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Single Parents
gy86
member
I feel so guilty...
gy86
member
I'm pregnant with my first child, and the father is my boyfriend/best friend/partner person of 5+ years. However, we are unmarried, not living together, and I don't own a home. I'm 24, have a good full-time job with promotion potential, have earned my college degree, good credit score, etc. I love kids, have worked with them for 15+ years, and have no doubts that I'll be the best possible mommy for my daughter... BUT... I just feel really guilty that the pregnancy was unplanned and my parents' first grandchild will be an "illegitimate" one.
I know that in today's economy the "traditional/normal" timeline of education-> good jobs -> marriage -> buy house -> start family doesn't apply to a lot of families anymore, but I can't help feeling somewhat awful about my situation not being as ideal as it could have been.
While I shouldn't be worrying about other people's opinions of me, it's important that I can embrace my pregnancy and be proud of my daughter without having those sinking feelings of "crap, one more unmarried mother making more kids in this world" and wondering how the hell I'll ever become a homeowner, invest enough for retirement, and save for my daughter's education.
Is this just a normal thought process? Does anybody else find tears welling up in their eyes because they've "screwed up" by some set of standards, regardless of how legitimate said standards are and why we should even care about them...? Part of my problem might be that I've terminated some previous pregnancies, so maybe I just automatically default to the "this isn't the right time/circumstances aren't right" mindset regardless of my actual ability.
I guess this isn't so much of a question as it is a vent. Sorry...
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Re: I feel so guilty...
This was exactly my train of thought. I never felt I got to celebrate my pregnancy because i was too worried about being judged. I kind of considered my bump to be my own scarlett letter. I regret not embracing it sooner and being more happy all along. I know there are a lot of stressers you are about to face, but somehow you will just make it work. I never thought I could have done half of the things I can do now. It's a power unlike any other!
If you are, at all, like I was you will look back at your worries about what is "traditional or normal" and wonder why you even cared when that LO is here.
I was in the same position as you, and I used to feel that way. We were unmarried and not living together, and had been together 5 years as well. We decided to move in together to raise our daughter, and things were okay but we were more like roommates than partners. After our 2nd LO was born, he ended our relationship to go "find himself" and I moved out with a newborn and a toddler.
As soon as I got over all that and realized I could provide for my kids alone better than if I were with him, something clicked and I became the most proud single mom. I celebrated every little triumph with my little family, and I no longer felt like I had screwed up by "doing it wrong." I landed a new better job, bought a better car, and closed on my house a year to the day my ex kicked us out, all on my own. SO proud
Two years later I have an even better job and I'm finally able to save for my retirement and LO's education.
It's all how you perceive your situation, you can still do everything you want. My little brother and his fiancee are "doing it right" with a big wedding first, then a house probably, THEN the family... but I don't feel like I "did it wrong" anymore because I see now it is totally right for us.
PM me if you want, our situations seem very similar
I know exactly how you feel. X and I were separated at the time I got pregnant just sleeping together (obviously) and my family knew nothing about it. It was very difficult for me to tell them about it but in the end, we're all happy. At some point and I can't remember exactly when, I realized that I needed to step back, look at my situation and enjoy being pregnant. Things have gotten better x10000 and now I hold my head high when people ask about my situation.
Just always keep in the back of your mind that life is what you make of it. If you run around feeling guilty and sorry for yourself, you'll go nowhere. Do what you have to do and be the best mom you can be.
Here's our current timeline:
start college-->dating-->engagement-->KTFU-->FI staying in college/I take my leave from my dead end job/school for a couple months then go back to work-->wedding-->FI graduating-->him finding a decent job-->I go back to school-->buying a house.
We're trying to accomplish all this within the next 2 years (currently in the KTFU stage). I'm actually less concerned with people seeing my kid as illegitimate than with people seeing my wedding as white trash or shot-gun. I actually broke down and cried to my dad about people seeing me as some lesser person for getting married after the baby (even though we got engaged and set the date before getting pregnant). He just told me I need to quit worrying about it, and that no one attending my wedding will think it's trashy. Sometimes we just need to swallow our pride and be happy with how we are now, not the fantasies we've created in our minds. Think, you've got a good job and a college degree, no one's going to think you're just one of "those" moms. Be happy that you can provide for your child now, and you are able and willing now, and take it one day at a time.
Don't feel so bad. I followed a more traditional timeline, and I'm still right here!!
Dated, engaged, married (didn't move in with XH until then), finished school, got job, had baby #1, got pregnant with baby #2, moved into "real" house (we owned our first home but it was too small for a family of four)... Then, somewhere in between our housewarming party and the birth of our daughter, XH decides to leave me for some skank. Divorce! Two homes! Split parenting time!
Don't worry so much about what should or shouldn't be or what people will think - life never quite goes according to plan anyway. Enjoy your pregnancy - it sounds like you're in a good place in your life anyway.
hey look at me- college, job, dating, engaged, married, dog, baby, divorce.
the end.
so i think it's not how you get there, or in what order, it only matters how you live your life as a good honest person and a good mama.
and f*ck the judgers! seriously.