Husband not on board
How do you handle your husband not being on board with a natural birth? I shared some information about having a natural birth with DH today and he immediately had a negative reaction. Saying things like "There has to be a reason for why doctors do the things they do. Every birth is natural, there's still a baby coming out of your vagina, regardless of medications being used etc."And his general take on it was that I'm trying to compete, or out do other mothers that had epidurals/c-sections/other medical interventions. He thinks it's all about the pain. That's not what it's about AT ALL.
It was really disappointing. I read somewhere that you shouldn't talk about wanting a natural birth with people that are going to be negative about it, and I completely understand now. I feel like I have to defend myself. I just never expected the negative person to be my husband.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
Re: Husband not on board
My husband is against it too, and believing all the horror stories and fear crap that everyone is telling him. I'm making him come to see my midwife and talk about any/all concerns. She has an answer for every one of his questions or scenarios, so I want her to handle it.
I've never had a natural birth or a home birth (which is what I'm planning this time around) and she has had several and attended hundreds, so I'm letting the expert give advice
Also, sometime this week (before we see my MW) I'm going to make him watch The Business of Being Born.
The more research I do, the more I want a home birth. I just need him to get past the fear and knee-jerk reaction, like PP said, and realize how low risk, safe, and calm a home birth can be. Good luck!
I would definitely make it clear to him that this is something that is very important to you and ask him to learn more about it and do a bit of research before he chooses not to support you. It's your body and you have every right to make that decision yourself, but it's up to him to support you or not and he better not make that decision before knowing what he's talking about.
Calmly bring it up again, from the perspective of what this means to you and the fact that you think it will be better health-wise for yourself and your baby. Then ask him to watch the Business of Being Born (my hubby was instantly on board after that movie) and do some reading on medical websites about common interventions and their risks. Make sure he understands the reasons for your choice and how important it is to you.
Good luck!
I recommend having him watch The business of being born and Born in America. That will change his mind.
Give him time. He will come around.
9 angels in heaven-3 in my arms and 1 in the NICU
Mono/di twin girls: Josephine born to heaven and Evangeline born Earthside at 25w
I really hope it was a knee jerk reaction. He's just so hard headed and closed minded. I'm so afraid he won't get on board with this and I'll feel like I have to go through all this alone in a sense.
I think he's been desensitized as well. His family has a new born almost monthly. He's so used to people having babies, he thinks its no big deal. But it IS. I'm the first person to have a baby in my whole family, I'm terrified and it's a BIG deal.
That's a good idea, having the midwife talk it out with him. Thanks for the suggestion.
And luckily, The Business of Being Born is on Netflix! We'll be watching that one tonight for sure.
I found The Business of Being Born, but I couldn't find Born in America. There was a Pregnant in America.
ok, take a deep breath. you've been pg for like 5 mins. give him some time to come around. for most men they feel like they have to protect their wife and baby and so he is defaulting to what he knows and what he's seen in our society, which is that pg women go to the hosp, get an epi or some kind of pain meds, scream and then have a baby.
while it would be ideal for him to be on board ultimately it is your body, your decision. he cannot force you to have an epi or any other intervention that you don't want to have. i would seriously plan now to get a doula. she will be there to support your desire for a natural birth. i forgot, where are you thinking about birthing, in or out of hosp?
you know your dh the best, would he respond best to books, movies, talking to other natural birthers, internet research on epis and other interventions?
don't get overly emotional when you talk to him about it. a lot of men don't know how to deal with us when we get emotional. he wants what is best for you, he just might not know anything different right now. the whole idea of a baby being inside of you and getting it out of you is really still a new concept at this point.
approach the subject gently and when things are good, for example, not when he just gets home from work and is stessed about something. do some research for yourself so that when you do speak to him about it you sound confident and educated. explain to him why you feel the way you do about it.
GL! we are here for ya if you get discouraged! oh and for the record my dh is not completely on board with the idea either. the difference is that i'm not pg yet.
i feel confident that when the time comes he will trust me to make the best decisions for our baby and it is what i'm trained to do.
This is how my husband got on board. In the end, he convinced me to have a home birth and it was the best decision I ever made.
My DH was totally against the idea at first. He doesn't get why anyone would voluntarily go through a ton of pain when it could be an easy process (his sister's reaction was even better...she said "Can't they just cut you open and skip the whole thing?")
