Babies: 0 - 3 Months
not getting along with DH - vent!!
to the point that Im seriously considering a divorce and LO is only 8 wks old. Im up in arms. Prior to the birth of LO, our agreement was for DH to stay home with LO and I would go back to work becuase he is going back to school in August and will be in school 2 days/week and will not be working. I have always been the bigger wage earner in the family. Right after LO was born, he took a PT job working midnights leaving all baby care up to me for all of my maternity leave, not sharing nightime feedings at all on his days off, literally, not helping much at all with baby or anything else for that matter. Leaving me resentful and not feeling much love for DH. I communicated all of this to DH, nicely at first, but wth no changes, my frustration is growning and anger is taking over. I go back to work tomorrow and have to leave LO with DH - I am dreading this b/c he hasnt spent any time getting to know LO's wants and needs over the last 8 weeks. Im at the point where I already feel like a single mom, and I am on the verge of tossign him out! Has anyone else gone through this, will it get better, Im ready to throw in the towel. I really want what's best for LO, and Im torn b/c I dont know if its better to have a father to who doesnt want to be involved and is present or a father that isnt present at all. I certainly didnt think I would be making this decision 8 wks after LOs arrival. Ugh. Sorry this is such a rant!
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Re: not getting along with DH - vent!!
Those first few weeks are hell. I had many moments where I thought I would be better off as a single mom too- it gets better. It takes a lot of anger management but most importantly communication. You've probably heard how women become mothers as soon as they get the BFP and men become fathers when they see their child- well it sounds like your dh felt like he had to rush out to get a job to support you and baby. That is his male primal reaction kicking in. You feel deserted and want him changing diapers and he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders wondering how is he going to feed his family. My dh went through a very hard time feeling like he had to provide everything for us. It is their natural instinct to provide and trust me-he may not admit it at first but your man is feeling the pressure. He thought he was doing the right thing but your reaction has him frustrated. Explain to him (calmly) that you appreciate and understand his instinct to provide but that you need emotional support and help with the baby more than financial support right now. And when you go back to work and he is home with LO remember that he may not do things the way you do and he may take time to adjust but he will be fine and your LO will be taken care of. Staying home with a dad who is learning as he goes is much better than putting LO in a scary day care that you don't know very well.
I really suggest reading the book "Babyproofing your Marriage" It's awesome.
Good luck to you-keep the faith and keep your head up!
I did really enjoy reading Babyproofing Your Marriage, although I haven't gotten DH to read it yet.
That said, I have no patience with the "they feel compelled to provide" argument. It is such a cop out. And totally outdated. Even if they do hold down a job and bring home a paycheck, that does not absolve them from pulling their weight with the baby and around the house as well. Not least because most mothers are working as well, and just as capable of "providing."
You had already agreed that he would be the caregiver. What was the logic to him then going out and taking a job that interfered with that? Does he really still plan on going through with that arrangement? Is he keeping the part-time job when school starts?
While I understand your frustration, now is not the time to be making any serious decisions about your marriage (barring any abuse situation, obviously). Having a baby is a big adjustment- for both of you. My DH wasn't around a lot because he works so much, so I had to do it myself mostly. However- he was scared of our tiny babies! It came so naturally to me that it never occurred to me that he would be seriously worried he would hurt his kiddos, which he admitted later he was. He was the same way with our second as well, which really surprised me. However, I knew he would be a great dad- little babies just weren't his thing. Once they started getting older and communicating more he was all about it. All of my friends now comment on what a great dad my DH is- he is constantly taking our kids out by himself to have special daddy time.
I'm not saying it's okay he's not helping- and it sounds like he's going to get trial by fire once he starts watching your LO. But don't think that his actions now mean that he's a terrible guy or a terrible father. It's all very new & probably overwhelming to him as well- and we all know that most guys just don't know how to express that. Hang in there. If it isn't changing at all over the next 3-6 mos maybe you should consider some counseling. But please don't just throw away your marriage so soon after such a life-changing event.
as much as it will bother you, how aboit NOT doing the dishes or washing his clothes for a while???? i bet he'd get the hint......im not into playing games., but if hes not helping you, then i would stop waiting on him... when you get questioned then you can say you must gave been too busy taking care if your baby....lol