1st Trimester

My parents will NOT be happy!

Hello, bumpies!  I'm new to this, so bear with me.  I was raised in a very strict Christian home, where sex outside of marriage is expressly forbidden.  Now, at age 31, my boyfriend and I are unexpectedly pregnant.  We're terrified of telling my folks, who won't necessarily disown me, but I'm sure will have some not-so-nice things to say (Dad's kind of a hothead, and Mom can be, too).  Any advice for how to handle this/present the news/respond to their rantings?  Thanks in advance!Tongue Tied

Re: My parents will NOT be happy!

  • Your surprise is a gift from God!  What a beautiful thing! 
  • Unless they are footing the bill for your blessing, they don't get much say in it.  They can either be a part of your child's life or not. 
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  • How long have you been dating? Are you living together? Any chance you can plea common-law marriage?

    Aside from that, I'd emphasize how much you love each other and how committed you both (hopefully) are towards raising the baby together and, if it truly be in your plans, "rectifying" the situation or making it more amenable.

    The thing to keep in mind is, this is your relationship and your baby. Are you happy? Are you committed to it?  In the end, yeah it'll hurt if your family isn't on board and family can say very hurtful things when they're caught off-guard.  There'll be a period where you kind of have to sit there and let them get their feelings off their chest -- remember, they may take this as you rejecting their lifestyle and the way they reared you. To you, this is nothing of the sort. Let them get their feelings off their chest, and when the dust clears, ask them how interested and engaged they're going to be in being grandparents, and being involved with the baby?  At all times, be prepared for honest answers, not sugar-coating.

    I went through something similar -- not exactly the same, but similar -- when I had to break the news to my Catholic family that I was becoming Jewish. It's not an easy conversation. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*

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  • First, congrats on the news of expecting. My parents are very strick too. They don't believe in sex until you are married. I know if I went to them and told them that I was unmarried and pg, they would be very upset.

    You are however 31, so old enough to make your own decisions. I would think they would be stupid to think you hvave not had sex yet. But you never know.

    I know my parents would be very upset with me, even angry. But I know they would love my child regardless. Most likely they would even pressure me to get married (knowing them).

    But I think in time they would come around and they would not hold that against the baby.

    Good luck. Expect them being hurt. But hopfully (and I will pray ) they will grow to be supportative and love your baby (their grandchild)

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  • Run off and get married immediately! Or you could always remind everyone that you are a grown woman and will choose your own path in life. 

    Either way I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you, Good Luck!  



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  • I was raised in the same type of environment.  Now I was not PG outside of marriage I do have siblings who did and as soon as our parents found out they were so thrilled about a baby they didn't even think twice.  The other thing I would remember is you are a grown woman, your parents opinions do matter but luckily not as much as when you were living under their roof.  I also agree with PP Little ones are a gift from God...def remind them of that if they try to give you the guilt trip.
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  • imageVABride2008:
    Unless they are footing the bill for your blessing, they don't get much say in it.  They can either be a part of your child's life or not. 

    This

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  • You both are very much adults and I would hope that even tho there are such strong beliefs they will understand.  This happened for a reason and yes it is truely a gift from God : ) 

    GL to you and your boyfriend.

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  • Only you know your parents...I think your assessment of their initial reaction is likely correct, however over time they may come around and be more supportive in order to have a relationship with their Grandchild.

    I would suggest acknowledging how they might feel, "I know this may not be the way that you wanted this to happen..." and ask for what you need "but I would really like your support"  it might not help immediately but hopefully they can set their judgement aside and help you through this process.

    You may also want to work on building yourself up so you are less affected by their opinion,  what is really going to be important in your life is providing a safe, loving home for your child and if ultimately they choose not to be a part of that you need to be ok with knowing that you are doing the best you can.

      

  • I was in the exact same position when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfried and I are only 25 and we were terrified to tell both of our parents.  I was also raised in a very old fashioned family where premarital sex is forbidden and so is moving in with someone before your married.   

    There is no easy way to tell them - you just let it out and when I said the words, as terrified as I was, I felt relieved that I didn't have that secret anymore (I would tell them sooner rather than later becuase the stress that you have telling them is not good for the baby!). My boyfriend and I discussed it alot before we told our parents and we both agreed that no matter the reaction of our families, we were estatic and they can be on board and enjoy this journey with us or not, but a baby is coming regardless and they will just have to deal with it. I mean, when they hold their grandchild for the first time, do you think they will be still so angry??

      I was so nervous, scared, excited, terrified I cried during the entire discussion.  Suprisingly, my parents took it extremely well and said that this may not be ideal but that they love us no matter what.  Now I think they're just as excited as we are!! 

    Goodluck and let us all know how it goes!!

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  • It's amazing what grandchildren do to a family. They may surprise you. I would use this opportunity to set boundaries. 

    While  it would be better to tell them in person-in this instance an email may be the best. You're stressed as it is-and you will remember what they say to you for the rest of your life. My mom and I had a rough couple of years (she's conservative and didn't talk to me for six months because I moved in with my now DH)-so I'd email her. She got mad about it once-but then I offered to let her listen to the voice mail she left-and she immediately got it. She said a bunch of hot headed crap in the voice mail. 

    IMHO You should tell them exactly  as it is. You know this isn't the way *they* would have chosen for *you* but it's your life, your baby and they can accept it, be supportive and remain in your life or not. You are an adult you have the power know, KWIM? 

    My mom came around-she loves my now-Dh. I bet and hope yours will too. GL 

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  • First off congrats!!!

