Blended Families

Just curious...

how much time does BM spend with your husbands/ boyfriends/ fiances family?
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Re: Just curious...

  • More than I am comfortable with but she does hair in the small town where FHs family still lives so they go to her still for that. 

    I don't care for it but they don't have a lot of options and it's good for FSD to see that they get along I just wish it stayed there.  My issue is his family feeling the need to update us on her life with her new hubby and what not whenever we see them.  I am sure I'll get used to it eventually but I just don't care for it, nor does FH. They're not married anymore, haven't been for  along time, won't ever be again, she is remarried and we are engaged so why share???  Oh well...such is life..

  • None what so ever.  She is on notice that the police will be called if she steps foot on our property or my IL's property.  It's an extreme case with her bc she is a drug addict and has stolen from all of us (money, prescription meds, dvd's, you name it basically).  Her mother brings over SD and she only is there long enough for the exchange and goes on her way as well.
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  • I was just curious because I feel that BM still thinks she's part of the family. She showed up yesterday at DH's family easter get together, DH has let his mom and siblings know numerous time that he does not want to spend time with her, he divorced her for a reason and she doesn't need to be invited to family functions. I feel really bad for DH because he's getting to the point that he doesn't wantt o go to his moms house because he knows someone there will invite BM over. DH and BM have been divorced for 4 years now but she still tells his mom (who then tells me) how much BM wants to get back together with DH. So this is weird to me that she would want to be around us and see us together, and I'm obvioulsy pregnant by this stage. I just don't get it!
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  • I see my XBIL, his GF, and their DD (I still call her my niece, even if it was only by marriage - we were together for over ten years and XBIL lived with us almost half of that) more often than XH does.  It usually ends up being a playdate or cookout every few months or so.  They're invited to my kids' birthday parties (along with XMIL, unfortunately), and I go to DN's.

    I can't imagine it will be all that offensive if/when XH becomes involved in a relationship again, since they don't have much to do with each other.

    Editing to add, after seeing the additional info you posted...

    I would NOT attend their "family" gatherings, other than DN's birthday party, because I don't want to see my XMIL.  I would also be pretty upset if someone in my family invited MY XH somewhere without clearing it with me first.

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  • image JenJune3:
    I was just curious because I feel that BM still thinks she's part of the family. She showed up yesterday at DH's family easter get together, DH has let his mom and siblings know numerous time that he does not want to spend time with her, he divorced her for a reason and she doesn't need to be invited to family functions. I feel really bad for DH because he's getting to the point that he doesn't wantt o go to his moms house because he knows someone there will invite BM over. DH and BM have been divorced for 4 years now but she still tells his mom (who then tells me) how much BM wants to get back together with DH. So this is weird to me that she would want to be around us and see us together, and I'm obvioulsy pregnant by this stage. I just don't get it!

    That is really disrespectful of his family IMO.  Especially since they know it makes DH and yourself uncomfortable.  If I were you and DH I would tell MIL flat out that if his ex is going to continue to be included regardless of your feelings, that you will come over at a later time.  It's not fair to you being pregnant that his mother is telling you how another woman wants your H and to make matters worse MIL seems to be in support of it!

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  • BM spends no time with DH fam. They all have a mutual dislike of eachother. She never liked his mother, and to this day MIL gets a disgusted look on her face whenever BM comes up in conversation. They were never friends, in fact, faught a lot. HOWEVER, DH and I spend good quality time with HER parents. Which seems odd, but DH is very close with all of them. They have been very gracious in welcoming me 'into the family' and her mother is a very good friend of mine. I'm sure it makes BM not happy, and I can see from her perspective, but her mother is a great woman, and invites us to family functions. her parents treat my DD just like they treat SS. They get her presents and are always asking to take her for a couple hours here and there and tell H and I to go out to a movie or dinner so they can spend time with her. They ask for her days we don't have SS, and days we do have SS. They are truly great people.

