Is it courteous or "gift-grabbing"

[Deleted User]

...to send an invitation to relatives and friends in other states who you know most likely won't come?  I feel like it would be rude to invite my aunt who lives 2 hours away and not invite my aunt who lives across the country.  My MIL and her sisters live in the midwest (we're in California), and I don't want to seem like I'm forgetting my husband's side of the family.  At the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm including them on my guest list as a way of implying that they should send a gift anyway.

People travel for weddings all the time, but baby showers? 

Is it more likely that they will see the invitation the way I intend it? (which is to say "thinking of you, wish you could be here")

Am I just over-thinking it?

Valeriam

WIth my first daughter- I had the same issue.  My hostesses insisted on sending them to distant relatives. Since they were on there side of the fam I figured they would now there reaction best and probably new how they would react better than I.  Ask your hubs how his fam would react.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mandyhall2882

I don't think you are over-thinking it. It's normal to not want to leave anyone out or have hard feelings if someone doesn't get invited, even if they couldn't come.

I invited my DH's cousin who lives in Vegas, but I also thought I better invite her sister (DH's other cousin) so she didn't feel like I was excluding her. I also invited my SIL and MIL (both who live out of state) as not to have hurts feelings, although it's likely that neither one of them will be able to attend.

I would think that most family would like to recieve an invitation as a way of "thinking about them", even if they won't be there in person.

rhubarb123

I guess it would depend on how close you are with the person.  I invited several people who were out of state (one was my SIL) knowing full well they would not come.  There was some function several years ago that we did not invite her to (my DH's college graduation or something like that) and she was really upset.  I guess I'd rather take the chance they will think I'm only asking for a gift rather than them thinking I "forgot them" or they "don't matter"...KWIM?

[Deleted User]

rhubarb123:

I guess I'd rather take the chance they will think I'm only asking for a gift rather than them thinking I "forgot them" or they "don't matter"...KWIM?

Yeah, I think you're right about that.  Good point. 

ccorso

I am sending to people who I know will not be attending.  I am putting a little note in with it that says something like "I know you will not be coming.  But I wanted you to know that you are a special woman in my life and I am thankful for that you will be apart of this child's life.  The Corso family will be down in August or September for a Meet the Baby party and we hope so see you there."

iheartmyllama

I was in the same situation. DH's Grandma and Aunts live about 2 hours away in MI, we are in IL. They couldn't make it to our bridal shower but did come to the wedding. My mother didn't want to send them a baby shower invitation but I wanted to do the courteous thing and invite them even though I thought they might not come. My shower is in 1 month and unfortunately we had to travel there last week for DH's Grandpa's wake. One Aunt and Grandma told me they couldn't make it but thanked me for inviting them, so I felt I made the right decision.

Mrs.B6302007

I have been on the receiving end of an invite like this and honestly, I felt like it was a gift-grab more so than a "let's not leave out Mrs. B".  Did they really think I would travel 11 hours one way for a shower?  There's a bit more background to the story which I can't share on here that leads me to that feeling, too, so I think it's more of a case-by-case basis. It depends on the relationship with that person.

katiegal

I think it seems gift grabby too.  I only invited my friends and relatives that I thought could actually make it.  I figure, everyone knows that I'm having a baby and if they want to send me a gift then they can.  My MIL on the other hand has the opposite opinion and feels like her out-of-town relatives would be hurt if we didn't invite them so we sent invites to them.  Every family's different so that plays a major part into your decision.

fancynewbeesly

When we have our meet the baby party, we are inviting long distance people that we are close too. One of my aunts lives in FL and I am super close to her--but know that she won't be able to make it. However, she would be upset if wasn't invited. I am also inviting some college friends, we live in NJ and they live in NY, CT and MD. But we e-mail daily (or almost daily) and talk on the phone on the regular basis. I know they probably won't be able to come, but I also told them that if they wanted to stay over--we have plenty of beds and floor space, they are more than welcome to. Again, I know they would be upset if they weren't invited due to distance. 

FutureMrsWittig

I'm inviting SIL who lives out of state, just because I don't want her to feel left out.

That said, a friend of mine is having her bachelorette party while I will be 35 weeks pregnant.  She sent me an invite with a little note on the back that just said "I understand you can't make it (we had previously discussed) but wanted you to know anyway that I'm glad you're my friend and you will be missed."  I thought that was very classy of her.

starz57182

I did have invitations sent out to friends and family who are far away. We just moved across the country a year ago so I will literally have zero family at my shower but the hostess thought it would be nice to invite them and help them feel included. Basically, I put anyone on the list who *would* come if they could, it was mostly close friends and family. 

I also let these women know ahead of time that they were being invited to a shower that I knew full well they couldn't attend, but that they were someone who is important to me and if the situation were different, I'd love to see them.

