Blended Families

Need some advice...

I will be a first time mom in september, I am only 22 years old and am a full time student and work part time. My boyfriend and I live together and we get his daughter every other 2 weeks. I absolutely love my stepdaughter, she is only 19 months, but she calls me mommy. That has to count for something. I really need some advice on if what I am feeling is normal or if my pregnancy hormones are going crazy.

 First, my boyfriend is a disabled vet with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and TBI (traumatic brain injury). I wasnt with him when he was in the military, his ex wife (biological mother of the stepdaughter) was. He and I met and things were never normal since day 1 but it works for us and he was going through their divorce. We got pregnant pretty early in the relationship but he didnt seem to mind and never asked that I get an abortion or set the baby up for adoption. He actually seemed happy and even mentioned that the first time his daughter called me mommy he knew that he had found the right woman to be with. Hes never been an emotional person and I think the military is what did it.

There was an incident where he was forced to spend a few days in jail and while he was there, I went through his phone because I had some suspicion and what I found made me very upset. He and his ex were talking as if they were best friends or quite possibly dating again and saying how proud they are of each other and how he still really wanted her help with stuff. He also had grilled her about sleeping with her then boyfriend at the time and they talked almost on a daily basis. He also told her that he did not trust me with the finances because if I messed up it would put him and his daughter out. Mind you, I was pregnant. When I confronted him in jail about it he said he knew I would ask him about it and said he was just telling her what she wanted to hear because that was the advice he was getting from his family. I still havent gotten over it. Finally, I helped get him out and when I went to pick him up all he could talk about was how he realized I was the only one who cared for him and that I was the only one who had his back and that as soon as the divorce was finalized, he wanted to get married. It made me happy but I still felt like crap on the inside. He also kept the pregnancy a secret from his family for a few months and even got a little upset that I had said something to my sister and my mom. I told them as soon as I found out. 

Since then, things with his ex have taken up alot of his time, its either up or its down. Hell talk crap about her one day and then the next hes trying to get to her to do a better job at being a person and a mother. She is also 22 and has no high school diploma, lives with her dad, no car of her own, no license and still drives around illegally with her daughter in the front seat. I personally feel that he still puts too much effort into her even though they are divorced now. I dont feel like my child or I are even a priority. He barely mentions the pregnancy or what we are going to do in the future with our baby, its always about his daughter. Its as if nothing will even compare to his daughter. I always mention the "kids" and he always mentions his daughter only. He doesnt even seem to care that much about getting married and we set on going to the JOP on thursday. His FB says divorced, not taken or engaged and when I inquired about the relationship status he denied me. Our sex life keeps going down and he only seems to want it in the middle of the night and when I try or mention that I want to, nothing comes of it. 

I am getting really stressed out and have been crying constantly. Its even getting to me so much that I have been staying out of his issues with his ex and havent even bothered about having sex with him. What is going on with him?! This is my first for a kid and a husband and I feel like everything has gone to crap. This isnt how I imagined it. Im sorry for ranting but I have to get this off my chest and need some advice. I dont want to feel like I am going out of my mind anymore. 

Re: Need some advice...

  • I wish I had happier advice to give you, but this is my honest opinion.  Get a lawyer.

    It doesn't sound like he's finished with his ex.  It doesn't sound like he loves or respects you.

    Don't get married.  Get out before it gets more complicated.  At the very least, give it more time.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and going through this.  I can't imagine what it must be like.  But it's not too late to get yourself out of a bad situation, or to start your child's life off with a good example of a strong mommy who would do anything for him or her.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • Take it from someone struggling in a crappy marriage. Don't marry someone thinking it will get better. It doesn't and then you have a really tough time fixing it with someone that is emotionally absent and unwilling.

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  • Get out. Get a lawyer. Get a CO.

    That's the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself.  

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  • I am so sorry you are dealing with that, in all honesty your boyfriend sounds like a total loser.  I try really hard not to say that about people bc there are always 2 sides, but from what you wrote, yeah he is. 

    Just out of curiousity what was he in jail for?

    IMO he either still has feelings for his ex or he is afraid of pissing her off and her trying to keep SD away from him.  Do they have a formal custody order or is it just an arrangement between the 2 of them?  If it's not a legal order then possibly that is the reasoning behind him acting so strange with regards to his family and BM finding out about your pregnancy. 

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  • image fellesferie:

    Get out. Get a lawyer. Get a CO.

    That's the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself.  

    This.

    And just because I HAVE to say it... a 19 month old calling you mommy holds absolutely no weight with me, and I give you a huge side eye for allowing it. A child that age has no idea what the word really means. She sees you are a woman, who is caring for her the way her mommy does. I give huge eyerolls to 'step parents' (which, you are not a step parent, nor do you have a step daughter) who let young babies/children call them mom/dad.

