Northern California Babies

Discussion: Talking to your kids about sex

I know for most of us, we have some time before this will become an issue.  But DH and I discuss this frequently.  Having a daughter has made me more opinionated the issue than DH.

If I had to put an age on the timing of the discussion, I think it will happen around 11.  I clearly remember sexual things happening between the kids that I went to school with around age 12 and there was a girl that got pregnant at my school at age 13.  I hope to give her as much information regarding what sex is and the technicalities involved but I also want to be able to instill upon her the gravity of the decision to have sex.  DH thinks 11 is way to early to have this type of discussion...and maybe he is right. 

I have no idea how I feel about the whole concept of putting my kid on birth control as a teenager.  Is it better to wait until she asks for it (and hope that she never does!), or is it better to offer it as an option-and if so, at what age?

My mom never talked to me about sex except to say that I wasn't ready for it.  This was really not helpful and in some ways, I think, damaging. 

Thoughts/opinions/personal experiences?

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Re: Discussion: Talking to your kids about sex

  • Yah, this is a hard one. From what I see with my little cousins, I say start as young as possible.

    I remember talking about sex and babies and periods as early as third grade with my Mom. I also had older cousins and they were very open with sharing information, so I had LOTS of questions.

    My Mom was pretty open and I knew I could ask her stuff, but I was always embarassed. Having those older cousins to talk to was helpful for me.

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  • I'm going to try to do it when she is ready - when I see the signs (which I hope I would).  With the stories that my sister tells me about her 4th grade girls, I've very afraid. 

    I wonder when (or if?) schools have the whole health/sex ed talk?  Permission slips and all of that?  

    Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
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  • imageSweetieP:

     

    I wonder when (or if?) schools have the whole health/sex ed talk?  Permission slips and all of that?  

    I bet schools don't touch that subject anymore.

    I remember sex-ed in 5th grade, but my mom talked to me about it before that.

  • imageSweetieP:

    I'm going to try to do it when she is ready - when I see the signs (which I hope I would).  With the stories that my sister tells me about her 4th grade girls, I've very afraid. 

    I wonder when (or if?) schools have the whole health/sex ed talk?  Permission slips and all of that?  

    Ours was 5th grade, 10 years old.  I know my cousin was asking questions at 9 years old though and my aunt got a book at the library to go through with her chapter by chapter (except, she told me, she skipped the chapter in said book on masturbation b/c she thought that one was alright to just leave alone).

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  • Yeah - my mom talked to me about it after the 1000 time I asked her about the commercial for tampax.  Around 3rd or 4th grade.
    Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
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  • I plan to talk to her about it early and often-probably around 3rd or 4th grade.  My mom didn't talk to me or my sisters about ANYTHING having to do with our bodies and/or sex and I remember being really confused and angry with her about it.  Not to mention ashamed.  As a result I never felt comfortable sharing anything personal with her the entire time I was a teenager, which is the exact opposite of what I want for my daughter. 
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  • imageSweetieP:
    Yeah - my mom talked to me about it after the 1000 time I asked her about the commercial for tampax.  Around 3rd or 4th grade.
    Ha!  I remember my grandma telling me not to worry about tampons b/c I couldn't use them anyway until after I had a baby.

    Confused

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  • imageStefandTodd:

    (except, she told me, she skipped the chapter in said book on masturbation b/c she thought that one was alright to just leave alone).

    But that's the most important part, IMHO.  If you don't know how your own stuff works then how are you going to be able to understand how it works with someone else.

    My Mom & I had several talks.  I didn't get Sex Ed in school until 7th grade I think.  We may have gotten a basic physiology in 5th, but I had been talking with my Mom for ages before that.  The most mortifying part for me was having the talk about being sexually active.  It felt like I was being interrogated for exactly what was going on & to me it was a huge invasion of my privacy.  I never talked about sex with my Mom after that until well into adult-hood.

  • I think 11 is a good age, considering how young kids are these day when they start engaging in activity. 

    My mom was very open with us about sex, from an early age.  I had a book about how babies are made. It was a children's book that I thought was pretty funny. My mom had her own negative experiences with sex as a young teenager and I am really thankful that she shared them with me. I was 14 when I started sleeping with my boyfriend. MAYBE my mom thought that I was too young, but I am sure she also knew that she wasn't going to be able to keep me from doing it, so we talked about it, she took me to Planned Parenthood. 

    If she hadn't been open and honest in the first place, I wouldn't have felt like I could go to her at that time.  

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  • I'm a little nervous about this whole topic in regards to parenting.  Just b/c I think it's so important and I don't want to somehow give my kid an hangups or weird attitudes about sex.  I want him to have as healthy a future as possible -and that includes a healthy outlook when it comes to sex.  And sometimes the weight of that is a bit much, lol. 