    Every situation is different. Now that you explained yours, I think if BM was close with his family and 'part of the family' while they were married, I think it's not fair to ask for her to be shunned because they are not married any longer. She is those children's mother. BUT I do see your point, especially if she is telling everyone she wants back with your H. That would make me upset. I think perhaps maybe you guys could come to a compromise? Ask MIL (and by ask, I mean your DH should talk to MIL) to politely tell BM to please keep to herself that she wants your H, as he has moved on with his life, and encourage her to do the same. It sounds like a sticky situation. :-S I don't have too much advice. Sorry :-(

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  • What gets DH mad about the entire situation is that BM didn't like his family while they were married, she didn't go to his family gatherings, talked crap on his sisters, his sisters talked crap on her, and now that they aren't together anymore she is all of a sudden best friends with everyone. Obviously his sisters are just as much drama as she is! When they first got divorced she accused DH's brother of molesting their daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took her to the hospital for a rape kit! I don't understand how you can go from accusing someone of something so terrible to wanting to be at all the holidays!

    DH asks his mom every time if they are going to invite her over, they always say no. This is not the first time they have lied to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to just stops going.

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  • image JenJune3:
    I was just curious because I feel that BM still thinks she's part of the family. She showed up yesterday at DH's family easter get together, DH has let his mom and siblings know numerous time that he does not want to spend time with her, he divorced her for a reason and she doesn't need to be invited to family functions. I feel really bad for DH because he's getting to the point that he doesn't wantt o go to his moms house because he knows someone there will invite BM over. DH and BM have been divorced for 4 years now but she still tells his mom (who then tells me) how much BM wants to get back together with DH.

    Sounds like your IL's still think of BM as part of the family. Your DH needs to make his feelings a little clearer. Saying "I don't want to spend time with BM" is NOT the same as saying "Jen, LO's and I will no longer be attending family functions to which BM is also invited." This may mean your DH stops visiting his family for a while (I presume you all live in the same town or close by?) or you leave if BM "just shows up".

    And WTF with MIL?? Sorry, even if BM IS telling MIL this stuff, MIL certainly shouldn't be telling you. Unless she responded "that aint ever gonna happen so you may as well get over that fantasy right now", I think your MIL is sending the message she supports BM's attempts to get your DH back... or you MIL is a gossipy, pot-stirring drama queen. Regardless, DH needs to have a chat with his mom on that one.

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  • image KarynH72:

    image JenJune3:
    I was just curious because I feel that BM still thinks she's part of the family. She showed up yesterday at DH's family easter get together, DH has let his mom and siblings know numerous time that he does not want to spend time with her, he divorced her for a reason and she doesn't need to be invited to family functions. I feel really bad for DH because he's getting to the point that he doesn't wantt o go to his moms house because he knows someone there will invite BM over. DH and BM have been divorced for 4 years now but she still tells his mom (who then tells me) how much BM wants to get back together with DH.

    Sounds like your IL's still think of BM as part of the family. Your DH needs to make his feelings a little clearer. Saying "I don't want to spend time with BM" is NOT the same as saying "Jen, LO's and I will no longer be attending family functions to which BM is also invited." This may mean your DH stops visiting his family for a while (I presume you all live in the same town or close by?) or you leave if BM "just shows up".

    And WTF with MIL?? Sorry, even if BM IS telling MIL this stuff, MIL certainly shouldn't be telling you. Unless she responded "that aint ever gonna happen so you may as well get over that fantasy right now", I think your MIL is sending the message she supports BM's attempts to get your DH back... or you MIL is a gossipy, pot-stirring drama queen. Regardless, DH needs to have a chat with his mom on that one.

    I agree with everything you are saying and I'm pretty sure after yesterdays fiasco that that's exactly what DH will be doing. He's so tired of dealing with this! I understand if they are still close with BM but have some respect for your son!

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  • image JenJune3:
     

     When they first got divorced she accused DH's brother of molesting their daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took her to the hospital for a rape kit! I don't understand how you can go from accusing someone of something so terrible to wanting to be at all the holidays!

    Indifferent

    I don't understand how anyone would want to invite someone who accused a family member of something so terrible to all the holidays! Presuming the molestations claims were false or "dropped" in some way?

    What does DH's bro think of BM's presence at these gatherings?

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  • image KarynH72:

    image JenJune3:
     

     When they first got divorced she accused DH's brother of molesting their daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took her to the hospital for a rape kit! I don't understand how you can go from accusing someone of something so terrible to wanting to be at all the holidays!

