Vent and pity party - may be long sorry

chargermama

Don't hate me or judge me based on this post - I am just having a bad month.... I posted earlier about my amnio and anatomy scan and the preliminary sex of baby as girl.  Below is my vent and pity party...

I just got a call from the Dr. about my amnio results.  They look great - so that is a big YAY. 

BUT.... both DH and I were so hoping for a little boy this time around and the results just confirmed 99.9% sure that it is another girl.  I am sad but thankful to be having a healthy baby.  DH is going to be devastated.  We were told with 85% certainty after the u/s that is was a girl but there was still a shimmer of hope until the amnio results came back.  Earlier today I was trying to talk to him about the baby and he said that he did not want to discuss anything about the baby for a week.  I was heartbroken.  I know he is sad and so am I but please DON"T blame me for something I have no control over.

Here is a brief back story about how we got pregnant... because we were not trying, but we were not using anything other than VCF and rythym method for protection.  Anyway.  I did not have a period for 60 days and I had a cyst on my left ovary so the DR prescribed progestrone to make my period start.  I took the 7 day dose in early December and we had sex 2 times in that month - both times I used VCF and I was charting and it showed that I was not "fertile"  but when you don't have a period for 60 days your body gets totally JACKED!  Anyway no one told me that maybe the progestrone would cause me to be more fertile or whatnot.  So low and behold I got a BFP in January and was SHOCKED, scared, surprised, etc. 

Now Dh is blaming me for this unplanned addition to our family and before we knew the sex he was somewhat ok with it because he hoped and hjoped that it would be a boy (and the CBC - said it would - LIAR)...   so now he keeps making snide comments about how I should be happy because I am getting what I want and he didn't have a say, etc... I just want to cry.

WWYD - I am going to give him his space and let him be whatever he wants or needs to be for a week and then I think I will tell him he needs to buck the F up and accept this no matter what - because it takes two!

misjenn

First of all I can understand being disappointed if you were hoping for a different sex but seriously your husband sounds like an @ss. Does he know how many people would take ANY baby girl, boy, handicapped or other. Here is an idea if he doesn't want any more "additions" to the family then he shouldn't have sex. I am sorry you are having to put up with such a jerk when you should feel supported and happy. Your baby is healthy and you will love her no matter what.

BTW I wouldn't give him a week. I would tell him to sack up and be a man and started acting his age because he is a father and he needs to put the selfishness aside for you and this baby you are carrying. 

Good luck.

thethomps

I would say that you should give him some time to cool down and come to terms that you are having baby girl #3 but I would draw a line at him blaming YOU for getting PG.  I'm sorry, but if you are not using birth control, there is always a chance that pregnancy could occur.  And if he was OK with getting busy...well, he needs to accept the "consequences" of that.  Honestly, I am having a hard time not being angry with him on your behalf.  I understand that he really wanted a boy but you have a healthy baby and there are people on this board who would give their right arm for that.  At some point, yes, he is going to need to buck up and get over it.  Sorry - life doesn't always go exactly the way we want or plan and we just have to roll with it.

abh1977

misjenn:

First of all I can understand being disappointed if you were hoping for a different sex but seriously your husband sounds like an @ss. Does he know how many people would take ANY baby girl, boy, handicapped or other. Here is an idea if he doesn't want any more "additions" to the family then he shouldn't have sex. I am sorry you are having to put up with such a jerk when you should feel supported and happy. Your baby is healthy and you will love her no matter what.

BTW I wouldn't give him a week. I would tell him to sack up and be a man and started acting his age because he is a father and he needs to put the selfishness aside for you and this baby you are carrying. 

Good luck.

Well said.  As someone who can't get pregnant and is rapidly going through our savings to change that, I have a hard time not using a lot of choice words about your husband.  It's hard to even comprehend this.

 I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

rssnlvr

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

chargermama

Thanks ladies.

I told him a year ago after I had issues with Mirena and the nuvaring that I was DONE being the responsible one and that if he did not want anymore kids HE needed to do something about it... well as you can see he hasn't/ didn't/ blah blah blah...

Why do the vast majority of men just think that automatically the woman HAS to be responsible for BC???

CollieJade

thethomps:

I would say that you should give him some time to cool down and come to terms that you are having baby girl #3 but I would draw a line at him blaming YOU for getting PG.  I'm sorry, but if you are not using birth control, there is always a chance that pregnancy could occur.  And if he was OK with getting busy...well, he needs to accept the "consequences" of that.  Honestly, I am having a hard time not being angry with him on your behalf.  I understand that he really wanted a boy but you have a healthy baby and there are people on this board who would give their right arm for that.  At some point, yes, he is going to need to buck up and get over it.  Sorry - life doesn't always go exactly the way we want or plan and we just have to roll with it.

Exactly all of this!

I'm sorry your DH is being an a$$.  Mine is very moody and gets his shorts all in a bunch about stuff all the time so I know how maddening it can be when they act like petulant children about stuff that no one has control over.  This sucks, and I'm sorry your having to put up with his attitude.  Hopefully it's just that he's having a particularly hard time processing all of this, and he'll come around. 

emabend

This is one of the reasons I am no longer married to the father of my sweet beautiful daughter.  He too was "devastated" to learn we were having a healthy baby girl.  I know how hard your situation is and I wish I had some great advice but I don't.  I tried almost a year of marriage counseling and came to the conclusion the guy I had married was pretty messed up for a multitude of reasons.