     Anyway, I believe that it needs to be an ongoing discussion that is age-appropriate and lead (as much as possible) by the child.  Right now, there isn't really any "sex discussion" but we do make sure that J knows (and uses) the proper words for his genitals.  When he inevitably asks we'll tell him an age-appropriate version of where babies come from.  And when/if he asks about sex (hopefully not til he's, like, 27 or thereabouts) we'll be as open and honest with him about it as we can.  Hopefully we'll always have an environment for him where he feels like he can come to us with questions about anything.  And that includes sex, drugs, whether he should sign up for baseball or soccer, etc.  We're hoping for an ongoing dialogue with him about... pretty much everything.  That's the hope, anyway. 

  • imageMrs_Shmoopie:

    I'm a little nervous about this whole topic in regards to parenting.  Just b/c I think it's so important and I don't want to somehow give my kid an hangups or weird attitudes about sex.  I want him to have as healthy a future as possible -and that includes a healthy outlook when it comes to sex.  And sometimes the weight of that is a bit much, lol. 

     Anyway, I believe that it needs to be an ongoing discussion that is age-appropriate and lead (as much as possible) by the child.  Right now, there isn't really any "sex discussion" but we do make sure that J knows (and uses) the proper words for his genitals.  When he inevitably asks we'll tell him an age-appropriate version of where babies come from.  And when/if he asks about sex (hopefully not til he's, like, 27 or thereabouts) we'll be as open and honest with him about it as we can.  Hopefully we'll always have an environment for him where he feels like he can come to us with questions about anything.  And that includes sex, drugs, whether he should sign up for baseball or soccer, etc.  We're hoping for an ongoing dialogue with him about... pretty much everything.  That's the hope, anyway. 

     

    Well said!  I think it has to come in stages... rather than one big "talk" it should be an ongoing dialogue. I could see 11 as an appropriate age to talk about sex and relationships, but a girl would certainly need to understand periods well before then (maybe 9?) to be sure she isn't taken off guard when it happens to her, and to start understanding other puberty-related changes that may be happening, if not to her but at least those around her. 

     

    I was around 5 when I learned about where babies come from, and while I don't think I needed to learn quite that soon, it did keep me from believing anything other kids said - I was always the expert correcting them, lol. Then I was about 10 when my mom bought me a comprehensive book about puberty & sex, and read me the first chapter aloud (highly embarassing as I recall, but at least I didn't have to make eye contact!)  But that was pretty much the end of it, because I didn't really date until I was 17/18, and not seriously till I was in college, and I think they felt I was ok making decisions on my own.  Which I was, but I think I would be more proactive throughout the adolescent years with my kid(s).


  • I used to teach sixth grade and one of my all time favorite moments involves sex ed. The sixth graders had just had the baby making talk, I knew this ahead of time. They walk in silent, completely unusual for this particular class. Then one girl busts out with, " EWWWWWW. OMG. Me, my brother....ewwww my parents had sex TWICE." I still die thinking of that moment and the look of shock on her face. 

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  • imageSmuches4u:
    imageStefandTodd:

    (except, she told me, she skipped the chapter in said book on masturbation b/c she thought that one was alright to just leave alone).

    But that's the most important part, IMHO.  If you don't know how your own stuff works then how are you going to be able to understand how it works with someone else.

    This was about 8 years ago that she had the talk with her then-9 yo, but I actually agree with you sorta.  There was a doctor on Oprah not too long ago talking about how mother's should talk to their daughters about masturbation b/c if these young girls know what is happening to their bodies when they're in those intense make out sessions with boys, etc they're less likely to let it consume them, or to believe they need the boy to make them feel like that.  The doctor encouraged women to buy vibrators for their teenage daughters.  Not 100% sold on that idea for me, but can appreciate where she was coming from with it.  I think at the time, my aunt just thought she'd figure that part out, and didn't really make any connection to masturbation and how it might impact someone having actual sex at a young age.

    I feel like this board talked about that Oprah episode when it was first on...but this was 2 or so years ago...

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  • imagescrapmama2201:
    I used to teach sixth grade and one of my all time favorite moments involves sex ed. The sixth graders had just had the baby making talk, I knew this ahead of time. They walk in silent, completely unusual for this particular class. Then one girl busts out with, " EWWWWWW. OMG. Me, my brother....ewwww my parents had sex TWICE." I still die thinking of that moment and the look of shock on her face. 

    2 boys = Daddy's job.
    LOL, my aunt said when my cousin put 2 and 2 together, she just wanted her mom to reassure her that when they made her little brother, she wasn't in the same house.  She insisted that if her parents wanted to have sex, fine.  But just not while she was home.  She was really like, "please mom, promise you won't while I'm here!"  bwahahaha...
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  • Most kids will usually ask about babies and I think that's a perfect opportunity to introduce the topic. Then revisit the topic as needed as they grow.

