XP: 2nd baby guilt

8daysaweek

A poster on TTGP suggested this board for my question so I'm hoping you all might have some advice for me.

So to start: Hi! I'm Megan aka 8days/8daysaweek. I'm a reg on The Knot and just got married this past weekend. We already have one daughter (13 months will be 2 next April) and are planning to TTC #2 in January.

I think it's kind of hitting me now because I'm stopping my BCP this week and starting to chart, etc to prepare for TTGP but I suddenly feel so guilty about our daughter not being the baby/only child. We really want our kids to be close together - we both grew up that way and enjoyed having siblings so close in age - but now that we're actually planning for it, I am just worried about how DD is going to take it and feeling so guilty about it all.

Any advice or anyone who can relate? Is this normal to worry about or should I consider it a sign that we should wait?

Thanks for any insight!

 

Mskharis

Hi! Very Very normal. I felt this way the entire time I was carrying DD2. I coulldn't imagine loving anyonemore than DD1, plus I felt bad she wouldn't get all my time. What helps is that DD2 loves DD1, and cries for her (she's 10 now at the time she was 8). And once she got here, I insantly felt how I could share the love. Once you new LO arrives, I think you will see that they both can share you and still feel equally loved. Plus they will enjoy each other. GL! 

smw123

Hi, this is totally normal.  We weren't even trying when we found out we were expecting again.  My DS is 13 months old as well and I couldn't believe my eyes when I seen the test.  I was shocked and immediately started crying just thinking that my baby wasn't going to have all my attention anymore.  I felt sorry for my DH because he was so excited and I wasn't.  He just held me, let me cry for a while and reassured me that our DS was going to be fine.  I had to be on hospital bedrest for 5 weeks when I was pg the 1st time so that was my biggest concern.  I didn't want it to happen again, especially since he is so small and I didn't want to come home with a baby where he is going to have to share me after being away from me for a long time.  It took me a few days for it to sink in and I felt a lot better after my DH asked me how I was feeling about the whole situation since he felt like I wasn't as excited as I was with my DS.  I was excited I was just worried that I would neglect my DS and I couldn't imagine loving another baby as much as I love my DS.  Now that 3 weeks have passed I am excited and hoping for a smoother pregnancy.  I wanted to have kids closer together I just never figured it would happen this soon I wanted to start trying in dec/jan.  My siblings and I are very spaced out and not close at all so I am hoping my kids will have a closer relationship than what I had with my siblings.  After it happened it was nice getting a surprise pregnancy since I always like to plan things.  I also think it's a good thing for him since he will have someone to play with all the time.  

sweetpea2003

8daysaweek:

A poster on TTGP suggested this board for my question so I'm hoping you all might have some advice for me.

So to start: Hi! I'm Megan aka 8days/8daysaweek. I'm a reg on The Knot and just got married this past weekend. We already have one daughter (13 months will be 2 next April) and are planning to TTC #2 in January.

I think it's kind of hitting me now because I'm stopping my BCP this week and starting to chart, etc to prepare for TTGP but I suddenly feel so guilty about our daughter not being the baby/only child. We really want our kids to be close together - we both grew up that way and enjoyed having siblings so close in age - but now that we're actually planning for it, I am just worried about how DD is going to take it and feeling so guilty about it all.

Any advice or anyone who can relate? Is this normal to worry about or should I consider it a sign that we should wait?

Thanks for any insight!

 

Yes, you are normal.

Guilt is just one of those "parenting emotions".  It is normal and typical to feel guilt about nearly everything .

My advice is to remember the bolded statement in your OP.  You and your DH both grew up with siblings close in age.  I'm assuming since you both enjoyed it that neither of you were damaged by the experience.  And that both of you appreciated your siblings. 

We didn't actively TTC DS so I didn't deal with guilt prior to getting pregnant, but I definitely had to work through it once I was expecting.  Honestly, aside from a few bad days where both kids are really needy, this experience has been great.  My DD is happy and really enjoys her brother. 

Remember, your first child is the ONLY one of your children that will ever get to be the one and only.  So all second, third, fourth kids are born into a family where there is more going on.  The vast majority are no worse for the wear . 

JenniferL923

I think its normal.

DS was a surprise.  Complete shock more like it.  I was prepared to have DD be our one and only for a good couple years until we were ready to TTC again....and then expected to have a hard time yet again getting pg.  

I felt awful and even cried a few times early on after finding out because I felt so bad for DD, that she doesn't even get to remember her "alone time" with mom and dad.  There is an 8 year age gap between me and my siblings, I loved being an only child.  I love my siblings now of course, but I treasure those years where it was me and my parents.

I think though that its going to be a good thing for DD, she's always going to be the big sister and will realize early on that the world doesn't revolve around her. She does seem to love other children and she seems so caring and concerned about other people, so I think its going to be an easy transition for her. I'm getting excited about this baby and I think I'm pretty over the guilt--however I expect it to pop up again when DS is born and comes home.  Maybe it won't, IDK.  I'm committed to making sure that DD gets her special alone time with me and DH.

You've already said that you liked the age gap in your family, so I think you'll be ok.  The guilt will pass for you as I'm sure it will be a distant memory for me when I see DD snuggle her brother or help with things.