Blended Families

More tough choices

A few years ago I moved 1,000 miles away from home to be with my H (we did long distance prior to the move) b/c he had kids in the same town. I went from a major metro area to a small town. I TOTALLY took a step down in my career to move here.

I've been job hunting in a close-by major metro area, which happens to be where s-kids moved with BM. B/c of the economy, I haven't been able to find a job there so we haven't moved.

Well, now H sort of wants to move to yet another location for 2 reasons:

1. Closer to his 2nd job on the family farm (which currently takes him away from home more often to be there)

2. It would be less travel with his first job which means he'd be home with me more often.

While I would love to move there b/c my H would be home more, I don't want to move there b/c:

1. it's further north than we are currently and therefore even COLDER (hint: it is in North Dakota). I am from the south and hate the weather here already.

2. It's another small town so I'll never get my dream of living in a major metro area. And there aren't many jobs there for what I do.

So do I give up my dreams so my H can live his, or do I sacrifice so that I can spend more time with my H and less time alone? Also, if we move to ND we won't be closer to the s-kids, which H is okay with b/c this location is better for both his jobs.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

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Re: More tough choices

  • I think if you sign on for more stuff you DON'T want, you're going to be even more miserable and resentful, maybe even to the point where you leave your H.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image J&A2008:
    I think if you sign on for more stuff you DON'T want, you're going to be even more miserable and resentful, maybe even to the point where you leave your H.

     

    This Exactly!

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  • Have you discussed your concerns and issues with your H? 

    Whichever way you go, I think that you have at times felt a lot of resentment about what you've had to give up to be in the relationship. If you keep consistently finding yourself in that place, it'll be harder and harder for you to be happy.

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  • Absolutely I've discussed this with my H. Which is why he is not pressuring me into moving there. He says we can go to whichever place I want.

    It's just hard for me to know what it will take to come to a place where I feel content when I'm making decisions based on what is best for my H and/or his kids.

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  • Whatever decision y'all come to, you sound like a very selfless and generous person, which is very important in a blended family. But remember that even the most generous and loving people need to put their own interests in there somewhere. You don't want to end up bitter because you lost yourself along the way with so many moves and changes.
  • Where in ND are you looking? Right now ND has the lowest unemployment rate, and the pay isnt too bad i actually made more money by moving home from where I was at. Plus depending on the area, you might be able to commute. PM me if you need anything specific on the area.
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  • image J&A2008:
    I think if you sign on for more stuff you DON'T want, you're going to be even more miserable and resentful, maybe even to the point where you leave your H.

    I have to agree. Have you talked to your H about your dreams and aspirations? Does he know what  YOU want? You seem to keep giving and giving and giving, and you -seem- to be pretty unhappy already. I think you really need to evaluate your life, your life with him, your future together and what that all entails. Best case scenario, worst case scenario, and what you are willing to live with.

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  •  It seems like a selfish move on your H's part, is there any way you can compromise and find a bigger metro area closer to where he wants to be as well?
    My H is not pushing me to go where he wants. In fact, he SAYS that we can even move back to my home town. But despite the fact that some of you think I don't want him to have a relationship with his kids, I would never do this.

    I am committed to staying in this region of the country so he can maintain a relationship with them. But finding the best area is tough b/c of his travel/jobs and where I want to live/my job.

    Thanks for the input. There really is no easy answer. But the pressure of making the right decision is constant and trying.

    Maybe I should just give it more time and the answer will become more clear. I don't know.

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  • Does your H have to be involved with the family farm? It sounds like that is just another thing for him to do, that takes him away from you, and the kids. Would it be possible for him to let that go, and for you guys to move to the metro area with the kids? It's also a lot easier to find a job somewhere when you are actually there.

    I think everyones point with the whole your H is being selfish thing, is that it is selfish for him to even suggest that, when he knows what you want out of life. You want to move to a metro area and get a job in your field, and to be successful. And while I do believe that sometimes marriages require huge sacrifices, you have already made that sacrifice by moving from your home town. If you do more, will you ever find contentment and happiness with your life? You should never have to sacrifice everything that you want for someone else. What has he sacrificed for this marriage?

