Hubby Volunteered.. — The Bump
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Hubby Volunteered..

My husband is in the AF and volunteered to go to Arkansas to help aid in the relief efforts for those involved in the tornado. I know he is going to do good but if he goes will be gone for 3 weeks and won't be here when we find out the sex of our baby. Does it make me selfish that I want him here when we find out? I just feel like he volunteered without even thinking about our family..
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Re: Hubby Volunteered..

  • That's the job, and them's the cranks!  I think it's very nice of him to volunteer for this.  I also understand you being a little disappointed.  

    My husband couldn't attend our big US.  It was fun having it be my little secret until I could tell him face to face.  Make it something special to look forward to when he gets back. 

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  • Not to sound harsh but it does seem a little selfish.  It's not like he's going off with his friends for a guys week out or something.  Now if he volunteered during the time that you were to go into labor that's a whole different story. 

    I'm sure he'll be just as excited to find out the sex when he comes back.

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  • Honestly, if he's anything like my hubby, while he couldn't wait and wanted to be there, even the say before he would ask when the appointment was again. They don't have these things running through their minds like we do!

    One option, don't let the doc tell you either. Have them write it in a card and seal it, along with the gender pics, then open it over a glass of sparking cider :)

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  • image PhotoFan:

    Not to sound harsh but it does seem a little selfish.  It's not like he's going off with his friends for a guys week out or something.  Now if he volunteered during the time that you were to go into labor that's a whole different story. 

    I'm sure he'll be just as excited to find out the sex when he comes back.

    Totally this. You can always just have the tech write it on a piece of paper and put it in a sealed envelope and open it together or take it to a bakery and have them do the inside either pink or blue and yall cut into it and find out together. OR just wait till the baby is here! lol It's not like he's missing the birth.

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  • DH couldn't go to my ultrasound on Tuesday either. I was bummed, but I made another plan. Last Friday, we paid $75 to have an elective ultrasound so he could be there when we found out. In this situation, I think you need to suck it up. These storms devastated the country, and I think you should be proud that he volunteered to help.
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  • image hunt2005:
    Honestly, if he's anything like my hubby, while he couldn't wait and wanted to be there, even the say before he would ask when the appointment was again. They don't have these things running through their minds like we do!

    One option, don't let the doc tell you either. Have them write it in a card and seal it, along with the gender pics, then open it over a glass of sparking cider :)

    This completely.  We find out a month from now and I'm pretty sure my DH has no clue when the u/s is even though its on the calendar.  I love the envelope with the u/s pics in it idea.  That way you can still both find out together.

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  • Honestly, I think this makes you sound pretty selfish.  I mean, I get being a little disappointed that he won't be there for the big u/s (really I get it, my husband was gone for all but about 6 non-consecutive weeks of my very rough pregnancy, and found out over the phone that we were having twins at 6 weeks and their sexes at 20 weeks), but the last sentence just sounds really crappy.  People lost EVERYTHING from these storms.  I'm sure he was thinking about that instead of one u/s in a hopefully healthy pregnancy.  If he was going to be gone while you gave birth I'd say you have a right to be upset with him for not consulting you first, but it's just an u/s. 

    Do what the PP suggested, and have the u/s tech write down the sex of the baby and seal it in an envelope to open when he gets home.  It's only 3 weeks.  Instead of being upset with him, you should be proud to be married to someone so selfless. 

  • Is it possible that your DH was voluntold that he had to go? That's how my DH learned of his deployment--it was an important mission and he needed to be a part of it. He deployed, on Mother's Day, when I was 30 some weeks pregnant. He redeployed on our LO's nine month birthday. I understand wanting your DH with you at the appointment, but trust me--there will be more milestones that he will miss, but there are many he'll be present for, as well. As military families, we postpone or recreate memories as needed. The suggestion of putting the baby's sex on a card, sealed for you to open together is a great one.

    And, there's always the chance that the baby may not provide the view needed. That happened to my former SIL when she was pregnant with my nephew. My brother, who travelled a ton for work, was out of town. They flew her brother in so that she would have someone with her, and the baby clamped his legs shut. Granted, that was nearly 18 years ago, but still, it does happen.

