DH's Grandfather Died (long)
ambrvan
member
Yesterday morning, we were just waking up (hadn't even rolled out of bed yet) when we got the phone call. DH's grandfather had passed in his sleep. We have been preparing for this for a long time (he's been in the nursing home since March 2009), but it still didn't make it any easier, of course. DH's grandparents were more like his parents for much of his life. His own parents were divorced, his mother got very sick when he was a young teenager, and his father did not want him. So he lived with his grandparents until he moved out on his own.
DH spent at least two hours at the nursing home every day (5 or 6 hours on the days he does not work) keeping him company, feeding him, changing him, etc. A couple other family members would feed him, but DH was the only one who was there every night to help get him ready for bed (his grandfather was difficult for some of the aides to handle so after finding out that he wasn't getting cleaned or changed before bed sometimes, DH just took it on himself to make sure things got done).
SD is also very close to her great-grandparents. She was their world from the moment she was born, and she visited him in the nursing home several times a week. Her visits were the only time that he ever acted almost normal. He would sit up and talk and smile and sing and laugh. And when she was gone, he would cry because and tell the aides he was sad because he knew he would never get to come home with her. Often times, SD was the only one he would talk to at all.
This is her first real experience with death, and I'm trying to help her handle it as easily as possible. I feel like everyone is so ripped up by it that they are forgetting she is not quite 5 yet and that she still doesn't understand what is going on. Maybe I'm being overprotective, but I think everyone is expecting her to understand far too much that she should or is even capable of grasping at the moment. And there lies the worst part about being a step-parent. I can give my opinion on things, but ultimately, DH can override me, even in his illogical state of mind where he is not thinking clearly.
DH and I went to the nursing home yesterday morning before they took the body away, and guess what... he brought SD with us. I was infuriated by it and kept her out in the hall as long as I could. I didn't let him take her in until everyone else had gotten there and had a chance to get over the initial shock and the raw front of emotions had passed. I think that was one of the worst calls he could have made yesterday.
When we first got the call, DH was blubbering his eyes out, and as soon as SD woke up, he swept her into his arms and attempted to say "Granddaddy passed away last night" but no one could have understood him, especially not SD, not that she would have understood what he meant by it. She just sat there with him saying, "It's ok, it's ok, Daddy." When I took her into the other room to get dressed, I explained things to her and told her what was going on and why Daddy was so upset. I told her where we were going and what to expect when we got there. I explained that people were going to be very sad and lots of people would probably be crying but that it was ok for everyone to be sad like that because everyone loved Granddaddy so much.
Then as she asked more questions at the nursing home, I answered them as best I could. She cried at the nursing home, but she said it was because everyone else was crying. I think seeing everyone else so upset is what scared her. So I reiterated what I told her before about it being ok for everyone to cry and be upset. And she asked me if Granddaddy was in Heaven, and why he was still laying there if he was in Heaven, etc. There was just so much for her little mind to absorb yesterday without warning. I think it was so unfair for her.
And then last night, after DH came home (DS and I had come home earlier) he told me SD was going to spend the night with his Granny. I was calm as I gave him my opinion yet again, but I made sure he knew what I thought. I told him I would go get her if he couldn't handle Granny crying when he tried to take SD home (the reason he let her stay in the first place). I told him to remember that SD is still on 4yo and that taking care of her great-grandmother her responsibility. She is the one who is supposed to be taken care of, not the other way around. Then I through out the other little minor reasons for her to come home. She needed a bath, she needed a real dinner (since Granny was obviously not going to be up to eating or cooking), she needed medicine since her allergies were bothering her, etc.
I hated "breathing down his neck" when I knew how he must be feeling. I told him I wasn't going to go get her unless he told me to, and I told him I wasn't going to hassle him about it, that I was just going to say my piece this one and then let him make his decision. But inside, I was furious that a 4yo has to be the "strong" one out of all of these so called "adults" and no one stopped to think of what was best for her. All they wanted was what would make Granny stop crying. I'm sorry, but if that's what they were worrying about, should DH or one of her own sons have stayed with her last night? I told DH he should stay with her, and he told me he could never stay in that house again.
Then again, maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than needs to be made. So far, SD seems to be handling everything well. I think seeing Granddaddy in a casket might make things different for her. But everyone has to face death at some point. I just think things could have been handled better yesterday.
Re: DH's Grandfather Died (long)
I'm sorry to hear about your H's grandfather. Death is always a terrible thing to have to explain to small kids. But it sounds like SD is handling everything alright. Just be ready, because the questions will continue to come at random times as she processes.
I also understand your frustration with how things were handled. Sometimes I think it's easier for me to see when too much pressure is being put on my SD (by IL's, BM, DH, other family) because I am a step removed from them and can see just SD, where as to them she's just a part of the picture.
As long as she continues to seem well adjusted I wouldn't worry. I hope everyone in your family is able to start coping soon. Hugs.
I think you handled it beautifully. I particularly thought you were spot on when you explained that people were sad and would be crying because they loved him so much and would miss him.
I think if SD were stay with granny I'd suggest that either you or DH stay with her. You're right, it's not the little girl's job to make everyone ok but maybe she would be a comfort to her since granny could remember how much her husband loved this little girl.
Maybe it's the field I work in (hospice) but I'm big on normalizing death. Talking about feelings, remembering good times, reminding children that it's ok to be sad or mad are all good things. As much as we hide away death, it's not something that we can escape from.