In-Laws...really? (long vent)

jillcanada

Why can't my in-laws be like my parents?

My FIL came to visit a few weeks ago and brought with him a Pack N' Play they had from when their twin granddaughters would visit them when they were infants. While I am grateful for their thoughtfulness (and hope I don't sound like a spoiled brat, I give so much that I want to get in return now and then) they never bothered to ask if we wanted this.  It's a playard from 2003, and doesn't have a newborn napper feature, which I want for the first couple of months before baby moves to the crib. FIL then told me he and MIL would bring the second one they have next visit since we needed two, one for the main floor and then another for the basement. I politely declined and mentioned our house so small we wouldn't need that many sleeping apparatuses.

To top it off DH was in their hometown on business last week. Upon return he told me his parents are giving us $ and told him to make sure we used it to buy baby stuff. I burst into tears. He was upset too. It stung. He told them we were waiting to make a registry, and hoped they would simply purchase an item or two from there once it was completed this summer.

Finally, DH and I have an ongoing argument about when his parents should visit. His mother insists that they come almost immediately after the baby is born. DH said while at home last week he discovered it's because MIL thinks the baby will dramatically change in a month's time when I'm happy to have her come. I thought we had agreed they would wait until my parents had left so I'm not overwhelmed with too many people. On top of that they'll be here for Thanksgiving, and then MIL is staying here while I return to teaching for two weeks before winter break. DH tried to explain to her my wishes, but MIL says they'll stay in a hotel and only come for a weekend in October. I feel like my wishes are not being respected, and my parents get screwed over. My mum and dad were shut out from my brother's children by SIL, and I don't want them to feel left out!

 Am I being hormonal, irrational?

Thanks for reading. It's good to get it out since it's being weighing heavily on my mind. Anyone I talk to here sides with my MIL, and doesn't hear what I have to say.

rvandiver0705

I don't think you are being irrational; I think your ILs need to learn about the concept of boundaries.  I also think your MIL is being a brat about the "baby changing" thing, but I would try to give her credit for not trying to stay with y'all and only staying for a weekend.  

The money thing and the pack and play thing, I think they were trying to be helpful, realized that they had overstepped with the first thing, and tried to make it up by giving you money to make your own choice.  I doubt they have a clue that you aren't ready to register yet, and are just trying to be as helpful as they can.  

Honestly, my parents did that to me with some baby things.  My father went online and bought a few hundred dollars of stuff because I couldn't come up with a "big" purchase for my mom to get me in April.  He informed me that by June I had better have decided what I wanted them to get us, and it was the "medium" purchase (I think they are giving us a nice chunk of cash for her college fund that my dad is setting up for us).  Ridiculous man.  When they started with the pressure I was ticked, but my dad kept reminding me that I had to get ready for her arrival, and that meant baby stuff in the house.  I hid the box for a week before opening it.

If you can think of any way to direct their energy and excitement into something that won't bother you, try to.  It will help get them off your back, and they will be more gracious in terms of your wishes! 

BritanyV

rvandiver0705:

The money thing and the pack and play thing, I think they were trying to be helpful, realized that they had overstepped with the first thing, and tried to make it up by giving you money to make your own choice.  I doubt they have a clue that you aren't ready to register yet, and are just trying to be as helpful as they can. 

I agree.   They definitely seem to be trying to be helpful.   

As much as I hated company after the birth, especially in the hospital (seriously people should go to private islands to give birth! lol), your MIL is sort of right.  Babies do some serious growing and changing in a month's time.   They sound just very excited for you and your dh and want to be there to share in your joy when you welcome the baby home. 

 

BobbiJanay07

Umm, I would have to say your MIL is being a bit pushy with the wanting to come right away.

haziedaze

These things are so hard. ((HUGS))

We've had our issues on and off. I feel like managing MIL is DH's responsibility esp. when it comes to sticking up for what is right for our marriage, our family. I don't have the same relationship he does with my MIL, so when I say things it hurts her feelings more.

Having DH set limits with his mom has been key for us. Things have gotten better. Esp. when it comes to the visiting stuff, would it help if DH says things like "I've been thinking and it's just too much work for us to have everyone here at once. We need all the help we can get and so need to spread out visitors to have more time covered."

There's no easy answer, but if he makes it clear you're both on the same page it might help some. He may need to be firm.

haziedaze

Oh, and as annoying as it can be, I'm sure they are well intentioned. They're excited, but you still have a right to figure out what is best for you, DH, and LO. Could they make the first visit super short?

It's all so hard and there are no easy answers.

anonomity

rvandiver0705:

I don't think you are being irrational; I think your ILs need to learn about the concept of boundaries.  I also think your MIL is being a brat about the "baby changing" thing, but I would try to give her credit for not trying to stay with y'all and only staying for a weekend.  

This.  I think you and your DH need to get on the same page, give them plenty of warning of your decision, and then firmly enforce it.  If you don't want them visiting while your parents are there, tell them you will be unable to have them visit until XX date, and that they will be wasting a trip if they try to stop by.  Make sure they know that they cannot just barge in on you and that you won't even open the door if they try to force their way over.  It may sound harsh, but they must learn to respect the boundaries you and DH set now, or you will be fighting this battle for the rest of your child's life.