I just kept saying it was something I wanted to try, and then one day I came upstairs and he was curled up in the bed with my Kindle. I had been reading the birth stories in Ina May's Guide and I guess when he turned it on that was what came up. He was fascinated. The next day he came to me and said he still thought I was crazy, but had the right to choose what I wanted to do with my body.
Not perfect, but I'll take it.
My DH is slowly coming around. It's not that he is opposed to a natural birth, he just doubts my ability to do it and deal with the pain. I've asked for examples of my having a low pain threshhold or not dealing well with pain and he gave BS answers (e.g., I couldn't continue playing a softball game because my thumb was broke in 2 places). I think it ultimately comes down to his fear of not knowing how to deal with me when I'm in pain.
Talk through it. What exactly about a natural birth concerns him?
I agree re watching the Business of Being Born.
When we first started TTCing, I started researching birth and became very interested in natural birth outside of a hospital setting (we live in a small town and our hospital is not the best). I told my husband and he was not having it. He wanted a hospital birth with every doctor possible. His fear of birth comes from having a horrible experience in a previous marriage where they lost the baby during the 3rd trimester and the birth was very traumatizing for him (as you would imagine). He cannot even begin to imagine a peaceful, enjoyable birth experience.
It was difficult to discuss it with him because I couldn't truly understand where his fear was coming from and to him I was just spouting off "random stuff I read on that baby website". He was working on a project in the living room one afternoon and I turned on "The Business of Being Born" casually without saying anything. I just sat there watching and I would glance over and see him staring at the screen. Quickly, he started speaking up and saying things like, "That totally makes sense!" Now, he is very on board with the idea and completely supportive. I felt a bit sneaky getting in to his head like that, but it worked.
You've got plenty of time to get your husband on board. Knowledge is power, so expose him to as much as you can. People are so apprehensive about the idea because it isn't the norm in America. Most people don't realize we do things differently than a large portion of the world.
Oh boy that must have felt tlike a kick in the stomach! I hope that it was just a knee jerk reaction on his part. I'm sure the whole birth thing freaks a guys out 100 times more than it freaks us out. He may not be able to provide you the support that you need BUT I think if you give him some time and some food for thought like maybe get the movie "Business of Being Born" and ask him to watch it with you. He may come around to see why you want this for you.
Fingers crossed for you on that. Just don't let him doubt your conviction. You can always hire a doula to be your support if he is freaked out about being your "birthing partner". If you can afford it that is.
Honestly my husband initially said to me why not just get the drugs? This coming from a guy who hates to take medicine! BUT he came around when he realized I was serious about doing it my way and he was supportive. He really did nothing to help me in labor though except keep my gatorade drink full and get me anything I asked for. I didn't want him to massage me like I had planned. I just wanted him to be quiet. So you CAN do it on your own if you have to!
Update:
DH and I sat down and watched the business of being born. It effected me on a much higher level than it did DH. When it was over the first words out of his mouth were "That was the longest hour and a half of my life." BUT he then said he understands where I'm coming from now and that he supports whatever I chose to do. Which was definitely an improvement. I think his main fear are A) Something could go wrong and
I won't be able to handle the pain or get through labor on my own.
I haven't been to my first OB appointment yet, which is when I tell them I want a midwife I think. I'm not sure what my options are as far as location. I'd think a happy medium between the hospital and a home birth would be to give birth at a birthing center. I think that's where I'd be most comfortable. But I won't know my options until my first appointment.
I would LOVE to read your husband's paper and give it to mine to read.
This is our first and initially my husband (and me too) bought into the fear of labor and all that, and I had pretty much accepted the fact that a c-section was what was going to happen with me because that's how my mom had me and my brother because she had so many complications. I assumed that because she had a complicated pregnancy and labor, I would as well. I come from a background where the general school of thought is "my body is my enemy". But then we watched The Business of Being Born and Pregnant in America, then did some of our own research, and my husband ended up being the one to convince ME to have a natural birth. I still have my doubts and I have my days where I don't know if I can do it, and frankly I'm scared to death.... but I still have some time to gain confidence in myself and train myself to know that I don't have to be scared of my body or of birth.
For him the thing that sealed the deal was seeing the difference in how much happier the moms and babies were after a natural birth versus after an augmented one. We were both present at the birth of my godson, and my friend had a birth with lots of drama and interventions, and after that he pretty much was like, "I don't want that for you or our child". After watching a bunch of videos of smiling women and cooing babies with very little drama all his fears went out the window.