  • Your situation is really difficult, twink. I think that's why your posts seem to stick in people's minds and why you get a lot of responses and a lot of back and forth.

    It's easy to see that you (at least at some point) were in really over your head here, and it doesn't seem like you get the support that you need.  It seems like you and your husband love each other and both want each other to be happy, You've stated that you feel like you've given up so much to make this work, and he's sacrificed things, too.

    It worries me when you say that you want a child because you want unconditional love. Unconditional love between parent and child generally only flows one way--and it's not from child TO parent. I believe that my kids love me, but it's pretty rare that they do anything to show that. Children take take take and take some more.

    It strikes me as odd that your H would be willing to move across the country to make you happy. Why is he willing to give up seeing his kids? And further, why is he putting you in the position of putting the kids first? On one hand, it's a nice gesture. But on the other, isn't it putting more stress on you to have to say no? 

    Out of all the possible scenarios you mentioned, the one that makes the most sense to me is moving to the metro area where the kids are. I think that if you guys were to be in their lives more, some things might start to make more sense. Maybe having more of a relationship with them would bring happiness to you. Maybe a better job and more opportunities would make it easier when your H is absent. Maybe consistently seeing more improvement with your SS's therapy would make writing those big checks every month less painful.

    Good luck.

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  • Thanks ladies for understanding. Wendelia, sounds like you've been in a similar situation, so it's nice to relate.

    You all have pretty much summed up the options. I think my choice is also the metro area where we'll be closer to the kids, where I want to live and have good job opportunities.

    H can keep his current job and live there; he'll just have more travel (than he would if we moved to ND). As for why does he have to keep working at the family farm - I agree that he shouldn't do that right now. It's just another stress we don't need. I tried (and was) supportive of it for a while, but I've seen the impact now and we don't need this.

    I've told him this recently, and I think he's going to stop if we don't move there. I know it's difficult b/c he'll probably inherit all of this one day, so he wants to learn from his dad while he can. I want to be supportive of that, but I feel like I can't support EVERYTHING he wants; I have to take some too. Yeah, I've told him over and over that he really hasn't given up anything to be in this like I have. He's really not selfish thoug; he's the most selfless person I know even though it doesn't appear this way given these larger things.

    And there's part of me that could benefit from what he's doing. Really, I wouldn't even have to work if he did everything he wants to do. His goal is to just do as well as he can financially. But on the other hand, I love my career and make good money myself (this is relative, of course) and don't want to give it up.

    I'm glad you all agree that I can't support him in all of these things. To answer the question why would H move to my home town, I think he just says that b/c I have given so much. I don't think he really wants to do it, which is fine.

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  • Oh, and felles, I don't want a child only b/c of the unconditional love. I want a child b/c family is the most important thing in my life. I've always known I wanted a family; I've just been waiting for the right time.

    Since I moved away from my family, I realize the only way to have one is to make my own. (Yes, I know I have s-kids, and they are my family, but seeing them a few days a month just isn't the same).

    I wouldn't argue with you that raising kids is the hardest job in the world, but when the time is right, I want to do it. Some step-parents have to function as the parent. But that's just not my role; we don't see the kids enough for even H to feel that way.

    So I don't think I should be faulted for feeling like my s-kids don't satisfy my desire to have a child. But that doesn't mean that I don't accept them.

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  • image twinkl5379:

    Oh, and felles, I don't want a child only b/c of the unconditional love. I want a child b/c family is the most important thing in my life. I've always known I wanted a family; I've just been waiting for the right time.

    Since I moved away from my family, I realize the only way to have one is to make my own. (Yes, I know I have s-kids, and they are my family, but seeing them a few days a month just isn't the same).

    I wouldn't argue with you that raising kids is the hardest job in the world, but when the time is right, I want to do it. Some step-parents have to function as the parent. But that's just not my role; we don't see the kids enough for even H to feel that way.

    So I don't think I should be faulted for feeling like my s-kids don't satisfy my desire to have a child. But that doesn't mean that I don't accept them.

    I understand; and I certainly understand the desire to have a child. It just concerns me when you sound stressed and sad and everything else, because children don't make any of that better.

    Maybe if you do make the move to the metro area and you guys see more of the kids, it'll help you feel a little more like a cohesive family.  

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