    And well, I guess you will just have to tell them. They may get upset at first, but the fact is that you are not a child, you are 31 years old and a child is never a bad thing. No matter what happens, just keep that in mind, It is YOUR baby and YOUR decision, other opinions really don't matter nor should they bother you. (I know easier said than done) The only thing I'm sure about is that your parents will melt once they see your baby. :) Just keep your head up and don't be scared and don't let them bring you down. This is a beautiful thing that is happening and they will realize that, too :)

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  • I grew up in a Christian home where we were taught premarital sex was wrong, but saying "not-so-nice" things is not a very Christian thing to do.  My sister lives with her boyfriend and has two kids, but my parents have still expressed loved and support, even though they were likely disappointed in her choices.   As a Christian, I can say I hate when other "Christians" treat people like you are worried your parents will treat you.  I'm pretty sure Jesus taught us to love everyone no matter what. 

    You should say something like, "I know you are going to be disappointed with what I'm about to tell you, but I also you know are christian people and love no matter what."  Sort of puts them in their place before they can say anything.

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  • Your 31, at this point your an adult,if they don't like the news f%^k 'em. It's such a wonderful gift to be having a baby....your mind needs to be on the baby and not worry about how unhappy someone may be for you. Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy and don't ANYONE spoil your joy....for any reason.congrats and best of luck, dontbe nervous be confident....your in control not them. If they dont treat you right they should worry about loosing YOU, not the other way around ;)

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  • imagegetnmarried910:

      

    You should say something like, "I know you are going to be disappointed with what I'm about to tell you, but I also you know are christian people and love no matter what."  Sort of puts them in their place before they can say anything.

    I really like this idea. Congrats and good luck with telling them. 

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  • It's a gift from God, of anyone, they should be accepting of such a gift.  You are 31, you are not a 15 year old child.  They can either accept this or not and move on.
  • jarbatzjarbatz member

    At 31, you've been an "adult" for a long time now.  Unless you are living under their roof or somehow financially dependent on them or will need financial support from them to have this baby, you really dont need their blessing or their approval.

    I totally *get* wanting their approval/support...but you're 31....it's a blessing...and hopefully they will be able to see that once they've had time to digest the news.

     GL!

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  • First of all, and MOST importantly: Congratulations! All the best to you, your BF, and your sweet LO.

    Second: You are 31. You were raised by your parents and at age 18 you became a legal adult and the owner of your own actions. I can understand that they would be surprised and perhaps a bit disappointed at first, but I hope that they can move beyond that. I would be up front and honest with them, and sooner rather than later. Give them a chance to react and then a chance to get used to the idea that in about 9 months they will have a beautiful grandbaby.

  • while this didn't happen to me, it has happened a lot in my family. I know that even when relationships seem truly and utterly destroyed, there is nothing like a baby to bring people back together. It might not be instantaneous but it will happen.

    The initial fallout will likely be harsh, but I am willing to bet that once you get through that first shock and feelings of betrayal etc. your parents will love your child more than anything in the world.

    good luck with everything. my thoughts are with you!

  • imageSin_NIN:

    You both are very much adults and I would hope that even tho there are such strong beliefs they will understand.  This happened for a reason and yes it is truely a gift from God : ) 

    GL to you and your boyfriend.

    ITA
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  • Tell them it is not very Christian-like to be hotheaded and judgemental. 
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  • I am much of similar situation.  I'm 27 and my fiance is 30... my parents were the hardest people to tell.  I will just be blunt.  My sister isn't talking to me - however, she was a great practice round.  We were unable to tell my entire family all together... so we told her first.  

    Our plan was to go into the conversation upbeat and excited.  This was a planned pregnancy (which I assumed would put them over the top).  We stuck with the plan and told my parents that we wanted to have an adult conversation and that we are very excited and we broke the news.  Of course there were many questions - but absolutely no ranting.  My fiance is very much able to keep his calm but gave me the strength to be upbeat and positive.  

    In all reality, we are VERY excited and it didn't matter what my parents thought.  The act was a done deal and it was their option to accept it or move on.  Thank God, the accepted it.  My mom is now sending me baby name ideas and is getting very excited.  I do think it helped that my due date is her birthday!  

    Good luck!

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  • Update: My parents WERE happy!!!  Shocked, yes, but still very accepting and loving!!!  God bless them for not being judgmental!  Thank you all for the great advice.  I told them by presenting them with a card (the next day was their anniversary) in which I had written some lovely sentiments about them having been wonderfully supportive and loving parents.  Then they opened a gift box to reveal a necklace with a charm that had 2 tiny feet and read "Our family just grew by two feet".  It took Mom a moment, but Dad knew right away, and it was smiles all around!  (And my boyfriend didn't have to run for his life!)  Thanks again, bumpies!!!
  • congrats! I'm so happy for you!

    Just be prepared...they might start trying to get you two to get married LOL

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  • I didn't read the replies, so sorry if this is repetitive, but at 31, you are worried about telling your parents your pregnant? Unless you live IN their home, I'm not sure why this would be a big deal. You're a grown woman, you obviously don't play by their rules, and they can chose to get over it or not, but they're about to have a grandchild either way. Up to them. Not something YOU should stress about.
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  • mcvgalmcvgal member
    congrats!! so very happy everythign worked out!

    11.2011 - DS1

    02.2013 - loss at 6 wks

    06.2014 - DS2

    10.2015 - loss at 12 wks

    03.2017 - DD

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