Slowly being driven crazy. <vent>

debrian08

This isn't actually for my shower (I'm pregnant, but we haven't told anyone yet), but for my brother and SIL's.

They are adopting and just got approved to be foster parents. I had asked them a month or so ago (after they passed the home inspection) about doing a baby shower and was told they wanted to wait until the adoption was final before doing any parties. No problem, I can understand. Then after getting this official approval they considered doing one now, but then decided again that they wanted to wait because they won't be sure what they'll get, or even the exact age range, other than 2-5 years old. 

 Again, no problem, I completely understand their reasoning. Then, SIL's grandma and my Mom get involved. In the past three day's I've gotten 15+ emails from them about wanting to hold a shower for SIL. They want to get the details "sorted out" before approaching them. It took two days and 5 different ways of telling them that a shower was not wanted yet before it started to even sink in. 

They've picked out a date, decided how to handle registering and gifts, and are now trying to decide a location. Yet they keep telling me I should be in charge of it since I talked to SIL about a shower first. Even though I keep telling them she doesn't want one and that I refuse to do anything until I know it's what they do want. 

It finally sunk in this morning after they talked to her and realized, "Wow, she doesn't want to do a shower right now." So now they are talking about a family get together to celebrate. Ugh! 

I email SIL this morning to warn her about this new development. I'm excited to celebrate with them and help plan a party, but only when it's something they actually want, when they want it!

Sorry for such a long post, I've been brewing over this all weekend.

Idomoodou2

Becoming a foster parent is a HUUUUGE step and as a child welfare professional i thank your brother and sister in law for making that commitment to care for and accept a child into their home.  I wish there were more people like them.

That being said... I don't know what type of agency or situation they are in but it might help to suggest to your family that even if they get a child they may only stay a short period of time, and/or get returned to their birth parents.  I support their decision to wait until the adoption if finalized, or even if rights are terminated to celebrate a specific child.  It is absolutley heart breaking to adotive families to have to remove a child that they thought they were going to adopt from a home, only because hopes were raised prematurely. 

Also congrats to you.

 

debrian08

Idomoodou2:

It is absolutley heart breaking to adotive families to have to remove a child that they thought they were going to adopt from a home, only because hopes were raised prematurely.

Exactly! It's one of the reasons I'm trying to do what they want. My Mom sent me a text today and seems to "get it" now, but SIL's grandma is still "penciling in" a weekend for the shower. Ugh! 

rhubarb123

I agree with the other pp.  A friend of mine is a foster parent to tiny babies and usually they are either adopted out or given back to the birth parent within the first month or so.  Might be different in your SIL's case since you said ages 2-5...but it might be the same.  What they could do is to have a "family celebration" and maybe get toys in that age range (things that will last - ride on toys, swings, cars/trucks, etc).  They would probably just have to do this by word of mouth to those that are invited.  I don't think a shower is appropriate at this point.