Honest opinions wanted (long)

aurora1974

Hi ladies.  I would really like all of your honest opinions on something.  I really feel like I don't belong on any of these boards all of a sudden.  It has to do with something DH said to me on Friday.  He is very open about our struggle with people at work and they ask periodically how I'm doing.  Well, I was not doing well last week and apparently someone said to him on Friday that they're sorry we're having problems, but we should just be happy with the children we have. (The person who said this has not had any problems conceiving their 3 children). 

Little bit of background for those that don't know or don't remember as I don't talk about them on here much.  DH had his DD when he was 18.  I had my DD when I was 20. So we were obviously very young.  My daughter's father bailed so I've raised her myself and it's been the single best thing about my life, until I met DH 5 years ago.  DH divorced his DD's mom (who is a total b**ch) 17 years ago and she moved his DD around the country and made it really hard for any kind of relationship to be established.  He's always been there for her and has done anything she wanted, but she treats him like complete and total crap when she acknowledges him, but mostly she just ignores him so it's almost like he doesn't really have a child.

I have always wanted another child.  I love being a mom.  And I really want to have a child with DH.  I know he's a wonderful father (my daughter adores him) and we really want to expand our family. 

So, after all that, here's my question to you all.  Do you think that because I have a child,  I have no right to be upset that we m/c last year and have been unable to get pg since? 

Don't get me wrong, I know how absolutely blessed I am to have DD.  She's absolutely wonderful, even in her 16 year old drama moments. But does that mean that I shouldn't want another one and that I should be perfectly ok with the fact that it's not happening?? 

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any opinions that you'd care to post.  I truly want to know what others who are struggling feel about this. 

rach2100

:::coming in from lurking...and a previous active poster on this board:::

I think you have every right to be upset concerning your m/c...whether you already have a child or not...it is a loss.  You have the right to grieve that loss however you so choose.

Sending {{HUGE HUGS}}

:::just my .02 cents.....back to lurking:::

lhcooper

I think you have every right to want a child with your DH, irrespective of whatever happened in your life before, and no matter how many children you already have! Plus, I remember being a 16-year-old girl.  If I'd been my mother, I would have wanted a baby to make up for it all....

You absolutely belong on this board or any other you want to be on.

Mrs.McIrish

Of course you can be upset about your m/c and not being able to get PG again. You are entitled to your feelings and no one has to agree with them.

I can understand you wanting to have a child with DH. You were young and single and a child now could be an entirely different experience for you.

I will be honest by admitting that I can't always comment on some ladies posts when they have children or several other kids and are trying to have another one.  It's not that I begrudge them a child but their quest is not the same as mine. I just chose not to comment on their posts if I cannot relate because they are trying naturally and I am knee deep in crap at this point.  This board is for any woman over 35 (or there-about) and everyone is not going to be in the same situation as me (ie childless).  That is why I also lurk and post on IF because it gives me something that this board can't always do.

 Anyway, I hope this helps a little. 

HauntGirl23

You have every right to want a child with your husband and you have every right to be sad about your problems TTC.  No one in the world knows what it's like to be in your shoes except you.  Others may have similar situations or issues, but its still not the same as what you are experiencing.  So, all those other people can either choose to support you or take a hike because you don't need all of that added stress.

Best of luck to you in your continued efforts to conceive!

Country Girl in the City

In my opinion, if you and DH want a child then that is all that matters.  You have every right to mourn your loss.  You and your husband sound like wonderful parents and that is what matters, not what others think.  I have had many people hurt my feelings when they give their "advice" on why I should be happy that I am childless.  I don't think they are being mean on purpose but it still hurts.

persephonerose

I think sometimes people want to offer comfort but have NO clue how to do that so they say some offhanded comment that they thing will be a comfort. I am so sick of hearing "If its god's will" or other such things like if its meant to be. I dont know why people say things that sound like you are being offered a consolation prize. I know they all mean well, but really the whole situation for those with fertility issues sucks and they cannot know how painful it is. And because they cannot know, I forgive them for being dumb and saying dumb things. You can only do what you feel is best and know that we will be here to support you anyway we can.

danish16

You have every right to be upset.  A loss (and the loss of a dream) is still a loss.  Sometimes, people just don't think before they speak...  And in my opinion, you totally still belong on this board!