    Good luck. Try to remember that what your DH is doing is to help those who have had their lives decimated by powerful storms.
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  • Thanks everyone. I know I sound selfish. He wasn't told he had to do anything, he volunteered. I know these people lost everything. Maybe I'll do the whole put it in a card thing and open it together but it's just disappointing. I'm over 2000 miles away from my family so it's not like I have anyone else here. I know people but they are more or less associates not people I would call and say, "Hey, come with me to find out what I'm having." Also, I've been a little emotional these past couple of days so maybe that's why. 
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  • image mteston:
    Thanks everyone. I know I sound selfish. He wasn't told he had to do anything, he volunteered. I know these people lost everything. Maybe I'll do the whole put it in a card thing and open it together but it's just disappointing. I'm over 2000 miles away from my family so it's not like I have anyone else here. I know people but they are more or less associates not people I would call and say, "Hey, come with me to find out what I'm having." Also, I've been a little emotional these past couple of days so maybe that's why. 
    I'm in the same boat with regards to friends and family. Guess what? I went alone, and it was just as exciting as it would have been if DH was there.
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  • I'll have my 2 year old with me so I guess it'll be exciting for him to see the baby again. He got so excited last time we had an ultrasound he even told the tech Thank You! lol. Daddy missed out on that one also but we weren't expecting an U/S that day. They only did one because my DR couldn't find the heartbeat while using the doppler. 
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  • Unfortunately that's the life :( I went in for my normal appt at 10 wks while the hubby was deployed (and silent, they weren't able to send any messages), and found out it was triplets while on a table by myself. Disappointing that he couldn't have been there? Yes. Now that he's home? Doesn't make any difference. I got the news to him as fast as possible, and we celebrated even more at his homecoming because of it. There will be MANY things they miss over the years, and its all a matter of perspective. At least he's not watching the birth via webcam while in Afghanistan, right? :)
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  • I live in the affected area. Over a 150 people have died within an hour of me. Two of the Airmen stationed at our base lost their entire homes. They NEED help and your husband is so generous to volunteer to go help clean up. I think the envelope idea is great. And perhaps that can make it extra special.
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  • Why don't you just hold off on finding out the sex until he gets home?
    image image
  • I guess I'm the odd person out because yes, I would be mad/upset if my husband volunteered to leave for 3 weeks without talking to me about it.  Yes, the military is his job, BLAH BLAH BLAH, but I'm his wife, and I come first.  Family over career.  With that said, if he said "hey baby, I really want to help with the aid relief; what do you think?", then I would support him.  It's a good thing he's doing and it's not like he is going off to the war.  I would be disappointed, but I'd deal.  I'd ask the ultrasound technician to write the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope, so that my husband and I could find out together once he was home.
  • image JMB22:
      Family over career. 

    If you keep up this line of thinking it's going to be a long tough time while your H is serving.  It's mission first everything else second, unfortunately sometimes the mission comes up and you need to make a decision right there and then.

    OP, I'm in agreement with most of the other posters, either have the tech write down the baby's sex, seal it and open it together or get a cake OR get an elective u/s when he comes home.

    I also want to point out it's not a guarantee you'll find out what you're having.  If baby is being uncooperative you're SOL.  As long as the tech gets quality pictures of baby's anatomy that's all the doctor will be concerned about.  It's a scan to make sure baby is healthy not a "find out what we're having" scan.

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  • image Sgt M's Wife:

    image JMB22:
      Family over career. 

    If you keep up this line of thinking it's going to be a long tough time while your H is serving.  It's mission first everything else second, unfortunately sometimes the mission comes up and you need to make a decision right there and then.

    OP, I'm in agreement with most of the other posters, either have the tech write down the baby's sex, seal it and open it together or get a cake OR get an elective u/s when he comes home.

    I also want to point out it's not a guarantee you'll find out what you're having.  If baby is being uncooperative you're SOL.  As long as the tech gets quality pictures of baby's anatomy that's all the doctor will be concerned about.  It's a scan to make sure baby is healthy not a "find out what we're having" scan.

