I just finished watching the Dr. Phil episode that was on this evening and it was about women who were abused and them trying to protect their children from the BF and this episode really hit home. The second guest on the show had a daughter that was murdered by the BF and seeing all that just brought back a ton of memories of how XH would abuse me while we were married and how he would treat DD. I just started crying.
I just kept going back to riding in the car with XH when DD was only a month or two old; DD would cry a lot in the car and XH would sit there and just scream at her and when I tried to calm her down (give her a binky, offer to sit in the back seat with her, tell him she might be hungry or wet and we should pull over, etc.) he would start in on me and just start smacking me.
I went back to the night when he screamed at her that she wasn't his daughter and that the next day when I went to work he would leave her in her crib all day, he wouldn't pick her up, feed her, change her...all because she cried when he held her while picking her and I up from the airport earlier that evening...she was 4 months old at the time (I never left her alone with him after that moment). After he finished yelling at her he threatened to throw her across the room and made the moves to do so.
I went back to so many memories of being choked, being pushed around, having knives held up to my throat, and being verbally torn down every day for years. I just thought about all these things and felt very sad for me and DD for going through all that, but I also feel relieved that I was able to get out and protect DD.
I know I'm in a much better place now and I know I'm much safer now. My divorce is finalized and I have an OOP for another year, but I still have moments where I think about the what ifs and I'm scared that XH will find out where we live and come after us. It wouldn't take much as he knows where I work and where DD goes to daycare. I don't think about this stuff very often, but after watching things like the Dr. Phil show today it just got me thinking.
Looks like I know what I'll be talking about at my next therapy session. Sorry for the wall of text, I just needed to get some of this stuff out.