Mixed Feelings...
So I found out that my MIL is throwing me a baby shower. I only found out because I am planning a sprinkle for my friend who's having a boy and has her daughter and is apparently in the process of a divorce due to domestic violence. As I was planning it and looking to pick a date I told my DH about it and the date I picked apparently is the date of my surprise shower. When he said no couldn't do it that day, I asked why and told him I needed the truth, so as you can imagine he had to tell me.
I told him I'd keep it a secret that I knew, but gave him ideas for it to give to his parents. Well I found out that he is in charge of the invitations and guest list. He asked for a couple of friends phone numbers to get in touch with them and see if they'd go. Well in the process of that he also talked to my mom and she's now telling him who to invite from my side of the family and she's doing the whole picking and choosing thing. I told DH that she shouldn't do that and that she told me way back when MIL first offered that no one from my side would come. I am unsure about this and my ILs are paying for this, DH doesn't know what to do and I am angry at my mom for doing this. I feel like she's trying to dictate who to invite when it's not her footing the bill. What do I do????
DH and I are going to talk about it tomorrow and tell his parents that I know about it and see what we can do. I just feel like my mom all of a sudden is contradicting what she told me before. I fell that if she leaves other members of my family out, it will create drama and make future events uncomfortable. I told DH that it should be whomever his parents want, our friends, and just my parents and sister that way no one gets hurt feelings and no drama is created. If my mom wants to throw a sprinkle for me with my family that's her choice but she shouldn't tell DH to invite some and not other members of my family to an event hosted by my ILs.
Any advice on this would be great...it might be my hormones but I am so pissed at my mom for this...DH is trying his hardest and so are my ILs that I don't want to put them out anymore than needed. My ILs have been so supportive and helping us out financially when things get too tight, I just don't feel right making them go to all this trouble for me.
HELP!!!!!
Re: Mixed Feelings...
I don't completely understand why you can't address it with your mom. Just because it's a surprise doesn't mean you don't know there will be one or who will be on the guest list?
I would call your mom and tell her that originally your MIL offered to throw a shower for DH's side of the family only. That was what she was willing to do for money/space/whatever reason. Tell her you don't know the date or anything but your husband asked about the guests since it contradicted what she had told you earlier.
Then I would tell her that she can call your MIL to discuss it. If your wants to invite your side of the family then maybe she can contribute financially and help out with planning? I don't think there would be anything wrong with clarifying with your mom so that your IL's don't feel like they are going beyond what they offered originally.
What I would do is not get involved (more than you are). Your DH knows your mom is trying to hijack the shower and it is up to him to tell his mom. Also, even though your mom is picking and choosing relatives on your side she WILL have to tell your MIL because otherwise how would they get invites and how would MIL know to have more food, etc. I think if you MIL does not have the room or finances to accomodate your family (other than your mom and sister) then she needs to tell your mom that she can't accomodate her/your family. If your MIL doesn't have a problem with many people added then I would give the list of your relatives (all of them...not just the ones your mom is picking and choosing) to your DH and he can give it to his mom. They need to ignore your mom's wishes. Your mom really has nothing to do with the shower...kind of weird that she is now trying to butt in.
So my DH talked to his dad and his dad was like I really don't want a lot of people there so my DH told his dad well why not mom and you, DH's brother and girlfriend, then DH's uncle wife and three kids, a family friend and her husband, then like 4 or 5 of our friends and their kids and SO's, then my parents and my sis and her husband. His dad agreed and said that's all that he wanted there at most.
So...DH called my mom and he told her that and now it's too late; she's already started to tell family about it...DH doesn't know what to do and he's angry at my mom for doing this. I can't talk to her about it because she'll know that I know about it and then the drama will really pick up and I can't have that/handle it either.
I don't know what to do...DH is thinking about telling my mom that it's cancelled all together that way no one gets hurt and just throw one in secret with our friends and his family in order to avoid the drama. DH is starting to think that it's best for all if we do it that way. Any ideas on that?
TIA!
Apart from being a little confused by the whole thing, I'm getting a few vibes here. First, your mom does sound like she's hijacking the shower- she's expecting your MIL to foot the bill and then she's taking it upon herself to invite her whole family, making it seem like she's hosting. She needs to be told that the shower was never meant to be that large, and if she had already invited people (TACKY.... not her place, and it doesn't sound like invites have gone out yet) then she will be expected to co-host financially to make it possible. If not, SHE will have to deal with the mess she created by verbally inviting people.
Second, I'm confused about why your MIL asked your DH to do all of this, and why your DH then spoke to your FIL instead of your MIL. What does your FIL have to do with planning a baby shower? I know you don't want to ruin the surprise, but let's face it- it's ruined. You need to cut out all the middlemen and go right to your mom and MIL yourself to clear things up.
DH spoke to his dad because both of DH's parents are hosting and his dad was the only one available to talk to about it.
The actual invitations have not gone out yet and DH was put in charge of them by his parents. So DH wants to keep me happy and his parents happy which we both are on the same page regarding the list. However my PIA sister has told DH that she won't go so that just my mother's mother can go if it comes down to it. I'd rather that neither of them go due to all the drama they both bring to events. I try my hardest to play nice and be polite at events with them and where this is supposed to be about me I just don't want them there.
I don't want to suck it up and deal with it because my friends will know something is wrong and I won't be able to have fun. I'm just thinking of cancelling it all together to avoid the drama that will ensue by having my family present. I know my ILs wanted to do it, but I think now it's getting out of hand and I can't have that. I'm sure I'm being hormonal, but I can't take the stress of family events with them. I had lots of false alarms with DS and I am not about to have them again with LO because of stress.