April 2011 Moms
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How much does your DH help at night?

I am finding the nights the hardest on me and I often take it out on DH who is usually in bed.  I know I have sleep envy, no doubt about that - however, I'm wondering if I'm the only one?  I am BFing so there is only so much he can do, but I find myself expecting him to help more.  I need to chill, right?
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Re: How much does your DH help at night?

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    Same boat!

    My DH sleeps and snores away every night....I BF also and so it is just me getting up! 

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    As long as he's helping in other ways at other times, yes, you probably need to chill, and I say that with love. ;)  Like you said, there is only so much he can do since you are BFing.

    I am BFing and supplementing, so sometimes DH gives our LO her bottle during the day and/or at night if I ask him to.

    ETA: That doesn't take away from your feelings, though. It's hard not to feel a wee bit resentful when you're the one who is sleep deprived. Hopefully your husband is sensitive to that. Whenever someone asks my husband how we're sleeping, he always makes sure to give me a little extra props for getting even less sleep than he does, which makes me feel good in a weird way lol.

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    KERJFKERJF member

    I EBF so he doesnt get up. although on a friday or saturday night he will get up and make sure i have anything i might need - water or if she is done if i want him to rock her back to sleep if she doesnt fall asleep while eating. i dont expect him to get up during week nights though because he goes to work all day. i do go envious but i remind myself that he doesnt get to stay home like i do with her (although i struggle to remember that some times!)

    he is also pretty good about noticing if i need sleep - and asking me if i want to take a nap when he gets home if i need it


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    DH is my savior at night. I'm a really light sleeper and LO is a grunter and generally loud sleeper so I was getting zero sleep. Now DH and baby sleep in our room and I sleep in the guest room. DH brings him to me for feeding time (usually only once a night) and I do the feeding/change which takes just about an hour. I put him back in the room with DH and back to my silent guest room. Since DH is a sound sleeper, he hears the baby cry when he wakes up but doesn't mind the little sounds. Its a great system except for not sleeping next to my hubby.
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    He helps quite a bit. He went back to work today and has to be there at 4:30am. So from about 4am on I am on my own now. He does try to help as much as he can before he leaves though.
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    GHBEAGHBEA member

    My DH is my savior.  Last night Olivia cried for hours on end I ended up in tears  I told DH I will go in the living room and he said no I will stay awake with you she is my daughter too.  I BF as well so really there isn't much he can do there but he gets me a drink or snack if I want one.

     

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    My DH does 0% at night. Yes, I BF but he just lays there snoring away while LO whines to be picked up, have her diap changed, be fed and re-swaddled. Two or three of those things DH could do but he claims he never hears her. I have sleep envy too.
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    Are you pumping and willing to offer a bottle? I usually go to bed between 8-9pm and DH takes over all duties then. He's a master soother and swaddler (much better than I am!) so he's in charge of her last feeding and putting her to bed. When she gets hungry, he offers a bottle of BM. He goes to bed around 11-midnight but with any luck she's out till 1-2am so I get a solid block of sleep before I have to get up with her again.
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    I don't want him doing anything at night.  I want him to get his sleep.  DH is great!  I work first shift and DH is a server and works when I get out of work.  DH is home with DS all day.  It's so much work. (I could never be a SAHM!)   DH is so great.  I get up at 5:00 to get ready for work and DH gets home around 11:00 and is usually up with him at 5:00 because that is one of his feeding times and I am busy getting ready for work.

    Also, I seem to get DS to eat way more.  DH can barely get him to eat 2-3 ounces.  DS eats anywhere from 4-5 ounces for me. 

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    DF is usually pretty good.. but every once in a while he sleeps through a feeding and bum change. He was funny last night though.. Audrey started crying and I got up and got a bottle ready for her, went pee while the kettle was warming up the water and then brought the bottle in. She was really wet so I decided to change her first, and she's crying on the bed right next to him. Finally about halfway through the bum change he wakes up and he's like "Oh.. she woke up?" and I laughed and he's like "give her to me when you're done and I'll feed her so you can wash your hands.." so I did and I go wash my hands and get back into bed and he says to Audrey "You would have gotten this a lot quicker if daddy had woken up to change your diaper while mommy was making your bottle".. it was too cute!

    He does a lot of feedings during the day and if I'm having a hard time settling her down he'll take over and we'll keep swapping until something works lol.