I've been invited to showers that I know they knew I couldn't attend due to distance, and I wasn't offended or thought it was weird at all. I personally thought it was nice that they thought of me, and I'm hoping that the women who got the invite will feel the same way  

I agree with the pp who said that if her sister had a shower and she wasn't invited, she'd be upset. I would be too, and I know my sister, MIL, etc would feel the same way. So they got invited! 

shellindcwife

I struggled with this issue too when figuring out the guest list for my hostesses. I talked to my mom about it and she said that it was more gift-grabby than anything else (I didn't want our aunts, female cousins and friends across the country to feel left out, but didn't want them to feel obligated to travel and/or send a gift either).

Mom said that it's better to do a birth announcement in the case of OOT relatives/friends, rather than a shower invitation. I guess that fits in with the fact that we both think the parents-to-be really should be able to buy the gear for the baby, rather than relying on others to buy it for you (some people honestly believe that family/friends should foot the bill for all of a baby's gear...oh, the horrors!).

So, we didn't invite the OOTers to the shower, but will send an announcement once he decides to make an appearance. 

ETA: I think a Meet-The-Baby/Sip N See party is different, since that's more a social event, mixed company, not gift-oriented, has drinks/activities, etc. Invite whomever the hell you want in that case. 

EastCoastBride

I still contend that most mature, rational women will not be upset or offended to not be invited to an event that they realstiacally can't attend. Weddings are the exception. Baby showers are NOT weddings

SSILVEIRA

katiegal:

I think it seems gift grabby too.  I only invited my friends and relatives that I thought could actually make it.  I figure, everyone knows that I'm having a baby and if they want to send me a gift then they can.  My MIL on the other hand has the opposite opinion and feels like her out-of-town relatives would be hurt if we didn't invite them so we sent invites to them.  Every family's different so that plays a major part into your decision.

Who cares? The women your are sending them to are your friend and family, they won't think any less of you! Geez

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the advice, ladies!  I think I'm going ask my sister to send invites to my aunt in SC, my MIL, and my best friend in Washington, with a note attached from me saying I miss them, etc.  I will send birth announcements to the others I was thinking of.

Yellow_Daisy

I invited all the local people and then asked if there was anyone not local that Mom or MIL thought should receive an invite.  Almost all of our family (aunts, cousins, sisters, SIL, etc) are out of state and neither my Mom or MIL thought we should send an invite to them.  We sent one invite to someone who lives 5 hrs away because she is my parents best friend and would be hurt if she didn't receive an invite, that said she will most likely fly up for the shower, just as my mom flew down for her daughter's shower.

So I would ask your Mom and MIL if there is anyone that is not local that you should invite or would expect an invite.  Technically you aren't inviting them your hostess is.

bsmead

ccorso:

I am sending to people who I know will not be attending.  I am putting a little note in with it that says something like "I know you will not be coming.  But I wanted you to know that you are a special woman in my life and I am thankful for that you will be apart of this child's life.  The Corso family will be down in August or September for a Meet the Baby party and we hope so see you there."

 

I think this is the best solution

shortstuff15

Yellow_Daisy:

I invited all the local people and then asked if there was anyone not local that Mom or MIL thought should receive an invite.  Almost all of our family (aunts, cousins, sisters, SIL, etc) are out of state and neither my Mom or MIL thought we should send an invite to them.  We sent one invite to someone who lives 5 hrs away because she is my parents best friend and would be hurt if she didn't receive an invite, that said she will most likely fly up for the shower, just as my mom flew down for her daughter's shower.

So I would ask your Mom and MIL if there is anyone that is not local that you should invite or would expect an invite.  Technically you aren't inviting them your hostess is.

Complete side question - isn't is cheaper to drive 5 hours then to fly?  Here to drive 5 hours is probably about $100 but to fly that distance is like $350 - $400.

Yellow_Daisy

dhviel:

Yellow_Daisy:

I invited all the local people and then asked if there was anyone not local that Mom or MIL thought should receive an invite.  Almost all of our family (aunts, cousins, sisters, SIL, etc) are out of state and neither my Mom or MIL thought we should send an invite to them.  We sent one invite to someone who lives 5 hrs away because she is my parents best friend and would be hurt if she didn't receive an invite, that said she will most likely fly up for the shower, just as my mom flew down for her daughter's shower.

So I would ask your Mom and MIL if there is anyone that is not local that you should invite or would expect an invite.  Technically you aren't inviting them your hostess is.

Complete side question - isn't is cheaper to drive 5 hours then to fly?  Here to drive 5 hours is probably about $100 but to fly that distance is like $350 - $400.

