. I hope she will agree that SS needs further evaluation and his behavior is NOT normal.
Aside from all this he is usually VERY polite to me (does have sassy moment but nothing bad), thanks me for making dinner/lunch/driving him to activities. It just strikes me as odd how he has this jekyll/hyde personality
This sounds like a very scary situation to be in. I definately would not leave him alone with DD for any reason. Request that DH and BM have him evaluated, even if to prove you wrong and that this is a phase, which I absolutely do not think it is. Appeal to your husband that this will help give you peace of mind and at the very least may give you all insight as to why his school work is declining. If you think DH and BM will give resistance to evaluation, focus on the positive points for them and SS and try not to focus on your fears. People always want to hear "what's in it for them" when it isn't their idea.
Good luck to you. I hope he gets help soon.
Thank you for your advice and offer to help. I sent you a PM!
Thank you, that is a great idea! DH is very receptive to things when I put them in a way that will help him out so that might be my best approach.
And as upset as I am with SS and what he's been doing to my pets, I still want to help him, I feel like there is something seriously wrong emotionally.
Me and DD have been staying "out of the way" alot the past few weekends, I tell DH I do it because he needs alone time with his son but truly I feel very uncomfortable with him and DD around.
He definitely needs a psych eval asap. Cruelty to animals added with not having any remorse is a huge red flag for narcassistic personality disorder. If this isn't adressed now, it can lead to a life time of issues.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I would also worry about the safety of your DD. I wouldn't leave them alone together.
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/1/51965098/ShowThread.aspx
This was posted in April on the nest.
I get why you made the connection, but I think the two situations sound pretty different.
Edit: thought they were the same poster , oops
I am no expert, but from what I've experienced (I have a second cousin with exactly the same issues, he broke his own wrist punching his little brother) this sounds like bi-polar. This may be something he cannot control and needs medication to get him on an even keel. Help him.
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this is completely out of DHs control. we have SS 3 weekends a month, the 4th his grandparents have him. DH has mentioned multiple times he does not want SS to be shooting at animals with this bb gun and repeatedly it falls on deaf ears. BM sees it as him just being a boy and condones everything her parents allow SS to do
bipolar was my first thought too, but from the research I've been doing online it leads more to antisocial personality disorder/sociopathic behavior