Blended Families

Looking for some advice....

Hi ladies-

I have done a lot of lurking here and have gotten some advice.  I am looking for some more.  DH and I have been dealing with BM for a while now. Last Jan they were in court and had a CO finalized.  She has been good about a lot, but has attempted to have DH pay her for 1/2 of medical bills for SD that have actually never been paid.  DH has gone to the Dr, dentist, and eye dr and have spoken to the billing dept and told them he would be in to pay his half directly to them after every appt.  2 months ago BM was yelling saying DH owes her  $110 for a dentist appt that she had already paid.  He asked her for a copy of the bill and then he would pay her.  After some investigation it turned out that DH had already paid his half and the 110 was what she owed them and turned out she had bounced that check.  We got a collection notice because all SD medical stuff is in his name.  So rather than the headache of dealing with BM we paid it and just kept all the records just in case. 

Last week we got a notice sent home from school saying that SD could no longer recieve hot lunches at school because she had a -$20 balance at the caf and a number of noticed had been sent to her mother's address and nothing was done. 

Today DH got a message from BM asking if he was picking SD up from school or were her parents.  He thought for a second that something was up because since September SD has gone to this after school program 3 days a week.  He was heading to the school to get her and hit traffic so he called school to send her to the afterschool program so she wasnt waiting for him alone.  The school had said she was no longer enrolled in the afterschool program and he would have to call them.  So he called them.  He found out that SD was kicked out of the program because BM owed over 3 months.  It is in the CO that DH does not pay for the afterschool program because it was calculated into the support.  And in the CO it stated that in Sept 2010 BM was to get a full time/part time job where she could work mothers hours.  However she has kept he waitressing job where she works some day and mostly nights ( not knocking the waitressing...i have been doing it for 8 yrs but I only work on Sunday when DH is home)

 DH called me so pissed off.  I feel embarassed for him, but luckly everyone at the program understands the situation.  I guess I am wondering if we had enough proof to go back to court for full custody.  TIA for all and any advice!

Re: Looking for some advice....

  • From what I have seen some states or some judges are different than others in relation to custody. I think that there are grounds for modifying the CO in regards to the bills to "hope" she will pay them. However, I do not know that money is a sole reason a judge would make a change in the CO in regards to parenting time. If you can demonstrate that BM is not providing the care necessary for SD that would potentially help the custody to change. What are your other concerns for you SD?

    The BM recently produced significant medical bills in court stating that my SO needed to pay them. Well, she is on state health insurance for herself and the children as well as being unemployed plus other items. SO brought it to the judge's attention about the state health insurance and she does not have to pay that much in bills but rather a small co-pay if any. Judge was not happy about that!

    Not sure if I made sense or not. LOL

    Emma joined her Daddy in Heaven on November 2, 2008. "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe
  • Generally speaking, someone who is financially irresponsible and a general pain in the butt doesn't lose custody of their kid. 

    Unfortunately, while divorce severs a lot of ties, in some ways, you're financially tied to your ex-spouse until the kids reach the age of majority. And I understand your frustration--my XH, either out of spite or just plain laziness, destroyed my credit after we split up. I moved out of the home, and the bills were still in my name. He said he was paying them, and he wasn't. I didn't find out until I got collections notices, and my credit was already trashed. Now I pay for a monthly credit monitoring service.

    If anything she's doing directly violates your CO, then your H needs to file contempt charges. If your CO does not specifically hold each of them responsible for each thing, then you might want to modify it.

    I'm sorry. I know how much it sucks to deal with someone who makes terrible financial decisions and is irresponsible. 

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  • We are in a similar position.  BM doesn't pay for anything, even though she's supposed to pay 1/2 of all SDs expenses.

    We're going to have to go back to court.  It probably wouldn't be grounds for full custody, but the judge may reconsider child support.  Maybe she could be held responisble for paying your H child support to help cover the bills.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • This has been a similar argument in our home this weekend. My SO's ex is demanding that he come to their old house and do repairs as well as clean the pool. We found out today that the pool is basically nasty nasty green as well as one toilet in the home does not work at all. He asked her what was going on and she said that the toilet is the one for the kids and it is his responsibility to make sure they have what they need...so fix it. She said that the pool is green because she does not want to swim but the kids do so it is his responsibility to clean it. I am pretty sure my head came off and spun around. I was totally floored. So, he is not talking to me right now because he went and bought the pool chemicals for her. I have not said anything. He knows that I do not mind him taking care of his children but there is a line where she needs to take some responsibility for the household.
    Emma joined her Daddy in Heaven on November 2, 2008. "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe
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