LOL!  Southwest offers great deals between San Diego and Sacramento (they have specials like $59 each way) so with gas prices the way they are ($4.50ish/gal or higher down south) no it's probably cheaper to fly.  I guess when I think about more though it's at least a 7 hr drive.  Plus driving through LA is a b!tch ;-).

katiegal

SSILVEIRA:

katiegal:

I think it seems gift grabby too.  I only invited my friends and relatives that I thought could actually make it.  I figure, everyone knows that I'm having a baby and if they want to send me a gift then they can.  My MIL on the other hand has the opposite opinion and feels like her out-of-town relatives would be hurt if we didn't invite them so we sent invites to them.  Every family's different so that plays a major part into your decision.

Who cares? The women your are sending them to are your friend and family, they won't think any less of you! Geez

Like I mentioned before, every family is different.  If your family gets offended when they're not invited to events they can't possibly make, then you should send them invitations.  My family is more practical.  I think it's ridiculous to send a baby shower invitation to my aunts who live in CA, FL, my cousin who is in Seattle, my other cousin in TN (you get the point) when I live in MD.  They all know that I'm having a baby and that I'm obviously having a shower.  If they want to send a gift, they can but I'm not soliciting them to do so.  As others have mentioned, this is a baby shower, not a wedding.  Not to mention the cost of the invitations and postage, I'm trying to save my friends who were nice enough to do this for me some money.

 

melissa721

My family sends invites to OOT family members to be polite. What if they were planning on taking a trip anyway? Your shower would be a good time to do it. I think it's better than just seeing the pics on FB and having the extended fam feel hurt they weren't invited.

ccorso

ccorso:

I am sending to people who I know will not be attending.  I am putting a little note in with it that says something like "I know you will not be coming.  But I wanted you to know that you are a special woman in my life and I am thankful for that you will be apart of this child's life.  The Corso family will be down in August or September for a Meet the Baby party and we hope so see you there."

 

This is what we ended up putting in the invites.  We had infertitily issues so that is taken into consideration with some of the wording

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"T and I are amazed to be sitting 7 weeks from the due date of Little Corso. We could not have gotten here without all of your thoughts and prayers ? tears and laughs.  We wanted you to know that you are special in our lives and invite you to our day of celebration. We do not expect you to come the distance, but we wanted you to know that your presences will be felt.  We will be having a celebration at the end of the summer in Southern California so that you can meet Little Corso. Love, T and C"

rhubarb123

Obviously my sister-in-law and a couple of our out of state friends are immature and non rational...because they WERE upset/offended to have not received an invitation (and it wasn't even for something that important!).  They are always invited now and they live over 1,000 miles away.

We invited a LOT of people from out-of-state (my DH is from out-of-state)...probably about 15.  12 of them came.  We are talking 6 hours driving time.  Most of them got hotel rooms for the evening but a few stayed at our house. 

You know your family and friends best (or your mom does) so just go with what you think would be appropriate with them.  I, personally, would have no issue with receiving an invite for an out-of-state baby/bridal shower and if possible I would go.  I would not feel it was gift grabby unless I really did not know the person very well - which in that case I would think that even if I lived around the block from them.

Amanda&EricB

My DH has a lot of out of state family, and we are sending invitations to them. They are all what he would consider close, and he doesn't want to exclude anybody. We know that a lot of them won't be able to come but they are all very excited about the pregnancy so I think it will mean something to them to get an invitation and know we were thinking of them and wishing they could be there.

weddingbells2010

I think most people will read it the "right" way- it will appear thoughtful and well-intended.  If your shower isn't a surprise, you could also include a little handwritten note to those out-of-towners with the "wish you were here" sentiment.  Some people, like my aunt, are scrapbookers who will want the invite for posterity sake even if they cannot attend, so I'd send them.

mandiroze

I invited close family (aunts, grandparents) and a bridesmaid that lived out of state to my bridal shower, because they would have wanted to be included (if only to see the cute invitation and know the date so they could call me after to ask me about it).  I knew they wouldn't come, and I also knew that they would send a gift whether they were there or not.  Out of state friends and extended family?  Absolutely not.  As other people said, you know them best (or ask your mom, mother in law, etc).  

If I was invited by a friend or someone I wasn't very close to, I would feel it was gift-grabbing.  If it was my brother's, brother in law's or cousin's fiance or wife (for a baby shower or wedding shower), I would be hurt if I didn't get an invite and I would definitely want to send a present anyway, so I wouldn't consider it greedy at all.

farmrose

IMO its courteous of you to send them an invite. Several others have said this but its a nice way to tell family you would like for them to be there. I think most people would understand you are sending it as a nice gesture, not just looking for a gift. My cousin had a shower in January (in CA), we live in GA and we were left off the guest list, my mom (her sister's daughter) and my sister were very unhappy and hurt by this. We are pretty close and were planning to send gifts anyways. But...I'd say send it!