    Two giant thumbs up!!!!
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  • You do recognize that there are pretty good odds that the baby won't be pointing in the correct way, right? I was high risk and had a handful of U/S and only 1/3 of them ever had a money shot. And really, while I do believe he was wrong to volunteer without talking to you first, THAT should be the discussion point, not the fact that you wont have him there to find out the sex of the baby. If you really want him there, you can see if there is a training school nearby. You can get a discounted U/S that way,
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  • I think its crap that so many people on here are calling you selfish for how you are feeling right now. Its totally normal to want him there and just as normal to feel disappointed in the fact that he wont be....it also says NOTHING about how you feel about what he decided to go do. Especially with all the pregnancy hormones running through you right now its completely understandable that you would feel this way, while still feeling proud of him for doing what he's doing. How you feel doesnt change either situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with hearing you're a selfish person on top of it.

    That being said, I also love the envelope idea and finding out together when he gets back, while those few weeks are going to feel like eternity if it is that important to you that the two of you find out together. I agree he should have talked to you before hand but I applaud his decision to go.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do and dont be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Military life is difficult, then adding pregnancy hormones on top of it and it can be downright overwhelming. Just breathe and think about how proud of their daddy your LO will be when they arrive knowing he not only sacrifices what he does to be in the AF but also to help those in need during a crisis. Wink

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  • image FinallyMommy2B:

    I think its crap that so many people on here are calling you selfish for how you are feeling right now. Its totally normal to want him there and just as normal to feel disappointed in the fact that he wont be....it also says NOTHING about how you feel about what he decided to go do. Especially with all the pregnancy hormones running through you right now its completely understandable that you would feel this way, while still feeling proud of him for doing what he's doing. How you feel doesnt change either situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with hearing you're a selfish person on top of it.



    image mteston:
    Does it make me selfish that I want him here when we find out? I just feel like he volunteered without even thinking about our family..


    She is the one who asked if she was being selfish--her word. And, folks have said that they understand her disappointment but have also offered suggestions to share the big reveal. We would not be weighing in on this if she had not asked.

    As far as the Bump/Nest go, this is hardly a flaming.
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  • image Smudges*Mom:
    image FinallyMommy2B:

    I think its crap that so many people on here are calling you selfish for how you are feeling right now. Its totally normal to want him there and just as normal to feel disappointed in the fact that he wont be....it also says NOTHING about how you feel about what he decided to go do. Especially with all the pregnancy hormones running through you right now its completely understandable that you would feel this way, while still feeling proud of him for doing what he's doing. How you feel doesnt change either situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with hearing you're a selfish person on top of it.



    image mteston:
    Does it make me selfish that I want him here when we find out? I just feel like he volunteered without even thinking about our family..


    She is the one who asked if she was being selfish--her word. And, folks have said that they understand her disappointment but have also offered suggestions to share the big reveal. We would not be weighing in on this if she had not asked.

    As far as the Bump/Nest go, this is hardly a flaming.

    Ditto. No one was rude about it at all - just simply answered her. This is her husbands job, he volunteered for military service and all that came with it. She may or may not have been part of that decision, I don't know. But when it comes down to it, there are many worse things he could be missing out on.

    As a side note, why not just push back the anatomy scan to when he will be here? :) Then everyone's happy!

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  • I definitely understand your feelings. You have a right to feel how you do. 

    However, PPs are right, and the mission comes first.

    That being said, DH and I have had many conversations about this, and it has basically boiled down to this: I need him to tell me that he'd rather be home with us, even though he has to put the mission first. He tends to be rather matter-of-fact about things and defaults to the "this is just the way it is" attitude. I find that if he can tell me that yes, this is the way it is, but that he'd rather it weren't, then I feel better at least knowing that I'm not alone in being disappointed. 

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  • image JMB22:
    I guess I'm the odd person out because yes, I would be mad/upset if my husband volunteered to leave for 3 weeks without talking to me about it.  Yes, the military is his job, BLAH BLAH BLAH, but I'm his wife, and I come first.  Family over career.  With that said, if he said "hey baby, I really want to help with the aid relief; what do you think?", then I would support him.  It's a good thing he's doing and it's not like he is going off to the war.  I would be disappointed, but I'd deal.  I'd ask the ultrasound technician to write the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope, so that my husband and I could find out together once he was home.

