Blended Families

WWYD?

Long time lurker on this board-- finally thinking I need to throw this one out to the crowd for some opinions/advice:

Here's the background: DD is now 7. I had her my senior year of high school at 18. Her BF was always in and out of trouble with the law, went to jail when she was just 3 days old. History of family drug and alcohol abuse, and he himself is or was a user. Finally got up the courage to separate from him when DD was about 1. He was verbally abusive and at times physically as well to the point where I had a restraining order placed against him. He has never played an active role in her life always in and out, broken promises to get her, etc. When DD was 3 I moved about 1 1/2 hours away to live with my current husband. 

 Fast forward to now: Since I moved 4 years ago I can count the number of times on one had BF has seen DD. In May of 2009 he contacted me after his brother was killed suddenly in an accident. Him and his family wanted to re-kindle their relationship with her. She saw them once and never really heard anything of it again. Nothing on her birthday, Christmas, nada. This year in January after yet another Christmas of hearing nothing from him we contacted BF to see if he'd be willing to sign his rights over to my husband. BF declined and again stated he'd like to start visiting with her, working to re-establish their relationship. Then, again, nothing except a text message at 10PM on her birthday which by the way was a school night. Recently found out he was in jail for about two weeks for a few charges related to public intoxication trespassing, don't really know the story. 

 His family has never really made much of an effort either until we reached out to them to find BF in January. They called today asking if we would drive to their house, bring DD, because they have an Easter basket for her and would like to see her. WTF? They have (since January) expressed an interest in having a relationship with her regardles of her relationship with BF.

 Sorry to be so long-winded.. here is my question:

 1) When we consulted with an attorney based on our state laws we could petition to have BF rights stripped because according to legal definitions he has abandoned his child. I just have never felt right about forcing this issue but at the same time I'm concerned that 1) down the road he'll just be able to walk back into her life and she'll be heartbroken with disappointment 2) What if something happened to me. I just wish instead of not doing anything he would be the bigger man and sign over his rights or be a father. WWYD?

2)  Does anyone her have a child that has a relationship with paternal grandparents but not the father? My concern is that if they are involved, he will be able to continue to carousel in and out of her life as he always does. Also I feel like where were they for two years and also they only try to contact her during holidays. My child does exist the other 10 months of the year!!

Thanks in advance. There are many details I excluded-- should probably write a novel. BTW, BF does not pay child support and never has consistently. State is prosecuting him for non-payment. He no-showed for his last court date and has another court date in about two weeks at which time he will be ordered to serve 60 days in jail for failure to pay. 

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Re: WWYD?

  • My DH adopted my 4 yr old DS last fall. BF chose to allow the adoption so we didn't have to terminate his rights. He also was very behind in child support and facing jail time. DS still has a relationship with BF's mom. She sends him cards and letters, he sends her colored pictures, and DS and I visit her a few times a year. When we visit I always stay the whole time so I know BF isn't there or his mom isn't saying anything confusing to DS. I understand your frusturation with his parents only wanting to be involved near holidays. BF's mom used to be like that but I made it clear that she either needs to be in his life or out so now she makes an attempt.
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  • My SS, 10, does not have a relationship with his mom but does see her parents about once a year. His mom brought up the possibility of me adopting him to DH before we got married. The only reason I haven't is because DH doesn't want the CS to stop.
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  • I'm not in your position, so take this with a grain of salt.

    I'd petition to have his rights stripped.  If, God forbid, something did happen to you, you'll want someone responsible to take care of DD.  I shudder to think how messy it could get if BF decides to just jump in and see what he's capable of.  That said, that doesn't mean your DD can't ever have a relationship with him or his family if she decides to later in life.  If you can keep track of BF just from a distance, and keep communication with DD open about him (who he is, where he is, etc...) then if she wants to start a realtionship with him later she could.

    I would say keep the door open with BFs parents too as long as they are courteous toward you and your H, and don't push the boundaries you establish.  It never hurts a kid to have more people in their life who love them.

    Just my opinion, FWIW.  Hope you find a resolution.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • imageamathew:

    1) When we consulted with an attorney based on our state laws we could petition to have BF rights stripped because according to legal definitions he has abandoned his child. I just have never felt right about forcing this issue but at the same time I'm concerned that 1) down the road he'll just be able to walk back into her life and she'll be heartbroken with disappointment 2) What if something happened to me. I just wish instead of not doing anything he would be the bigger man and sign over his rights or be a father. WWYD?

    IMO, Stability is better than instability.  I would say "force the issue" because honestly YOU aren't forcing it.  Her BF has made this decision all on his own to behave this way.  If you know him to be unreliable, abusive, etc, why would you NOT want to force this?

    imageamathew:
    2)  Does anyone her have a child that has a relationship with paternal grandparents but not the father? My concern is that if they are involved, he will be able to continue to carousel in and out of her life as he always does. Also I feel like where were they for two years and also they only try to contact her during holidays. My child does exist the other 10 months of the year!!

    1) Your child can have a relationship with anyone you choose to expose her to.  There aren't any rules that if she's not in contact with BF she can't be in contact with paternal grandparents.

    2) You are probably right that if they are involved then he will be too.  Your DD is old enough now to begin to understand that though it's disappointing, she can't count on her BF.  That's why you need to show her she CAN count on your DH (by having BF's rights stripped and letting DH adopt your DD).

    3) Have you tried to talk to the paternal grandparents about the sentiment "My child does exist the other 10 months of the year!"?  I would let them know that you are willing to keep a door open so she can know her "family" but that ignoring her all year only to contact her when it's convenient for them is not acceptable.  If you choose to allow them to be a part of her life I would set up a schedule of visitations/contacts.  That way you can present "this is what I expect" sort of ground rules.

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