    Indifferent

    I don't understand how anyone would want to invite someone who accused a family member of something so terrible to all the holidays! Presuming the molestations claims were false or "dropped" in some way?

    What does DH's bro think of BM's presence at these gatherings?

    She took her to the hospital and said that SD was "bleeding profusely" and that is must have been DH's brother because he was the only male she was around that day. They did the rape kit on her and found nothing, so the police didn't do anything further with it since the rape kit came back negative. It seems to be like they are all just forgotten about this, but that's something IMO that I would NEVER forget or forgive! You just don't accuse someone of that! I wasn't with DH at the time, so this is all just information I have heard from MIL and DH, so I'm not sure if anyone ever told BIL that he was accused of this since the rape kit came back negative, but he still watches my SKs whenever BM asks him to, so I think that shows how BSC BM can be! She accuses him of something so terrible yet still allows him to watch her! Like I said, I wasn't with DH at the time that this happened, but even I don't forgive her for putting SD through that!

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  • None at all.  When her mother passed away and she started spending holidays alone (has a brother who lives 2 1/2 hours away and an aunt who is nearby but doesn't see much), my MIL made it clear she was welcome for holidays, etc.  She stuck her nose up at the family and has never shown up.  She wants nothing to do with anyone in the family.
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  • It's actually the other way around. We have lunch with BM's parents a couple times a month, and her mom calls herself DS's grandma.
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  • None! Although she would probably want to so that she could try to control one more aspect of his life...
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  • image KarynH72:

    image JenJune3:
    I was just curious because I feel that BM still thinks she's part of the family. She showed up yesterday at DH's family easter get together, DH has let his mom and siblings know numerous time that he does not want to spend time with her, he divorced her for a reason and she doesn't need to be invited to family functions. I feel really bad for DH because he's getting to the point that he doesn't wantt o go to his moms house because he knows someone there will invite BM over. DH and BM have been divorced for 4 years now but she still tells his mom (who then tells me) how much BM wants to get back together with DH.

    Sounds like your IL's still think of BM as part of the family. Your DH needs to make his feelings a little clearer. Saying "I don't want to spend time with BM" is NOT the same as saying "Jen, LO's and I will no longer be attending family functions to which BM is also invited." This may mean your DH stops visiting his family for a while (I presume you all live in the same town or close by?) or you leave if BM "just shows up".

    And WTF with MIL?? Sorry, even if BM IS telling MIL this stuff, MIL certainly shouldn't be telling you. Unless she responded "that aint ever gonna happen so you may as well get over that fantasy right now", I think your MIL is sending the message she supports BM's attempts to get your DH back... or you MIL is a gossipy, pot-stirring drama queen. Regardless, DH needs to have a chat with his mom on that one.

    This happened with us and we actually spent about a year not speaking with his family.  We are now two years into talking again, but it's been a shakey road rebuilding the relationship.

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  • No time- they have never even met and we are keeping it that way! With an ugly custody battle you can never be too careful and BM would use anything she could against us in court. DH's family does not really understand why they can't have SS at his cousin's bday parties when we aren't there to take him. We want to avoid the drama you are describing!

    On the flip side, my Mom and Stepdad are invited to every family event with my Dad's side of the family. My Dad lives out of the country so he's rarely there and my Mom lives near his family. She would go when we were young because we couldn't drive ourselves and now she has been a part of their family for 35 years. I think it is ideal for the kids when all parents and families can get along, but I don't think it is ok in your situation and if you or DH are uncomfortable with it, his family needs to back you up.

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  • Absolutely none... She has only met them once.




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  • image JenJune3:

    What gets DH mad about the entire situation is that BM didn't like his family while they were married, she didn't go to his family gatherings, talked crap on his sisters, his sisters talked crap on her, and now that they aren't together anymore she is all of a sudden best friends with everyone. Obviously his sisters are just as much drama as she is! When they first got divorced she accused DH's brother of molesting their daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took her to the hospital for a rape kit! I don't understand how you can go from accusing someone of something so terrible to wanting to be at all the holidays!

    DH asks his mom every time if they are going to invite her over, they always say no. This is not the first time they have lied to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to just stops going.