     

    You definetly have a rough rode ahead if this is the way you think.  The Military is #1 not you....if you were #1 your hubby would be there for every important moment in your life but guess what he probably won't be!  I would love to hear you tell that Family over career comment to his Commanding Officer!

    It's people like you that shouldn't marry people in the Military because you don't comprehend that you actually have to put yourself SECOND and your COUNTRY first!

  • image PhotoFan:

    image JMB22:
    I guess I'm the odd person out because yes, I would be mad/upset if my husband volunteered to leave for 3 weeks without talking to me about it.  Yes, the military is his job, BLAH BLAH BLAH, but I'm his wife, and I come first.  Family over career.  With that said, if he said "hey baby, I really want to help with the aid relief; what do you think?", then I would support him.  It's a good thing he's doing and it's not like he is going off to the war.  I would be disappointed, but I'd deal.  I'd ask the ultrasound technician to write the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope, so that my husband and I could find out together once he was home.

     

    You definetly have a rough rode ahead if this is the way you think.  The Military is #1 not you....if you were #1 your hubby would be there for every important moment in your life but guess what he probably won't be!  I would love to hear you tell that Family over career comment to his Commanding Officer!

    It's people like you that shouldn't marry people in the Military because you don't comprehend that you actually have to put yourself SECOND and your COUNTRY first!

     

    I disagree. Family definitely is more important than the mission, and any CO worth his salt will recognize that. The difference is that a CO is in a much better position to  weigh importance vs. urgency.

    I guarantee you that the birth of our first child is more important to my husband than his upcoming assignment to Afghanistan, but he won't be home. Why? Because this specific mission is more urgent than one single day in our child's life. If he was in a different job, maybe that mission wouldn't be as urgent, and he might get emergency leave. If there were different circumstances, i.e. a death in the family, that might qualify as more urgent.

    Trusting the judgment of the CO doesn't make me or my child any less important to my husband or to the command; it just ensures that my husband or any serviceman is in the place where they are most needed.

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  • mtestonmteston
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    My husband and I were married when he decided to join. While, at first I was not thrilled with the idea I stand behind my husband 100% in whatever decision he decides to make because I know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt our family. The only time he ever asks if it's okay to do something though is when I'm cooking supper and he wants to taste something, when he wants to play his xbox, and when he wants to hang out a little longer at our neighbors house to play beer pong. lol 

     

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  • if the military wanted the soldier to have a family, they wouldve issued one.

    just saying. 

  • Is it selfish? Yeah, a little. Is it okay? Of course. It's not unreasonable that you want your husband there. I wouldn't have a fit about it though, I'd just be a little sad.
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  • Could you possibly Skype during the ultrasound?!  That's what we did!  My hubby is deployed and so we set up a Skype date for it! :)) Worked out really well! Or like everyone else suggested, get them to write it down or just plan an elective scan for when he gets back!  Just be glad he will be there for the birth! :)
  • Ok, this is more than a little ridiculous.

    I've been in the military for almost 15 years and there's no way in hell I'd volunteer for a TDY, no matter  how short, without talking to my husband first. You better believe that I'd be pissed if he volunteered without talking to me.

    Country first Family second?? For real? Sounds good on paper, but if the military told your husband that he either needed to divorce you or get kicked out, what would you want him to do?

    With all that being said, I have had a baby on my own and am about to have another one.

    I was 7 months pregnant when my husband left for Iraq. He came home a week after our daughter turned a year old. I will be nearly 6 months pregnant when he leaves for his year long tour to Korea. So, yes...there are much bigger events he could miss, It's just part of being a military spouse.

    You have every right to be upset about whatever it is that you want to. Just know that most of the time we just have to go with the flow.

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  • I do think your reaction is a little extreme - though he should have discussed it with you first, I think it's good that he's going and that missing one U/S is not the worst - but I'm also on the "Family first" side. I'm the AD one and my family does come first *ultimately*, but the mission often has to come first in the short-term.  I'd leave the military for my family if that were the right decision to make for us, for instance, even though I do my deployments without complaint.

    Heck, if I always put the military above my family, I sure wouldn't be having a baby... ever! :)

  • Oh wow, and this thread is really old... sorry! I was just looking down the line for interesting posts and didn't realize this one had already died.

     Hope everything works out for you and that you aren't *too* disappointed anymore! :)

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