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    DH is working so I take all feedings Sunday night through Thursday night.  Friday night and Saturday night we split the feedings - I take the first one around 3-4am since I'm used to waking up anyway.  DH takes the second feedings around 6-7am.  Usually he takes LO out to the living room and lets me sleep in on the weekend.
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    NannaNanna member
    My DH doesn't help at all with the baby overnight, but I'm ok with this.  He gets up to go to work and I'm EBFing so from my perspective there's no reason for him to wake up.  However, he does get up if one of the older kiddos needs something.  This works for me personally and I have no resentment about it, but I can see how that isn't going to fly for every person.
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    I am ebf, and dh sleeps through the night.  We put ds to bed, I nurse dd, and she usually falls asleep (about 9) and I pass her off to him until he goes to bed.  I get up with her 2-3 times during the night.  I don't expect him to do anything-I really don't need his help.  I hear you on the sleep envy though!
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    kgail11kgail11 member
    We do what we did with DS three years ago - same set up.. I BF, but he gets her up, hands her to me, I feed her, he burps her on the way back and puts her back to sleep. It works for us. :)
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    siajarasiajara member

    When DD wakes up to eat, I wake up DH and he changes her then hands her to me for feeding (I EBF), and he goes back to sleep.

    It works pretty well.  Also, if DD gets extra fussy and I am getting exhausted, I wake up DH and he will take her for awhile so I can sleep.  

     

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    I feel totally spoiled reading all your responses. LO goes down about 8 pm and sleeps a 4-5 hour stretch. We try to go to bed by 9 so we benefit from the stretch. When he wakes up (12-2 am), DH feeds him a bottle of BM or formula and lets me sleep.  LO's next feeding is usually about 5 am and I start my on duty and DH sleeps.

    I have always needed way more sleep than him and he "gets" that.  This system lets me get 8 hours of sleep!!  He is getting about the same, but not in a row.

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    DH does nothing at night. I bf also so yeah there really is nothing he can do and since he needs to go to work in the morning he might as well sleep.
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    KindraSKindraS member

    I hear ya!  I sleep in the guest room with the monitor. (DH snores very loud and I need all the sleep I can get).  I get up in the night to give a bottle of ebm and then I pump.  That happens about 2:30 then DD wakes between 6 and 7 and I bf and sometimes try to put her back down.

    It's not so bad most of the time but she has been in the midst of a growth spurt and woke up 4 times last night! I am wiped out. 

    DH has had a lot more going on at work the past 3 weeks.  He falls asleep on the couch some nights.  He also can be a little unsympathetic. This has easily been one of the biggest strains on our 13 year relationship.

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    Scout05Scout05 member

    My DH is amazing, and we split the nighttime duties 50/50. Obviously, the fact that we are FFing makes this much easier to do. But even if I had BF, I know he would have gotten up to help w/ diaper and other things. He's just very hands on, and understands that though he has to go to work, being home alone with her all day is hardly a walk in the park. We both need rest to do what we need to do during the day, and it is best for our sanity (and frankly our marriage) if we work together.

    He's upstairs putting her to bed as we speak. She's fussy and fighting it, so he's been at it awhile. Bless him.

     

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    KMAXONKMAXON member
    Not at all.  I EBF, so this plays into it.  He feels like there's nothing he can do so he doesn't do anything at all or even try.   Occasionally he tries to give her a bottle around 10 so I can go to bed, but so far she won't take a bottle so even that has only happened about twice.  Not gonna lie, I often find myself glaring at him during the night while I try to get DD to stop fussing and he just rolls over....oh and still has the nerve to tell everyone how tired he is from the baby.
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    DH helps after work until bedtime... he knows I am bagged after a long day with a fussy LO. I EBF so I am the one getting up in the night. I definitely have sleep envy though and bug him to help on his days off. It doesn't always work but why shouldn't he be pitching in with diaper change and getting her back to sleep?!

    Mildly bitter vent over Wink

    imageKMAXON:
    Not gonna lie, I often find myself glaring at him during the night while I try to get DD to stop fussing and he just rolls over....oh and still has the nerve to tell everyone how tired he is from the baby.

    Me too, but what nerve he has saying he's tired!! Haha.

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    Since I am still on maternity leave, I am going to be easy on DH.  So I don't expect him to get up with me.  Once I return to work, I will expect him to help me out.  He is really good at letting me sleep in on weekends, so my sleep envy isn't too bad.
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    DH helps out when he gets home from work and takes LO after I finish nursing him. DH has him until I nurse him again around 1030/11. Then we put him down for good for the night. DH likes to sit and hold him while he sleeps prior to his 1030/11 feeding, since he leaves for work around 9am and doesnt get home until 7pm. LO wakes up around 2am to eat again, and DH takes him and gives him a bottle of BM, changes him, and puts him back down. Then LO is asleep until 6/7 in the and I take over for the day.