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  • I have a 20-month-old...  half of what she's saying sounds like mommy...
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  • I agree with all the other advise. You need to get out now while you can. It has taken me 4 very long years with my ex husband to get to the point where we can be civil with each other and talk on the phone without fighting....not to say that we "chat"! We talk about our boys and if there's something vitally important in our lives that can effect the other parent, we'll share...other than that, we don't speak! We're no longer a couple and that's the way it needs to stay! Same with your BF and his ex....if, IF, they are truly done with each other, then there is no reason for him to be chatting with her. Sharing personal information about your relationship with him is uncalled for!! Don't allow it! Talk with a Lawyer - most will give you a free consultation - so call several and see what they all say your options are. Since you are not married, he can be listed as the father but in the state of GA his rights are very limited, which could work to your advantage. GL!!
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  • image karatechrissy:
    image fellesferie:

    Get out. Get a lawyer. Get a CO.

    That's the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself.  

    This.

    And just because I HAVE to say it... a 19 month old calling you mommy holds absolutely no weight with me, and I give you a huge side eye for allowing it. A child that age has no idea what the word really means. She sees you are a woman, who is caring for her the way her mommy does. I give huge eyerolls to 'step parents' (which, you are not a step parent, nor do you have a step daughter) who let young babies/children call them mom/dad.

    This. My now 11 yo SD called me mommy when she was 4 (I had only met her a few times).  I had to explain to her that I wasn't mommy I could be her friend though.

    Your boyfriends daughter should not call you mommy and you shouldn't let it continue. Wait until you have your own child. I couldn't imagine my son calling another woman mommy. You need to respect that she has a mommy in her life and you aren't it. Sorry.

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  • It sounds to me like either your BF and his ex have more going on than he likes you to think your he wants to have his cake and eat it to.
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  • image FutureMrsWittig:

    I wish I had happier advice to give you, but this is my honest opinion.  Get a lawyer.

    It doesn't sound like he's finished with his ex.  It doesn't sound like he loves or respects you.

    Don't get married.  Get out before it gets more complicated.  At the very least, give it more time.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and going through this.  I can't imagine what it must be like.  But it's not too late to get yourself out of a bad situation, or to start your child's life off with a good example of a strong mommy who would do anything for him or her.

    Could not have said it better myself!

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  • Oh, honey, I am so very sorry for your troubles.  Bottome Line:  get out.  Don't wait around and see if things will get better.  You will never be at peace with this especially after everything I just read.  Do yourself and your child a favor and go.
  • Your bf needs to get professional help for his PTSD and other issues.  He will need long term therapy to deal with that, depending on what actually happened to him and what he witnessed. 

    After he has sorted himself out he needs to come to terms with his failed marriage.  It sounds like he is still emotionally tied to her and not sure what he wants.  That will only become clear when he deals with his other issues.

    THEN if he decides that he is over his ex he should spend  time alone to figure out who he is and what he wants from life.  And also to get to a place in his relationship with his ex and DD that they are working together and co parenting as best they can.

    At that stage he might be ready for a new relationship (your child will probably be in kindergarten by this time).  Then he needs to spend time with you, without the distraction of his PTSD and ex, and see if he has feelings for you and if there is the possibility of a relationship.

    Problem is you guys skipped all that and dived in at the deep end.  Now you are finding out what it is to be in a relationship with a man that (as we say in Ireland) does not know his arse from his elbow.

    Basically what I am saying is it sounds like your bf head is spinning with all he has going on right now.  Jump off the merry-go-round for your own sake and the sake of your unborn child. 

    This man cannot provide you with stability or a healthy relationship because he is currently not capable of it. 

    Mental health issues, bouts in prison,  lying, emotionally attached to his ex = not good for you or this child.

    No doubt you are determined to stick it out so my best advice is to toughen up and accept that what you are getting is what you have signed up for. 

     

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  • I am not the one that encourages it, he does. Which is why this whole situation is so frustrating. When I do speak to her, not that she quite understands what I say anyways, I try to avoid using the word mommy. Especially because of the environment that my sister and I were raised in. My dad was with someone for 12 years and she was overbearing when it came to mommy duties. I dont want it to be like that with her.  

  • image Taryn88:

    I am not the one that encourages it, he does. Which is why this whole situation is so frustrating. When I do speak to her, not that she quite understands what I say anyways, I try to avoid using the word mommy. Especially because of the environment that my sister and I were raised in. My dad was with someone for 12 years and she was overbearing when it came to mommy duties. I dont want it to be like that with her.  

    You have no need to use the word mommy at all with her, so don't "try" to avoid it. It's completely unneccessary. Listen, you are young. You have a long time to find someone that is right for you. He clearly is not it now. He has way too much baggage and should be taking care of that.

    You don't even have her F/T so you have no "mommy" duties to speak of. Stop worrying about being a mommy to a child that is not yours that you only see every other weekend. If you are insistent on staying in this relationship (which it seems you will no matter what anyone says to you) then be a friend to her when you hang out with her. you aren't her mother and the sooner you get that through your head the better off you will be. You are only confusing that child.

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