Anybody with a full-term loss?

smtaylor1

I just need assurance that I am being normal here.  We had 2 m/c and then got pregnant with our son.  At our a/s they found heart defects.  After testing he was diagnosed with 5 heart defects, we were told that it was fixable.  At birth it was discovered (never detected before) that he didn't have a trachea.  That is not fixable and we lost him 5 hours after birth.  We are coming up on one year for him.  That is eating me up.  I keep dreaming about what he should be doing right now.  And to add even more emotions we are 23 wks pregnant with a girl this time.  Her a/s came back healthy.  But I still can't seem to muster up the excitement.  I am happy to be pregnant and happy she is healthy but I feel like I have no hope over the situation.  I can't get connected to her because well they didn't expect to have no trachea when they delivered James.  I don't want to go through the same slap that I did when I delivered him.  My husband totally understands it but everybody else thinks I am awful for not being more excited.  I am just matter of fact, it is what it is.  Am I alone on this one or is this normal???

anniemh20

I have no words to describe how sorry I for the loss you suffered.  I understand your hesitations.  I do not have any experiences to share, I just wanted you to know I do empathize with you and will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

StephK86

I am and I know all about your fears. My son died at a little over a month old from catching staph/ecoli pneumonia from his stay in the NICU. It actually could be considered SIDS as well because they found those diseases in his system but he aspirated and choked as many SIDS babies do which led to his death. They just aren't sure if it was from his illness or not. I am having a battle with my emotions. There are moments when I am excited that I get to be a mom again and there are moments I think if this baby dies so will I. I can' t go through that again. Besides the fact I miss my son terribly.

It is totally normal to feel the way you are feeling. To lose a child is the greatest loss one can experience. Nothing will ever make that hurt go away. We can't sit back and relax or be excited like other moms because we know what can happen and that it CAN happen to us. When I get excited I feel guilty but then when I am so depressed I feel guilty not being excited. It's going to be a bumpy road either way. Just take things day to day or even hour by hour and don't feel guilty that you aren't filled with excitement like a first time mom. You are (rightfully so) nervous and it's o.k. whoever doesn't understand ignore them. I am sorry for your loss.

ravenorchid

((Huge Hugs)) I am so very sorry for your losses. I did not have a full-term loss, but I did lose my daughter at 20 weeks due to PPROM. It was the most difficult thing I've ever gone through and it's certainly impacted the way I'm dealing with this pregnancy. While I am starting to feel excited, it took a while for me to believe this might actually be our take home baby. All your feelings are completely normal and I'm sorry that you've encountered such a lack of understanding from others. I hope all goes well with your baby girl. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

babes12

First i'm so sorry for the loss of James and your m/c's. 

I too, lost my son, Wyatt due to unforseen complications.  The only thing we knew was that we had a slight increased risk of Downs, (1/180risk) level II u/s showed no markers for downs and looked like a perfectly healthy little boy.  Fast forward to 32wks when i went for my growth u/s it was discovered that i basically had no amniotic fluid and was admitted to the hospital that day.  I went into labor 3 days later and had an emergency C.  We lost Wyatt 19hrs later due to many internal complications including possibly no right lung, they punctured his left lung while trying to intubate him, some sort of trachyia esophageal issue and some other things as well. 

Like you it was a huge slap in the face when you thought everything was fine and LO was born so unhealthy. 

After we lost him, we experienced a m/c 10months later.  It was awful to say the least.  Then we couldn't get pg again and had to see an RE. 

So i've been very skeptical about this pregnancy.  We just got the news that our NT scan results were negative for any risks.  I really thought that would be it and i would be on top of the moon, instead i really don't feel any different.  i'm still territfied and some friends can't understand why i'm not excited yet especially after getting good news on the NT scan b/w. 

So i understand you and your not alone.  Hopefully we'll start to enjoy this experience before it's over.  ((hugs))

EKG

My loss was not full-term, however we did terminate at 20 weeks due to fatal abnormalities (DS never developed a renal system).  I am 15 weeks pregnant today, and although I didn?t know it at the time, this was when things started to go downhill fast during my last pregnancy.  Needless to say I am a nervous wreck and am just waiting for the bad AFP test results, the horrible amnio, etc?as a PP poster, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Right now my only emotion related to this pregnancy is fear, and all the things that can go wrong.  I really haven?t connected to the baby because there are no guarantees that I?ll be taking one home from the hospital - anytime I talk about the pregnancy I use the word ?if?.  I think once you have been on the sh!tty side of statistics, your view is changed forever.  Everyone tells me that the odds are on my side?then again, the odds were on my side last time too. 

