DH lacks sympathy
So, I lost my cat recently, and though there's still a slight chance she may turn up, I'm not too hopeful. I've gone by the security and housing offices to leave photos, and the patrols are keeping an eye out for her (we live on base). I also went by the Humane Society today to see if someone had picked her up by chance. No luck so far. She's an inside/outside cat and has NEVER stayed out longer than 8 hours, so I'm pretty sure she's gone for good.
Meanwhile my DH is deployed, but we get to talk on an (almost) daily basis thanks to his job. So he's been up to date on the constant kitty-hunt. He hasn't been very enthusiastic, so I've been avoiding talking about it too much. Well last night it finally sank in that she's probably gone, and I cried myself to sleep. When he called today, we got to talk for about 2 hours, and though I didn't harp on it, my mind was on my cat, and I probably brought it up 3 or 4 times. The last time I said I was afraid she's gone for good. He took that to mean dead, and his exact response was, "So what if she's dead. Just get another one. She's a cat. They die; that's what they do." I was so stunned and hurt that I just cried and then made an excuse to get off of the phone.
After I calmed down I wrote him and email, trying to be nice and understanding, simply stating that I understand that the atmosphere he's working in is extremely masculine and not a good place to practice compassion, so I get why he was cold. But I went on to explain that it really hurt and disappointed me that he couldn't find it in himself to be a little compassionate. That cat has been the thing I held at night when I couldn't hold him. She was the one I cried on through my miscarriage, when he was in another state. She was my little companion, and though she's just a cat, she was my cat. His response was to tell me that he was sick of hearing about the stupid cat, and he was tired of trying to "console me for two hours straight, so he decided to point out some harsh truths". Am I wrong to feel hurt at his utter lack of sympathy?
Re: DH lacks sympathy
I'm so sorry about your kitty
I definitely feel you on this one. My animals are my family and I also get very hurt when people say that my Greely is "just" a cat. If something happened to her, I'd grieve for her the same way I would a family member.
I know he's in a stressful environment and maybe that might be why he's being so insensitive, but I'd still be very upset over the whole thing. He needs to understand that you're under just as much stress being here without him....and even IF he doesn't have the same feelings for that cat as you do, he should still learn to muster up some sympathy and try to help you through it. I wish you the best and hope you feel better. Feel free to pm if you need to vent or anything.
Patiently waiting for the arrival of our little Evelyn Noelle!
I'm sorry about your cat. It's not really about the cat as it's about your feelings. A lot of men are results driven, so if he can't "fix it" then he may not want to "harp" on it. I think you're entitled to be sad about your cat for a few days and want some sympathy from your husband. I also don't think being in a "masculine" environment necessarily gives him an excuse to be so curt with you; men can sympathize just as well as women. Is he extremely stressed because of his responsibilities? That's the only way I could see him being so short with you. Maybe you both need to take a few days for yourselves and then talk about why your feelings were hurt when you're both a bit calmer.
Though he's deployed, he's not in a hostile area. There is NO fighting where he is, and he works in the MWR. If he's stressed about anything it's that he doesn't have enough responsibility. (No tongue in cheek, he's really stressing that they aren't using him as he sees fit).
Usually he does the whole "let me fix it" thing, but with this it's like he doesn't even want to talk about it. Those two hours he claims to have been consoling me were actually spent with me trying to hold up a conversation in which I got the typical "uh huh" responses while he downloaded movies on his laptop. That's why Gumbo kept getting brought up anyway, b/c he wasn't talking.
I guess I need to just let it go, but it bothers me b/c he just doesn't "get" why this is such a big deal for me. Oh well.
Though he's deployed, he's not in a hostile area. There is NO fighting where he is, and he works in the MWR. If he's stressed about anything it's that he doesn't have enough responsibility. (No tongue in cheek, he's really stressing that they aren't using him as he sees fit).
Usually he does the whole "let me fix it" thing, but with this it's like he doesn't even want to talk about it. Those two hours he claims to have been consoling me were actually spent with me trying to hold up a conversation in which I got the typical "uh huh" responses while he downloaded movies on his laptop. That's why Gumbo kept getting brought up anyway, b/c he wasn't talking.
I guess I need to just let it go, but it bothers me b/c he just doesn't "get" why this is such a big deal for me. Oh well.
Honestly I would be upset but if he is bored out of his mind on this deployment then yeah that is stressful. Sorry for playing devils advocate right now but I know when my H was dpeloyed and was basically being used for nothing it was the worse deployment. He was always in a bad mood and conversation was minimal. They are fed up of doing nothing. I guess when you train so hard and do all the work ups only to not do anything ona deployment it is annoying and drives you crazy.
I am sorry about your cat and I hope for the best. He may never get why you are so upset if he was not as close to the cat as you were. The ladies on the board are here for you though. ::big hug::