Depression/Divorce ~ Chicken/Egg

StrawberryAlarmClock

DH and I are trying counseling (preparing for the worst & hoping for the best). We just had our first session and we both tested as depressed. This did not surprise me. I was a happy happy woman before DH and I really started clashing lifestyle-wise (aka I grew up, he didn't). I'm putting my money on DH's self-hatred and addictions pulling me down and causing my depression. The counselor disagrees. He said, "many people think that divorce or a failing marriage causes depression but the fact is that depression is what causes divorce." What do you ladies think of that line?

achase123

this is VERY telling, strawberry, pay attention to it.

I think that being with the wrong person can cause depression.  I can say without one.single.shred of doubt, that I am much happier since I left SD.  I was unhappy for a very long time with him and didn't even know the extent of how much I'd lost myself until I was away from him.

AmandaJordan1985

achase123:

this is VERY telling, strawberry, pay attention to it.

I think that being with the wrong person can cause depression.  I can say without one.single.shred of doubt, that I am much happier since I left SD.  I was unhappy for a very long time with him and didn't even know the extent of how much I'd lost myself until I was away from him.

I have to agree with all of this.

I was in sort of a bad way before I met X and was starting to get to a happier place then after being with him for so long I literally fell apart. It took a very long time to get to where I am now, but I can honestly say if I were still with him i'd only be half of who I am today - and now I LOVE who I am.

Follow your gut.

 

cemacmil

I would get a second opinion. With me and MH he also suffered from addiction which caused a major amount of emotional abuse towards me. I learned this from my own counseling. I can only imagine you suffered some too. No H, no addiction, no emotional abuse = no depression....well I am not a counsler nor do I know you so I can't say that for sure but just my reasoning.

The irrevitible (sp) breakdown of a marriage, that is what causes divorce.

gns1988

also don't forget he is working for both of you so that maybe why he sead that you should go to counseling by yourself i think part of why you are depressed is because of him but remember you are the most impotent person next to your kids so you come first not the marriage or him

BostonGayGal

I think it is a pretty obvious and common sense statement.  Either one can lead to the other.  Changing one piece may or may not change the other. It doesn't mean it is the case with you, but have you spoken to friends or family about what they think?  They are in a better position to notice your changes in behavior/outlook that might suggest it is situational with your husband, a reaction to hard times, or whether you have tended toward depression in the past.

KatieGraceB

I think I'd get a second opinion as well. Is it fact that depression always causes divorce? No. It stands to reason that it sure CAN cause it, if the depression was present in the relationship from the get-go, but I'm going to say that based on your OP, this wasn't the case in your relationship.

What it sounds like to me is that maybe H has had some depression issues in the past, and this time around, because you were uncertain about the state of your relationship, you maybe got sucked into that state of mind. Has H had past mood problems that have been present throughout the relationship? 

I can say in my case, that my depression certainly was a contributing factor in the failure of my relationship. But I have had issues with depression for years, far before I even met X. 

Given that you seem confused and a little miffed by the counselor's statement, I'm going to suggest that maybe this particular counselor just isn't a good fit, and if it were me, I would find another one. Counseling probably won't do much good if you feel uncomfortable with the thinking of the person who is supposed to be guiding you. KWIM? How does H feel about the guy?

MrsSeli

I think maybe what she's getting at is that depression is a clinical condition.  So while a bad marriage can make you really miserable, frustrated, angry, etc. it doesn't actually MAKE you clinically depressed.  If you are prone to depression, it might exacerbate it or trigger it, but it's not going to create depression out of nothing.  However, if you are depressed, it's going to make all that miserable, frustrating, infuriating stuff even harder to take and make you less likely to want to work to fix things.  Hence depression causes divorces (I would rather say "leads to" because again it's just one factor in a much bigger picture).  And I would still say divorce leads to depression (as a trigger, not a direct cause), but I think maybe that's what she's getting at.  

dimake

I think at the time XH and I split, we both had depression issues - mine were exacerbated by the problems in our marriage (I still had PPD issues and some external issues, brother's death, etc.) and his were due to physical exhaustion with his work schedule (switching frequently between days and overnights), being away from the family often, and his dissatisfaction of where he was in his life.

He blamed the marriage for bringing him down, I didn't.  When he left, things were better for me because I wasn't as focused on the marriage, and I had started counseling for the other issues.  He just kept spiraling and spiraling.

StrawberryAlarmClock

Thanks so much guys. I do see the point about clinical depression. That makes sense. We're going to see this guy again as a couple in 2 weeks. I told him I respect his professional opinion but DH threw me under the bus and needs to come clean about his addictions so I'm dragging him back in. This time I'm hoping we can find a way to work on both because I don't see my depression improving unless/until DH goes into detox and that won't happen if he's not being seen. It's like a Catch-22 right now. Wish me luck!