How did you know?

OKitty

When DH and I decided last week to stop IF treatments and move our priority to adoption, it felt just right. I didn't jump right on the ball, but have spent some time researching, telling people slowly and just thinking about it.

Recently, I haven't felt as certain as I did last Sunday night. We said that our main goal was to have a family to share this love with. We know deep down that a bio child of our own is still a great possibility as neither of us have true IF problems---A + B just does not = C after 2 1/2 years.

I guess I'm not even sure what my question is. I fear that we'll get started with the adoption process and they'll tell us that we're not ready. I fear that I won't be able to love an adopted child like a bio child. I fear that I'll have bio children after adopting and they will become priority. I fear that none of this will work at all, and we'll continue to walk aimlessly through life.

Thanks for letting me ramble. What do you think?

DavezWife

we're doing both at the moment. Mostly b/c I want ONE MORE TRY at staying pregnant, AND we bought into an IVF warranty program, and we either want to exhaust it, or get our money back.  We can't sign with most agencies while cycling, so we put it out there that we wish to do a private adoption via friends/family, etc. Personally, I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle two rollercoaster rides at once. I've had a pretty rough go of it the past 2+ years, with RPL, etc.

How do I feel about it? I don't know. Depends on the day. I have SUCH a strong desire to mother others, I don't care if they're purple with 3 heads. (literally) Give me another child, and I will love it truely and deeply.

I know in my heart something will work, but that rarely pacifies my strong urge for it NOW NOW NOW.

When I'm faced with a major decision, I "make up my mind" and then sit with that decision for a while. See how it fits, see how I feel about. Sometimes that makes me keep my mind, sometimes we change it.

I think your fears and concerns are real, and "normal." (whatever that is) I'm sure others can pipe in what being on "the other side" is all about, meanwhile know you have company stuck in the middle ;-)

GL !

 

PrincessShay80

Well, we don't have any bio children- DD is our only- so I have to say that we don't know how to love any different. For me after my second IVF didn't work I met with my RE again- he said I can get you pregnant, I just don't know how many more IVF"s it will take. At that moment I was done- I left that office knowing I was never coming back and didnt care to.

I feel you have to be 100% commited to the adoption, and if you can't have bio children (which sounds like that is not your problem) you must grieve the loss of your bio children. Our agency took that very serioulsy, espically if they knew you had dealt with infertility.

I can say that there has not been 1 minute that I have looked at DD differently because she's adopted- I would die for her, I would kill for her- you name it I would do it for her, and DH is the same way.

 DH and I try to "follow the breadcrumbs" as we call it. We truly feel that when things are right they are easy- when I called the agency for the first time, they said we are having an orientation in a week- why dont you come to that, we went to that and were able to start classes the week after that, it was just SO EASY and everything was just falling into place. That is how we knew we were doing the right thing.

  I think you will find that once you start the process your heart will be in it, and if it's not that may be a sign that it's not right for you at that paticular time.

MrsKolasa

For me, making any major decision is scary. Our first appointment with an RE, I threw up twice on the way there. That's how nervous I was. Of what, I'm not sure. The information meetings with agencies gave me major anxiety too. I had this horrible vision that they would point us out and tell us we were crazy and to move on. (Yes, I know it's irrational) However, once we started the process, I never looked back. For me it's more the fear of the unknown.

I don't have any bio kids, but I do have a stepson that I've been raising since he was 16 months old. I will tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't love my children one bit more than I do. I would do literally anything for them. I was terrified that I wouldn't love a baby that I adopted as much as I love my SS. I've gotta say, it was full blown mama type love in an instant. It actually surprised me how fast and how much I loved him.

I am a firm believer that if you want something to work badly enough, you can make it happen one way or another. Please don't lose hope or be discouraged. I've been where you are, and as cliche as it sounds, if that's what I had to do to get my Luke, then I'm ok with that. This is the perfect board for rambling. Ask anything you need to.

 

AuburnBride06

I agree w/ all three of ladies & can relate to what each of them said. We had 5 m/c's by the time we had decided to adopt (December 09) after doing many, many IF treatments. The losses were devastating, we've lost so many babies. My second loss was our twins and the third loss was our triplets. We had a chemical pregnancy in November 09 after losing the trips in July and we had had it. Treatments/pregnancy held zero hope for us & all it was doing was making us (mainly me) more and more bitter & hateful. I had almost let it destroy me & our marriage. So we decided on our drive to our vaca that we would adopt. We did 1 more cycle in march '10, which is when we got our adoption process started. I actually had a monitoring appointment & a home study all in the same week. We mainly did that last cycle bc I had had surgery that January and figured we give it a go. Neither one of us were invested or the least bit interested. Not excited about it at all. We were, however, very excited about our adoption. That cycle resulted in m/c #6 and we knew we were finished. Making that decision was like this huge weight had been lifted. We could breathe again. We had hope that we did have a future. It felt like life was actually starting to move for us.

I love my baby more than anything in the world. It does not matter one shred that I did not carry him. He is the most amazing little person & we know that we could not have made something half as cool. It took me a while to understand, but biology & "growing" a baby are the very, very least of what makes someone a parent. We loved him & would die for him the minute we laid eyes on him (we were in the room when he was born). We have friends who we love just as much as family, and it does not matter at all that we are not blood related. Blood & genetics don't guarantee love, sadly. It would be a better & safer world if they went in hand, but they dont. He is our son in every sense of the word.

I would not change our journey, as heartbreaking as it was, because it led us to our perfect baby. I would do all of it all over again if it meant I still had him. But we also needed to do all those treatments & keep trying because it was our way to grieve & eventually heal. We knew we could close the door & never look back.

kgs0505

In addition to what everyone else said, i would suggest reading "Adopting after Infertility".  It's a bit outdated, but the first section really helps you sort through your feelings of loss. 

I also had no diagnosis, yet was never able to get pregnant even with multiple treatments.  We just brought home our son almost a month ago, and he is definately our baby.  I wouldn't trade him for anything!  He is my son and I don't even think about how I didn't carry him myself.  Do some more research, take your time, and you will do what's best for you when the time is right.  We started researching adoption a full year before we were ready to go live ith our agency.

OKitty

Thanks for the replies ladies. I agree that it may just take some time to come 'round. I'm not sure how to mourn the "loss" of our fertility, when it seems like it should still and could still happen someday. I don't know how to be open to both adoption and pregnancy (myself) at the same time.

I think I can hear myself asking for more time to think about it all. Hmmm, now to convince the hubby. :P