Grieving the Loss of a Biological Child

ngokli

Hi Ladies,

I thought that I had accepted that DH and I would not be able to have biological children and have been optimistic about adoption. The past couple of days, I've been sad about this loss of having a biological child. I know that infertility never goes away but is it normal to grieve every now and then? Do you ever grieve?

MamaB2009

It's normal and yes, I do.

I don't necessarily grieve the biological connection, but I grieve not being able to be pregnant and give birth and know what my body was designed to do.  It doesn't matter whether the baby is biologically connected to me or not, I just want to experience and grieve not getting to experience that.

MamaB2009

Yeah, totally agree with Fred re: control.  That's even worse for me in some ways.  There is nothing like wanting to add to your family and knowing it's not as simple as deciding you want to get pregnant again, by whatever means.  It sucks to know you're going to have to go through homestudy all over again, and then wait and wait and wait some more.

LittleYellowBirds

I agree with everything that has been said. You girls take the words right out of my mouth.

 

meganroselee

fredalina:

MamaB2009:

It's normal and yes, I do.

I don't necessarily grieve the biological connection, but I grieve not being able to be pregnant and give birth and know what my body was designed to do.  It doesn't matter whether the baby is biologically connected to me or not, I just want to experience and grieve not getting to experience that.

This. 

Also, i feel sad about the loss of "control".  Regular people decide to have a baby, stop birth control, get pregnant, and have a baby all in about a year's time.  It's much more complicated for us to have a baby.  i'd love to be pregnant for the experience, and i'd love to make things "normal" for LO, too, and spare her the possible sadness she may feel over her origins, and i'd like things to be "easy".  My DNA is unimportant, however. 

I agree with all the above. Although I've had two failed matches, no children from any source yet, the thing that saddens me the most when I get down about being childless is the lack of control. I don't know that this will ever leave me...

hway24

I totally agree with everything the PPs said. I love that we're adopting and am excited. Like others said the hardest things for me to except are not experienceing pregnancy and giving birth and having no control over when we have a child. I think that last one is the hardest, I always wanted 4 kids, I know that I'll never be able to have that now. (unless we win the lottery) And that's very hard to except. I keep hoping that these feelings will go away once we have our baby, but I don't think they will completely.

ItsmeTW

I really needed to read this tonight.  I've been pregnant but lost both babies around 23 weeks.  Knowing that my body failed us, twice, is incredibly difficult.  Knowing that there is a "fix" to my problem isn't guarantee enough to risk the life of another baby. 

 We will always have a void for our babies.  But we hope that when we're nice and old we can look back on our lives and see all of the other children we have helped, and the void of not having our babies with us won't seem as... huge. 

HannaB

MamaB2009:

Yeah, totally agree with Fred re: control.  That's even worse for me in some ways.  There is nothing like wanting to add to your family and knowing it's not as simple as deciding you want to get pregnant again, by whatever means.  It sucks to know you're going to have to go through homestudy all over again, and then wait and wait and wait some more.

This.

It's also just all the little things that never go away. I lurk/post on some of the baby age boards, and they often have posts like "use one word to describe TTC, 1st Tri, giving birth etc.," and even though 99% of the time I feel like I belong there, posts like that remind me that our story is Different. (Not better or worse, but different.)

I've also been having some IF feelings dredged up seeing so many moms start talking about expanding their families. Future children for us is a big old question mark.

jani7

I'm glad this is posted and being discussed on here.  We've been matched and are due in July and are ecstatic about it!  But as I've been shopping for baby things I realize sometimes I still get awkard and jealous around women with their pregnant bellies.  I know right now I'm super anxious because we have no control if this adoption is going to go through and it's just really nerve racking - so I too am sad about the loss of control.  I just hope that in the future these IF feelings will go away.  Do they ever go away?

AuburnBride06

Ditto what everyone else said. It's not the bio connection but I do still grieve the pregnancy experience part of it. It has a lot to do with the control aspect of it as well. I had 6 m/cs (two of them were multiples--twins & triplets) and pregnancy for me holds zero hope. It's just a nightmare and I have zero desire to attempt again. However, I hate the guilt factor. Sometimes I have days where I really want to know what the crap is wrong with me, just to have an answer, and consider going back to our specialist. However, it's not bc I want to get pregnant. Just more of me wanting to beat whatever is wrong with me.