    The break at night helps out, and will definitely help out more once I start working again in 2 weeks as I will be working 10 hour days.

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    When DH isn't working he helps out at night, either do some or all the feedings and letting me sleep in. When he works I try to do it all myself since I am a SAHM and he is working 12+ hours and can't nap at work.
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    If you're feeling burnt out, then you need a different system. You shouldn't have to take on everything if you can't handle it. Communicate and set as much of a plan or schedule as you need. You don't want to build resentment.

    With our first LO there was a time when I expected DH to get up with DS and I every time (change his diaper, hand him to me to BF, burp him, something...). Then there was a time when we split the night and each of us tackled one nighttime feeding- I pumped before I went to bed so there was a fresh bottle of BM for DH to feed DS. 

    Now, with our second baby its very, very rare that DH gets up with her at night. I'm a little more relaxed this time around and not too stuck on everything being fair and equal. Also, I think my body has adjusted to the lack of sleep. She usually goes to sleep hours before me so now I tell myself if I'm really that tired I could be going to sleep earlier. I try to feed her one last time before I go to bed. From the time I go to bed she eats once or not at all until morning.


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    I wouldn't say I'm burnt out, but find that the nights are the hardest part of being a mommy for me.  And it drives me crazy when I hear how tired he is sometimes.  I have to give him the side-eye.  He's awesome during the day and I couldn't ask for better...he's an awesome Daddy who lacks a little at night.  I'm still on maternity leave so I'm okay with it most of the time, but when I go back to work it could be a different story.  Oh well, one day I'll look back and miss those night feedings, right? Wink
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    imageemmyann52:

    Same boat!

    My DH sleeps and snores away every night....I BF also and so it is just me getting up! 

    same here

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    I am so blessed. My DH told me it took 2 of us to make this baby so the 2 of us will take care of the baby. My DH works days and I stay home with the baby and as soon as he comes home he takes the baby and gives me a break. Then we both take the baby it depends on who is free to do so. At night I bf first then we supplement with a bottle of formula which my DH gives and we take turns changing diapers. Thank God my LO only wakes up maybe once a night!

     

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    During the week DH doesn't do anything right now. On the weekends he does everything so I only have to get up to pump (I EP). If she is not sleeping through the night when I go back to work than we will take turns.
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    imagegenaruthp:
    imageemmyann52:

    Same boat!

    My DH sleeps and snores away every night....I BF also and so it is just me getting up! 

    same here

    Us too.  He gets up in the AM with our three big kids though...puts them on the bus and cooks breakfast. 

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    ladyceeladycee member

    My DH was able to stay home for the first month after DS was born. I EBF, but DH would still get up to help change diapers, get me something to drink, etc... On the nights that DS was super fussy, he would take him in the other room after we finished nursing so I could get a couple hours of solid sleep. It was wonderful!

    Now that DH has gone back to work things have changed a little bit. He works until midnight, but I'm a night person so I'm still up. During the week I take care of little man by myself so DH can get some rest. When he gets up in the morning he'll give DS a bottle that I've pumped and they go hang out in the living room until he has to leave for work. On the weekends though he is amazing! He does everything he can to help me and will get up for feedings during the night. He actually told me that when he's home, his time is devoted to helping me with the baby. I have to say I've been far beyond impressed. Hopefully this routine continues, because it helps me keep my sanity! 

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    My husband would love to help out at night, but there isn't really a need for him since I BF.   Sure he could get up and do a diaper change (and he does if I'm having a really rough night) but that isn't really much help considering LO will wake us both up and the diaper change is like 20 minutes tops before I have to get up to BF.  

    My DH would be "happy" to sit with me while I BF, but what is the point of us both being exhausted?

    DH is a great father and is very hands on and helpful during waking hours. 

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    We are both working full time so we try to split it evenly. Since I am breastfeeding I'll usually swap off after the middle of the night feeding and just have DH give him a bottle of expressed milk once in the early AM.  
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    I am pretty lucky on nights that DH doesn't work. He works 12 hour night shifts 3 days a week so obviously on the nights he works I have to do it all alone, but the other days that he's home I go to bed around 11 or 12 and he stays up with LO until about 5 or 6 since he's used to staying up and then around 8 or 9 LO wakes up for the day and I get up with him while DH sleeps until around 12 or 1. I love the nights he's home, but the nights he's at work are really hard.
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