Anyone dealing with a DH who is uncomfortable with ART?

blackbird01

After testing for what seems like forever, DH and I finally found out that the only thing working against us is PCOS. My RE is recommending Clomid and IUI and I'm totally fine with that. However, my DH is not comfortable with that level of intervention. He's fine with treating my PCOS with Metformin and such, but he feels like things should happen "naturally." I've tried reasoning with him, but he feels the way he feels. He's willing to do IUI once, but that's compromising as he'd rather not do it at all.

I guess I'm looking to see if any other ladies are dealing with this as well and how you're dealing with possibly stopping treatment before you're really ready to.

seymourthepony

My husband is clueless about medical stuff since he has never been sick in his life and so he leaves any decision to me he basically says get into baby making shape no matter what you have to do and everything is your decision as a woman because it is your body. Ask him perhaps how he thinks that you will naturally get pregnant if ovulation either doesn' t occur or only happens once a year? Also perhaps say that its your body and not his, that has to go through all the changes and medication so what is the big deal?

 

Also you could maybe do clomid without IUI.

mrsharris15

My DH was very hesitant at first, he also agreed to try one medicated iui, and that was it. To an extent he still is, we took a break cycle because he wanted too, and I agreed because I wanted him to feel like he had a say in everything we decide too. I think that alot of my DH's hesitation stemmed from two things: 1. our close friends had triplets with clomid 2.We did get pregnant on our own naturally before starting treatments, but it ended in m/c. So in DHs mind, we can do it on our own and we dont need any help.... Hopefully if you do one iui that is all that it takes, and if it doesn't maybe he will at least be more comfortable with the process and be willing to try it again. Afterall you are both after reaching the same goal!

baloneydisc

Our only problem is PCOS as well.  MH is only confortable with us doing meds & TI.  We've been TTC for 2-years & he has not changed his mind.  His feeling is that if we can't get pregnant with meds & TI that we should start pursuing adoption.  I'm on board with adoption, so as much as I would like to experience pregnancy I'm ok with it. 

Bonadori

Sounds like your husband is on the same boat as my husband.

 

My husband has slowly started to see that we will need some sort of intervention, possibly (though hopefully) more than just me taking some meds.  He still says we should try to keep things as natural as possible...

hunterjumper102

My DH is also not thrilled with the process.  I think his stems more from the fact he thinks it has something to do with him(even though we haven't been diagnosed with MFI).  Its a pride thing though regardless.  He feels like its his job to get me pregnant and has a hard time grasping the fact that we might not be able to do it naturally.  He, lucky for me, has left the decisions up to me since this journey has affected me alot emotionally and he cant stand me being upset.  His other problem is also the gambling part of IUI's and IVF.  He doesn't like giving someone alot of money sine we are OOP and we might get pregnant.  

I am sorry you are going through this, its hard for the guys because I don't think they realize exactly whats going on.  I would just reassure him that everything is going to work out one way or another and let him know how much his support means to you in this journey. 

ChicagoWeded2007

I think husbands generally accept the process more slowly than us.  I always tell my husband that he is six months behind me emotioinally.

Try asking him this... how long would you like to try naturally before you would feel comfortable with intervention.  Maybe he can give a deadline and you will be able to wait, knowing that you will eventually get to try the drugs.  And maybe by that time, he will realize that you need help.

 

jbeck78

Sorry you are going through this, I hope he comes around, but it affects everyone different. My DH has already said that he feels like a sperm donor and that he isn't even good at that, since we are mfi, and I hate that He would be okay with any procedure if there was a cost issue, that is our main problem, we will do iui and then see where we have to go from there, but ivf is definately out of our budget.

Good luck to you and your husband..

Mitzi Bishi

This sounds all too familiar to me, except I was the one that was resistant to the ART. In some ways I really still feel resistant, but I'm trying to come to terms with realizing this may be the only way I'll give birth. 

My view point, and again this is just for myself... I think everyone has to come to their own answer on what they are comfortable with, I'm not against ART, but I do feel hesitation on a variety of levels. 

It's difficult to admit we have an issue and I don't want to force nature or have a child with issues due to my insistence on making it happen. On the flip side I like to feel as if I am being proactive and regaining some control in the situation. It's nice to make things happen after so much waiting, trying, and disappointment. There is no right answer. Shelling out loads of money for IVF or other procedures feels like an expensive lottery ticket, but hopefully that's not in your future. 

The other reason I've begun to come around is because we're dealing with MFI and seeing my husband so down and out is incredibly difficult. Hearing him talk about wanting to make a baby and wanting a child kills me. To be completely honest he's been ready for a baby longer than I have.   

I'm open to adoption, but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy. In fact I'm still very interested in midwifery. 

I also agree that it's good to set a time line and then leading up to it consider what alternatives there would be. My DH has been very slow coming to terms with things, although he's dealing with a very difficult diagnosis. Your DH is probably having trouble not feeling included and the romantic notions of it not being how it's 'supposed to happen'. 

Does your DH suggest other alternatives? Perhaps it would make him feel more comfortable to go home after the IUI and have sex so you don't know how you got pregnant. 

Hopefully one IUI is all you need and you can come to a common ground. Sorry that this is so draining. I know the feeling all too well.  

ondjima

DH is extremely hesitant about IVF. He is struggling with the idea of whether it is morally right to do or not. (The big question is about when life really begins, when the sperm and egg meet or at implantation, we have had LOOOOOOONG discussion on it.)

That is part of why we are so slow on getting treatments done. He is all for IUI though, but I am hesitant on that specific procedure. WIth my conditions we only have a 9% chance of IUI working, but about 35% with IVF. IUI here is $1500 and IVF is $5000. 

I agree with Chicago about a timeline! Good luck and hopefully you don't need any of the IF treatments ever!!

blackbird01

Thanks for all the responses, ladies. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has a partner with different views of infertility treatments. DH has agreed to try an IUI with Clomid cycle in June. Hopefully that will be all that it takes, but we're looking at continuing to TTC through the summer and then probably being done. Neither of us are comfortable with IVF and we do already have a child, so we both feel like there needs to be some sort of end in sight here, one way or another so we can focus on our family as it is. My RE doesn't recommend doing Clomid without an IUI, so I didn't broach the topic of Clomid with TI with DH, but I have a feeling he would be more OK with that. So if the first IUI doesn't work, maybe I'll bring that up with DH and then force the issue with my RE.

Mrs.Slick

Honestly it was me that was hesitant at first. I was too stubborn to admit that we couldn't make a baby on our own. However I came around quickly. Our families on the other hand are mostly against it, which is why we've left them mostly in the dark. 

blackbird01

Mrs.Slick:

Honestly it was me that was hesitant at first. I was too stubborn to admit that we couldn't make a baby on our own. However I came around quickly. Our families on the other hand are mostly against it, which is why we've left them mostly in the dark. 

I'm sorry your family isn't supportive of what you're going through. Although I've had mixed reactions from the few friends I've told, my mom and cousin have been great, always remembering to ask how my appointments have gone, etc. I don't think it's fair to judge anyone's choices when it comes to infertility.