(I have a feeling DH and I will be having a similar battle with his parents when the time comes, so I can somewhat feel your pain.  We plan to do exactly what I said above.)  

Good luck to you!  I hope they take your concerns to heart and respect your wishes. 

 

ETA for clarity. 

Izabella22

haziedaze:

would it help if DH says things like "I've been thinking and it's just too much work for us to have everyone here at once. We need all the help we can get and so need to spread out visitors to have more time covered."

I think this is a good thing to try out first to try to keep the peace. If they still insist, then lay down the law. You and your DH need to be firmly together on the rules. Could you tell them they are welcome to come visit in the hospital, but then you'd like them to visit X weekend after that? Then it limits them to your timeframe but she gets to see the baby right away. I can understand not wanting to wait a whole month to see her grandbaby, but she does need to work with you. *HUGS*

MommyandKate

I know this isn't really what you want to hear, but if you try to keep LO away from his or her grandparents for a month after the birth, it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your in-laws.  It's their grandchild, and they are understandably very eager and excited to meet him/her, and from their perspective, it's unfair that your parents get all this reserved time right away, while they have to wait.  I would go with inviting them over on one day for a few hours.  It's not overwhelming to have a few people over for one afternoon- you can order takeout, take a nap yourself while they're there and/or get a shower, do some laundry- whatever is on your to-do list while they play with the baby.  It sucks that you won't get what you want, but to keep the peace and avoid putting your DH in a really hard position, I would compromise on this one.

HadleyS

Well, I might be the odd one out, but I think you are being a little bit hormonal.  It sounds like you are a very organized person, and like to see things done your way.  I totally get that, my husband is the same way.

But it also sounds like your in-laws are REALLY excited to be a part of your child's life, and so they are kinda going "above and beyond" to do what they think is called "helping".  It can be annoying when it really messes with your plans, but their intentions are pure.  They really just have an aversion to your timeline of things...registering, when to come and visit...but in the grand scheme of things, you would want everyone to be happy and to see your LO.  I am giving both my parents and the in-laws free reign of when to come and visit at first...that baby is as much my in-laws' grandbaby as he/she is my parents' grandbaby and they deserve to see the first moments as well.

I don't think it would be so bad if they came earlier and stayed at a hotel.

You have some time to get things worked out, I am sure that you will be happy with the way things end up being.  You can "table" some of those issues and revisit them later.  You have a few more holidays to enjoy before your LO gets here anyway.

Edit: spelling

DoingItRight

HadleyS:

Well, I might be the odd one out, but I think you are being a little bit hormonal.  It sounds like you are a very organized person, and like to see things done your way.  I totally get that, my husband is the same way.

But it also sounds like your in-laws are REALLY excited to be a part of your child's life, and so they are kinda going "above and beyond" to do what they think is called "helping".  It can be annoying when it really messes with your plans, but their intentions are pure.  They really just have an aversion to your timeline of things...registering, when to come and visit...but in the grand scheme of things, you would want everyone to be happy and to see your LO.  I am giving both my parents and the in-laws free reign of when to come and visit at first...that baby is as much my in-laws grandbaby as he/she is my parents grandbaby and they deserve to see the first moments as well.

I don't think it would be so bad if they came earlier and stayed at a hotel.

You have some time to get things worked out, I am sure that you will be happy with the way things end up being.  You can "table" some of those issues and revisit them later.  You have a few more holidays to enjoy before your LO gets here anyway.

I completely agree with you.  I would hate to tell my MIL that she could not come to see her grandchild until he/she was a month old.  DH nor my parents would ever let me get away with this.

olivia_eve

Honestly, I get your IL's perspective on when to visit. Babies do change a lot in a month, and I think it's a little unfair to make them wait an entire month to meet their grandchild. Think about if it was your grandchild- would you like to wait a month to meet them? It wasn't overwhelming to have people visit when DD was a newborn because I didn't care what my house looked like and people didn't come over expecting me to feed and entertain them. And frankly, I loved getting the chance to take a shower or nap while people were fussing over the baby.

jillcanada

Thanks for everyone's advice. I was feeling frustrated last night, and just needed to get everything on mind out on paper. Please understand that I'm not trying to deny my in-laws the right to see their grandson. It's just that they've been so pushy about it that drives me nuts. I should add that both sets of grandparents are out of towners, so there's no way I can tell MIL and FIL they can come over for an hour one day to visit when they're here for a weekend. I think that what will probably happen is they'll come first for a weekend, and then my parents for a longer period since they are coming from further and won't be back until Christmas. We have lots of time to work this out, and hopefully peacefully resting over the summer while at the pool while help work this out!

kbel424

I completely understand where you're coming from with the IL's visiting. I'm in a similar boat, where my MIL bought tickets for 4 days after my due date without talking to us about it first. I'm pretty aggravated about it. It feels unfair when people don't respect the wishes of the new parents.

As far as the money/pack n play, I do agree with PP's that they were just trying to be helpful in that situation. 

IL's are such a sensitive subject. I know his mother causes a lot of stress with me and my H.