I'm not near as bitter or jealous as I used to be. Why should I be? I have the most amazing son I could have ever imagined. I honestly do not believe that DH and I could have made anyone near as cool.   And our story is SO special, SO amazing, that to me, it is this incredible miracle that could never pale in comparison to a pregnancy. Pregnancies happen every day. allll the time. Does it royally suck what we went through? Yea, but now I wouldn't change it. But what we have experienced w/ our adoption...that does not happen every day. I feel so lucky, so blessed, that I worry that there is no way we could ever have this again.

But there are a few people now who I still don't look forward to a pg announcement for. I won't be mean about it or anything like I used to be. It's more of a "figures" and eye roll type thing. I don't think that the IF feelings will ever completely go away. They formed the people we became during the sturggle (at least for me).  But as time goes on, I have actually been able to look at these feelings I have a lot differently and learn from them. To be a better person and momma, or at least try to be. Whereas before, I used them as a way to hurt myself and everyone else.

ngokli

Thank you all for your feedback. What everyone has posted has summed up the way I'm feeling. When I'm posting on this board and go to my support group, I feel 'normal' for a little bit. It's nice to be able to connect to people who know what I'm going through. Thank you!!!

Cissi64

I've been unfortunate enough to have experienced  IF and miscarriage.  I have also been fortunate enough to experience adoption and one successful preagnacy.  The feeling of grief for me went a way with the birth of my bio daughter and resurfaced after my losses.  I regret that I can't give my children another sibling and my DH another child....yeah we can adopt but  that is a serious sore spot with DH and I right now.  I really want to adopt again, he keeps waffling and is worried about retiring.

Like PP have said, the bilogical connection isn't so important.  What made pregnancy "easier" for me was three things:

1.  I know my genetics.  I knew what I was putting in my body so I didn't have to worry about the baby having poor nutrition or being exposed to harmful substances.  I'm not perfect but my bio DD started out with a distinct health advantage over my adopted DC. 

 2. I didn't have to worry about jumping through hoops to convince someone I was fit.  Even though tthe homestudy is never as bad as you think it is going to be, it still makes you feel a little insecure and like you have to prove yourself.

3.  I didn't have to worry about anyone coming to take bio DD away...ever.  This was a bigger fear for us because of adopting from foster care but every adoptive parent has to worry, at least until finalization, that the BPs will change their mind or, in the case of foster care, a relative will come out to of the woodwork or a CW will decide someone else is a better adoptive fit.

starbuck71

Like others, I mostly grieved not being able to experience pregnancy.  Since getting my son, though, I really don't feel it (although it's only been a few months, so maybe it will resurface).  I do get frustrated that I have to worry about things like the birth father (rights have not yet been terminated) and the fact that I am not legally his mother for a whole year.  But, provided there are no issues with our adoption, I could not be happier. I would not trade my son for 5 biologically connected babies and I could not possibly love him more.  And, as another person mentioned, our story is very special.

thirdrailmiche

hway24:

I totally agree with everything the PPs said. I love that we're adopting and am excited. Like others said the hardest things for me to except are not experienceing pregnancy and giving birth and having no control over when we have a child. I think that last one is the hardest, I always wanted 4 kids, I know that I'll never be able to have that now. (unless we win the lottery) And that's very hard to except. I keep hoping that these feelings will go away once we have our baby, but I don't think they will completely.

I also wanted 4 children.  Between our ages and our financial resources (or lack thereof)  we will be lucky if we get to parent one child.  Right now, I am grieving never being pregnant (not for DNA purposes), loss of control b/c everything is in other peoples hands (I just got off the phone with an agency I was interviewing and am totally freaking out about the possibility that we go through the process and the BM changes her mind after delivery - we could not afford to try another adoption), and finally that should we be lucky enough to adopt a child they may grow up sad and mourning the loss of their birth family.   (Sorry, to be more of a downer.  I'm having a rough day)