    I guess I kind of just plant to follow what my parents did. We were taught from very early on to call all of the private parts by their correct names and we knew where babies came from.  Then when I was around 10 or 11 my mom sat me down and had a talk with me about periods and sex although it mostly about the changes my body would going through and I was allowed to ask any questions I wanted. Then as I got older it came up again here and there. We had a pretty open relationship with my parents so none of that was every a mystery.

    ETA: I was also given the What's Happening To My Body Book for Girls. I was completely embarrassed to be given the book but I pretty much read all of it. :0

     

     

  • I'm really going to try and take a different approach with DD then my parents did with me. I was sexually abused as a child, and have had to talk to a counselor about my anxiety and feelings that have already started with DD, even though she is only 2.

    I have a couple of books, mostly on how survivors can cope with teaching this topics to their kids. My approach will be to answers questions as they come up. . I'll be open to answering any question honestly, whenever we are talking about it.

    I'd like to have several talks with her, but not really force the issue. Maybe even before the school year starts. I'm sure her questions are going to change every year.

    My mom put me on BC for various reasons, some were even medical related, but I'm sure it was mostly because I had a boyfriend. I'd like DD to go on BC in high school and will probably offer it as an option between her freshman and sophomore year. I hope that by offering DD the option, we can have some kind of conversation of whats going on with her body at that point too. And if not with me, she can have it with her Dr.

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  • Have "the talk"? Pretty early, I'm sure. Before 5th grade, definitely before 7th grade!

    Sex in itself isn't that huge of  a deal to me. The safe sex aspect is the biggest part, but if my daughter decides to have sex at 14 or 25, it's not going to make a big difference as to who she is, or something negative. I want her to be safe, and I'd really like her to not get pregnant. Same for DS, except I'd rather him not get someone pregant. I'm more nervous about that. I can get DD on birth control, I can't control who DS has sex with. I will teach them it's a special thing between two people, and once you have sex you can't go back to just holding hands...but I won't be terribly bothered if she starts having sex at an early age. 

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  • I've had several talks with my older boys already, they're 8 and 10. The first time was when I was pregnant with my third, when they were 4 and 6. Just a basic "where do babies come from" thing. I actually just read them a children's book. I was a little nervous and almost skipped the pages with more details but I went ahead and read it all to them. They weren't particularly interested which was a relief! Since then we've had more talks, mostly about puberty, but a little bit about sex, sexuality, and safe sex in particular. That came up after one of their friends showed them a condom he took from his parents' room and told them it was something people used to MAKE babies. Aye yi yi.

    Anyway, I don't find the talks to be uncomfortable or awkward anymore at all. I let the kids ask questions and I give them the most straight forward, honest answers that I can. It's important to me that they don't feel any shame about their bodies or about sex or sexuality. I also want them to have a healthy view of women and their bodies so we discuss those issues as well. Not just biology, but other issues women deal with (misogyny, oppression, harassment, etc.) Someday they might have girlfriends or wives or daughters and I want them to understand women and respect them. Which is why I don't leave the talks to my husband alone. They need to know how to talk with women about this stuff.

    I do have boundaries though. I think parents should just give answers and information, and then let them make their own choices. I have no desire to get involved in their sex lives or know anything more than I have to know. I also don't think parents should talk to their kids about their own sex lives. That's private info that they'll never be privy to. I don't know anyone who wants to think about their parents having sex anyway, but if it did come up during one of our talks I would let them know that it was too personal. I think that's another valuable lesson kids need to learn, that they don't have to and really shouldn't ever talk about their sex lives with anyone outside of their sex partners and their doctor.

  • BTW, this site is a good one for teens. Very factual.

    https://www.scarleteen.com/
  • I think it's little bits at a time. We addressed little things as they came along, such as body parts and periods and where babies come from, and very brief discussions about what sex is around 8 (I think). The talks about sex specifically relating to her and her choices happened a couple of years ago, around 10 or 11, and will continue forever even if she rolls her eyes :-P I make sure to try and talk about what her friends may or may not be doing too.

    When it comes to birth control, I'm hoping that she'll feel like our relationship is open enough to talk to me about it, but around 15 I'll probably give her some condoms along with a "This doesn't make it okay, but if you're going to do it be safe speech". My dad had a roommate that had a teenage daughter (14 or 15) when A was little. She liked me and confided in me that she was having sex with one of the neighbor boys (without protection because she thought for some reason - I forgot what she said - she wouldn't get pregnant). I gave her a talk and some condoms.

    The whole talk thing really isn't a scary as you think it'll be.... Just relax and take things as they come :-)

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  • I plan to have incremented talks based on age. I remember kids making out behind the handball courts when I was in kindergarten! So I need to talk about what is appropriate versus inappropriate affection before they even start school. I don't expose them to this behavior but you can't control what they are exposed to at school so you have to prepare them for it. Definitely also talk about parts and that it is not okay for other people to touch them. As they get older and more mature, we'll build on those conversations.


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