My poor girl is going through really bad separation anxiety - I would actually call it separation terror.
As a quick background: I have been home with her full time since she was born - she just turned 4. She had pretty bad separation anxiety for probably longer than usual, but we haven't had any real issues with it for well over a year (even when she started preschool there were minimal tears for a day or two and nothing else). She has been going for overnights to my mom's house pretty frequently (every 2 months or so for 2 nights) for at least a year without a problem. For more than a year now I have been out of the house two evenings a week for bootcamp - essential to my physical and mental health.
Fast forward to the last month. First we went on vacation to Disneyland (just the 3 of us) for a week. We came home and she immediately got sick and we were home together for a week. Easter weekend came and I came down with what she had, so the day after Easter she went to stay a couple of nights with my mom so I could fight the bug (and, frankly, get a break). She was going to spend 3 nights, per her request, but asked to come home a day early.
Since she got home, she has been a completely different person. Not just the whining and bossiness, which I think is totally just her age and a phase based on what all her friends are doing, but she has total and complete separation issues. When I leave for bootcamp, she immeidately starts crying and throws such an extreme fit that it unnerves even my ALWAYS calm DH (yes, he is home with her when I leave). She is a wreck the entire 2.5 hours I am gone unless she falls asleep (which, btw, she does without dinner, brushing teeth, getting into pjs etc. because she literally fights tooth and nail to NOT do those things). She has informed me that she is never sleeping anywhere but home, thinks I should never ever leave her, wants me to sleep in her bed and does not believe me when I tell her I will always come back.
She has also started crying when I drop her off at school - just for a few minutes, but she hasn't cried at all for the last 8 months so it is very unusual.
This is the third week we are dealing with this. After lots of talking with her I think I know what has brought it on. At my mom's, she usually sleeps on her air mattress in my mom's room. This last time, she wanted to sleep in the living room alone which my mom allowed. My girl says she woke up in the night, was scared called out for me, and no one came.
On the one hand, I am so relieved that it was something so innocuous that she is reacting to - in my head I had gone to much worse places. But I know it was serious and traumatic for HER. And now I have to try to figure out how to fix it...
And because I know some of these questions will be asked: Yes, my mom does generally wake up - I believe L didn't really call out, but was whimpering/whispering but thought she yelled as this has happened at home before. No, I never sneak out of the house without telling her I am leaving. Yes, I do talk to her at length during the day about the fact that I will be leaving for a while, but coming back. Yes, she has a comfort item/lovey that she can have whenever she needs it for snuggling. Yes, my husband has tried distractions that she loves to get her through it and none of them have worked.
So...what do I do? DH and I are in agreement that I need to keep doing my regular things but that we need to find some way to help her get through this without so much trauma/drama.
Sorry this is so longwinded, and if you made it this far please come over and join me for a cocktail because with all of this going on you KNOW I'm having one anyway and I don't want to drink alone...
But before you head over can you please take a minute to give me some words of wisdom and advice? I just don't know what to do to help my poor sweet girl.
Re: Advice needed re: Separation issues (SUPER long)
I just wanted to offer you hugs, L. I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to find something that helps her feel more secure with you leaving for short periods of time. Poor girl, and poor mama.
Do you think it would help if she and daddy went for an outing next time you leave for bootcamp? Like to get frozen yogurt or something? I don't know...I obviously have no experience...just wanted to offer support, and more hugs.
Thanks Stef! We tried this last time - they were all set to leave for the park, but never got out the door because she melted down when I got in the car. Maybe if they leave first...
stupid double post
I'm wondering if she would benefit from seeing what you are doing. Maybe DH can take her to see you at Boot Camp. If it's at the park they can pack their dinner so that they can have a picnic. Maybe if she see's where you are, what you are doing, and that it isn't a permanent outing she may behave differently.
My only fear with this, is that she would want to make it a regular thing and that is besides the point of Boot Camp.
The other thing we started doing so I can get some work done is Zophie and Daddy Date night. Instead of reminding her of what you are doing, remind and get her excited for Date Night with Daddy.
Good luck! Can't wait for some of that Sangria in a few weeks!
I have no real advice because it sounds like you're doing everything I would have tried. The only thing that might work is to have Daddy and L go out for some reason and leave you home on bootcamp nights. Not that it's sneaking but more of a "special daddy and daughter date". Could be as silly as running to the store with just him or going to get fro yo or ????
Given all of the separation issues, you might talk with a counselor and see if there's something that they can give you advice on. (I hope that doesn't sound horrible - it's meant out of love and respect. I've considered it for my own issues with Ryan).
Hugs
ETA: I guess we all had the same idea - have daddy take her out before you have to leave....
Big hugs! I think you are doing all the things I would do. I am sure this will be short lived as she will see you always come back. One of the things that worked well went I started working was for me to call and talk to the boys throughout the day. Maybe you could tell L you will call her when you arrive at Bootcamp to say a special hello, and you will call back as soon as you are on your way home. So she is hearing from you and that might lessen the time she is missing you. Then at home when she gets upset P can remind her Mommy is going to call you in just a little bit. That might help.
I actually did this with a little boy in my class who cried every morning he came to school. For him if he did not cry when he got to the door and made it to recess with no tears he got to go to the office and call mom. Then again at lunch, it's helped a LOT! He cried every day from the start of the year and once I started that with him he stopped crying in less than 2 weeks.
Another thing that has worked well with students is telling them the events of the day so they know all of the things we will do before they see mom again. Maybe before you go you and P can talk with her and say Mommy is going to go and while I am gone you get to do all of these things, list them out in the order they will happen, throw in rewards for not crying whatever feels right to you.
If she is a reward chart kind of kid you could try that too! Make her a brave chart once its filled she is rewarded. If making it 10 mins without crying is hard then make the goal just 10 mins and she gets a sticker or star. Saddly she "learned" to be scared from a situation that was scary for her now its just like teaching her to be brave again.
Big hugs momma! It's hard to leave your baby crying for you at home, I've sadly been there.
I'm sorry L is going through this. I had bad separation issues when I was younger - my dad left my mom when I was 3 and I always worried my mom was going to leave too. My issues went on until I was about 8 or 9, but different all together since you and your DH are still together.
I hope you can find some good answers on how to make it better.
I agree you need to stay on your routine and get time away from her. Since she is old enough to understand, maybe explain you are going to go do ________ and you will be home soon (maybe explain bedtime, dinnertime, etc.)
I think you've got some great advice. Hope it gets better soon:)