*Chicken*

Why a sh*tty thing for that person to say!! I really hate when people gives opinions on things they know nothing about and, at the same time, are incapable of any type of compassion.

You have every right to be upset about your M/c I don't care if it would have been your first or 15th kid....Its a loss, for goodness sake. You also have a right to vent/whine/*** about anything TTC, again, I don't care if its your first or 15th kid; its still an emotional roller coaster.

boymamaco

Take this with a grain of salt b/c I just had my m/c last month, but I think that is absolute crap that your DH's coworker would say that. It's none of their business. I will give them the benefit of the doubt -  they were probably trying to be comforting and didn't really know what to say. That's the problem with IF - people don't know how to talk about it and it becomes taboo.

I remember asking my mom to have another child when I was around 12 or 13 years old. I always wanted a sister.

I think its up to you and your DH to do whatever you feel is right for your relationship. We all have ups and downs during this journey, and its noone elses business to say what we should/shouldn't do.

By the way, you absolutely belong here! I "know" you as so many others on here. We are all at different phases of the journey and not one single situation looks the same as anyone elses. I hope you feel comfortable to post here more!

Llamamama

I am so sorry that was said.  It's amazing how one little sentence can make you start to second guess your whole life!  Of course you should be upset!  You do belong on this board and a loss is a loss it no matter how many kids you already have.  Mourning is a natural reaction and anyone that tells you not to just does not understand what you are going thru.  Big hugs to you.  Why wouldn't you want to have a baby with dh?  So what if he already has a child and you already have a child, there are no rules as to how many kids one is allowed to have.. in fact if you wanted to have your 8th baby I would never tell you that you should not.  It is YOUR choice.   

I have been TTC for 20 months.  I also have other children.  I would hope that no one would judge me for wanting another.  Infertility hurts no matter where you are in your quest to add to your family.  Good luck to you!

aurora1974

Thank you all so much for all your kind words and honesty.  I truly appreciate it.

shyntrue

Everyone else pretty much said what I would have said.   So,just  <<<Hugs>>> from me to you.

MelleTX

You have every right to feel upset and seek out comfort and avdvice any place you feel comfortable. We hope you stay here with us, but if you feel like you are out of place, why not check out the TTC After a Loss or the Secondary IF boards too.

Banana44

I have a DD and I feel completely blessed to have her - as a matter of fact, some days she is the only thing that can bring a smile to my face.

However, having her does not diminish the feelings I have from my m/cs.  And since I dreamed of having a life with 2 children - giving her a sibling - not being able to carry a pregnancy this past year has caused me grief, depression, and overall sadness. 

I do feel blessed to have her and like I said, lately - she makes me smile when I'm having a real bad day - but that doesn't mean that my infertility should hurt any less.  My body isn't working - my body is doing what I want it to - I desperately want 1 more little bambino - so yes, I hurt and you shoudl hurt too!

Tell your DH's co-worker to shove it!

mtlaurel

Mrs.McIrish:

I will be honest by admitting that I can't always comment on some ladies posts when they have children or several other kids and are trying to have another one.  It's not that I begrudge them a child but their quest is not the same as mine. I just chose not to comment on their posts if I cannot relate because they are trying naturally and I am knee deep in crap at this point.  This board is for any woman over 35 (or there-about) and everyone is not going to be in the same situation as me (ie childless).  That is why I also lurk and post on IF because it gives me something that this board can't always do.

 

This exactly.You have every right to be hurt by such an insensitive comment. You belong on this board if you feel comfortable posting here.

I like this board because I feel I have things in common with the women on it due to age issues. I also like TTTC and Infertility because I have things in common with the women, both younger and older, on those boards due to all the troubles we're having.

Don't let the stupid things people say second guess your gut and heart!

lindaeverly

I am going to put my two cents in, for whatever it's worth.    Nobody has the right to make you feel guilty for wanting another child or for mourning your loss.  As long as you & DH are on the same page, do what you know will make you happy. We will all be here to support you & give you a ear to listen to & a shoulder to cry on if you need it!