    This. We used to have the same situation. The entire time H was married to BM (11 years), BM was known in H's family for causing drama and throwing fits. H's family is very conservative Christian and don't believe in divorce, so the moment H asked BM for a divorce, BM became the victim in their eyes. And it didn't hurt that she manipulated them to make sure they stayed on her side.

    BM went to H's family functions for at least a year after the divorce, and I had a rocky relationship with the ILs for about 2 1/2 years. Luckily, they gradually started to open their eyes to the kind of person she is, and what H had been putting up with for 11 years. BM treats SD like a pawn in her big game of manipulation, and the ILs finally accepted that she's in the wrong. 

    Hopefully your ILs will wake up soon, as well. I'm shocked that BM actually says she wants your DH back, and even MORESO that your MIL turns around and TELLS you. So disrespectful. Sounds like you guys need to stand up for yourselves. One can only put up with that sort of emotional trauma so long! GL.

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  • Less than none (which incidentially is how much time I prefer to spend with MIL). She didn't like his family when they were married and has seen DH's youngest brother once since then when he came to one of SS's school functions with us.

    Now my dad is still somewhat involved with my mom's family. He lives down the road from my aunt and uncle and regularly gets his hair cut at my cousin's salon. But I have come to realize that they have a very uncommon divorce situation in that they are on friendly terms. However, they divorced almost 20 years ago, have both since remarried, and had an amicable divorce to begin with.

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  • image speedysari:
    image JenJune3:

    What gets DH mad about the entire situation is that BM didn't like his family while they were married, she didn't go to his family gatherings, talked crap on his sisters, his sisters talked crap on her, and now that they aren't together anymore she is all of a sudden best friends with everyone. Obviously his sisters are just as much drama as she is! When they first got divorced she accused DH's brother of molesting their daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took her to the hospital for a rape kit! I don't understand how you can go from accusing someone of something so terrible to wanting to be at all the holidays!

    DH asks his mom every time if they are going to invite her over, they always say no. This is not the first time they have lied to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to just stops going.

    This. We used to have the same situation. The entire time H was married to BM (11 years), BM was known in H's family for causing drama and throwing fits. H's family is very conservative Christian and don't believe in divorce, so the moment H asked BM for a divorce, BM became the victim in their eyes. And it didn't hurt that she manipulated them to make sure they stayed on her side.

    BM went to H's family functions for at least a year after the divorce, and I had a rocky relationship with the ILs for about 2 1/2 years. Luckily, they gradually started to open their eyes to the kind of person she is, and what H had been putting up with for 11 years. BM treats SD like a pawn in her big game of manipulation, and the ILs finally accepted that she's in the wrong. 

    Hopefully your ILs will wake up soon, as well. I'm shocked that BM actually says she wants your DH back, and even MORESO that your MIL turns around and TELLS you. So disrespectful. Sounds like you guys need to stand up for yourselves. One can only put up with that sort of emotional trauma so long! GL.

    I'm pretty sure BM and your H's ex may be the same person! That's exactly how she is!

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  • Thank you girls for all the replies! I told DH this morning that I'm not going to bug him anymore about his mom, because I can definitely see that at this point there is no getting through to her. I think it's best if we just distance ourselves from them all and let them have their drama alone! Thanks again girls!
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  • My FH BM is with his family more than I would like. His mother actually goes and stays with her as well. This past year she has ended up at all of his family functions, and they talk on the phone with each other often.

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  • image MrsHamilton2b:

    My FH BM is with his family more than I would like. His mother actually goes and stays with her as well. This past year she has ended up at all of his family functions, and they talk on the phone with each other often.

    Does it bother/irritate/annoy you?

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  • wwnbwwwnbw member
    BM of 3 yo SS never. BM of 11 yo SS ALWAYS. She thinks she is part of the family and I HATE it. DH doesn't talk to his mom because of this. BM was even at my MIL's for Christmas. My MIL says when BM was preggo she felt sorry for her because she was so young and she has always seen her as a daughter. BM left SS for THREE years and is in and out of his life all the time. She is currently living in a sober house. It has always been like this even when DH was with his 3yo's BM. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.
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  • None at all.  They have a mutual hatred for each other.  FWIW, DH and BM were never married, accidental pregnancy, and they stopped dating before SS was born. 
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