 

So as you can see, your feelings are totally normal.  Just hang in there and do the best you can, and take it one day at a time.

pennynjon

I am so so sorry for your losses.  We found out at our anatomy scan that our daughter had a fatal birth defect.  We chose to carry to term, and Ella lived for 20 hours after she was born.  It wasn't unexpected, but there is no way to prepare yourself for the death of your child.  I thought I had prepared myself, but I was wrong.  You just can't imagine how it would feel until you experience it.  Seven months later, we decided to try again.  We lost that baby at 7w6d, a week after seeing the heartbeat.  I am 9w3d into this pregnancy and everything has gone well so far,except one episode of spotting.  I have had three us so far.  All have looked great.  I feel good for a day or so after my us, and then the worry creeps in again.  I am so thankful that all looks well, but so scared that something will happen. I think everything you are feeling is completely normal after what you have gone through.  I know I won't feel safe until my baby is safe and healthy, and in my arms. 

ocwife

I am so sorry for your losses. And yes that is definitely normal. We lost our son at 28 weeks due to some complications with his cord. I am now a little over 16 weeks pregnant with this baby and feel the same. It's hard to be excited when you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even if everything looks fine with this baby, I know that it doesn't mean that everything will be fine. I try to focus on the now, and how blessed I am to be pregnant, that everything is ok right now and try not to think too hard about what could happen. I am sorry that people are giving you a hard time, you have every reason to be feeling this way.

stillwaiting12

First off I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I didn't experience a full term loss, but we lost our little girl due to pPROM at 18 weeks. We had our NT scan and we had an ultrasound 5 days prior to my water breaking. Everything looked great all along. Nothing can repair the emotions after losing a child. It's the most awful experience and the most heart wrenching situation that myself or my family have ever been through.

I am almost 13 weeks with this pregnancy and I am terrified. Every time I move I think about my water breaking. I can't get excited and I feel like a horrible person because I think I am depriving this baby of the love it deserves because I am afraid of getting attached. I just can't change my feelings. I think it's normal to feel this way. I don't really know how anyone who has been through a loss can not be scared with subsequent pregnancies. I have to remind myself that there are 2 sides to a statistic and even though I have been on the crap end of those stats, someone has to be on the positive side and that CAN be me.

((hugs)) to you.

jgengo0

I am so very sorry, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. We lost one of our twin girls at 26 weeks for no apparent reason. She was perfectly healthy. They couldn't even tell if it was a cord accident.  After we lost her I was sure we were going to lose baby A as well. How could one pass and the other be perfectly ok? When they told me they wanted me to carry them both to term before they did anything I about had a heart attack. I wanted them out that second to give baby A a chance.

They said they couldn't promise anything...But need me to try to make it to term. Well It has almost been 10 weeks since baby B's passing and while I am thrilled I am still so incredibly nervous. I keep thinking what if there is something wrong with her they couldn't detect as well? For awhile I shared your exact emotions. I do not think it is wrong. You are protecting yourself. It's 100% natural. People who have not experienced this type situation can not understand no matter how hard they try. I finally decided to let myself be happy and I have to tell you what a blessing it has been. My personal fears/ feelings will not change my current situation. Therefore, I choose to live in the moment and be happy. 

I started thinking one positive thought a day as well as picked one thing that needed to be done ( buy a pack n' play etc) a week. Now I am only thinking positively. It has really helped. Sometimes you need to force yourself to do uncomfortable things.I wanted to look back at this pregnancy and remember it as somewhat of a happy time instead of just months of fear/ depression. 

rachelle2824

Our son was a full term, completely unexpected loss due to a possible cord accident (there was a knot in his cord.) I am also pregnant (22 weeks) and have the exact same issue as you do. I am nearing my one year anniversary of my sons birth and feeling all those emotions as well as all the fear and "unknown" of this pregnancy. I can't get too excited and if I do I have an equally depressing low little breakdown wondering why I would let myself get excited. I don't think anyone except my husband understands at all which is frustrating. I get the whole "why are you worried, everything will be FINE" over and over again which I HATE with a fiery passion! How do they know everything will be okay?!

So, in an attempt not to write you a book in response: I understand all too well how you feel and how frustrating it can be being pregnant and loving all your babies (born, unborn and in Heaven) and wish you moments of peace and joy with this pregnancy. It's not easy but give yourself credit for every moment you are able to deal with your grief and be sad and for every moment you are able to celebrate your pregnancy: both of these emotions take incredible strength. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy!   

lewis514

You are not alone. We lost one of our twins during labor. We have confirmed there in only one baby this time which greatly decreases our risks and we should have a "normal" pregnancy. I thought I would feel better after the dating u/s last week but now I'm waiting for the 1st tri screen. I hope I feel better after that but I'm sure then I'll we be waiting for the big u/s.

 

allybaby85

((Huge hugs)) I am sorry to hear about James. I had a placental abruption at 33 weeks with a girl and now i am pregnant with a boy and am about 22 weeks now. I have moments where I am excited but not excited like i was with Lillyan. And i feel really guilty about it.I am mostly scared to death. Lillyan's anniversary is comming up next month and I am having a really hard time with everything. Know that you are not alone.