2H2L

misjenn:

First of all I can understand being disappointed if you were hoping for a different sex but seriously your husband sounds like an @ss. Does he know how many people would take ANY baby girl, boy, handicapped or other. Here is an idea if he doesn't want any more "additions" to the family then he shouldn't have sex. I am sorry you are having to put up with such a jerk when you should feel supported and happy. Your baby is healthy and you will love her no matter what.

BTW I wouldn't give him a week. I would tell him to sack up and be a man and started acting his age because he is a father and he needs to put the selfishness aside for you and this baby you are carrying. 

Good luck.

This. and ((hugs)) to you. I'm mad for you! I hope he gets his act together before she arrives so she doesn't see or feel him acting that way.

labbielover07

I'm really sorry your DH is acting like a douche.  That would be so hard to deal with.  I hope things shape up and get better at home. 

balihaigirl

I pretty much agree with everything that rssn said.  Also, I wanted to add that my brother acted like a total a** when they found out their 4th child was a girl.  He gave my SIL such a hard time about it.  Within a week, he was over it and was super excited to have a girl all of a sudden and now he loves that baby girl as much as all of his other children.  I hope your DH comes around soon because it makes me sad that you would have to stress about that during a pregnancy -- welcoming a child into the world is an exciting thing and I hope he can start to share in the excitement wtih you soon!

Good luck!

joyco

abh1977:

Well said.  As someone who can't get pregnant and is rapidly going through our savings to change that, I have a hard time not using a lot of choice words about your husband.  It's hard to even comprehend this.

 

We couldn't get pregnant on our own either.  Much money was spent getting our little boys.  If my husband had said ONE DAMN thing about the gender of our kids, I would have made him so he looked like a man and sounded like a woman b/c that sh!t don't fly.  Eff that noise.  You don't get to pick what gender you're having, unless you pay big bucks for testing, so eff his attitude and eff him for even thinking less of you because of it.

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

And obviously, I have no problem refraining from using choice words about your husband.  Sorry.

lovemydog

joyco:

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

this made me laugh out loud.  

agran

abh1977:

Well said.  As someone who can't get pregnant and is rapidly going through our savings to change that, I have a hard time not using a lot of choice words about your husband.  It's hard to even comprehend this.

 I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

ditto word for word... seriously my husband would give anything for just one little girl let alone 3.  You don't always get what you want. 

chargermama

lovemydog:

joyco:

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

this made me laugh out loud.  

This made me laugh out loud too!  Thanks I neededthat!

I think today will be silent treatment day for him so he can REFLECT on his behavior.  Then The pregnant *** in me will rear her head if he doesn't come around.  King Henry I did not marry so I will not let him treat me as if I did.

ditzydi_2000

rssnlvr:

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

This.  Every word.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hopefully, he'll come to his senses next week.  

lovemydog:

joyco:

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

this made me laugh out loud.  

 Chargerdaddy better watch his back or else he might get jumped by a mob of Bumpies.

AmethystBride

ditzydi_2000:

rssnlvr:

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

This.  Every word.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hopefully, he'll come to his senses next week.  

lovemydog:

joyco:

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

this made me laugh out loud.  

 Chargerdaddy better watch his back or else he might get jumped by a mob of Bumpies.

L L CG

chargermama:

lovemydog:

joyco:

He pisses me off.  What's your address so I can punch him in the effing face?  That's just rude.

this made me laugh out loud.  

This made me laugh out loud too!  Thanks I neededthat!

I think today will be silent treatment day for him so he can REFLECT on his behavior.  Then The pregnant *** in me will rear her head if he doesn't come around.  King Henry I did not marry so I will not let him treat me as if I did.

Can I suggest that you not use tactics like the silent treatment or rearing of any heads?  It feels great to be able to scratch that itch when it comes around, I know.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to yell at my DH and tell him what I am really thinking without measuring the consequences of my words, or just to ignore him entirely.  But methods like that don't solve problems.  

You're upset for a valid reason.   Either do what you first mentioned, which was give him some space for a week, and then approach him to talk about it, or try to talk to him about it sooner than that, but the silent treatment is something that should only be attempted if you're in the 7th grade.  

He's not acting like an adult right now, but it won't make the situation better for you to respond poorly, either.   If it were me, I would tell him tonight that I can understand (kind of) his initial disappointment, but he needs to get over it, move on, and get to loving this baby, because he is this girl's father.  I would also be thinking that he should be ashamed of himself for acting this way, but I wouldn't say that.

Congrats on your healthy baby girl, btw. 

bluestreet

rssnlvr:

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

 

ssinca

rssnlvr:

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

rssn  

as if you don't have enough stresses/worries in your life right now.  and LLCG is a much bigger person than me.

AustinMimi

Ditto both Rssn and LLCG. Both make great points. I hope that things turn around soon!

lilrunner

rssnlvr:

Gender disappointment is not rare. I can only imagine how much he was hoping for a boy, and I'm sure this seems like a huge let down on top of the stress of the surprise pregnancy. A week's time to let go of the dream of having a son sounds reasonable to me. Give him some space.

THAT SAID.

If he continues to blame you, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself and remind him that it's the SPERM that determine the gender. Congrats to him on making another daughter. And that if he doesn't want anymore kids after this, be a man and go get a vasectomy rather than taking no personal responsibility at all in responsible birth control (you both should know that rhythm method coupled with irregular periods is bound to fail. At that point, there IS no rhythm.).

So yeah, I'd respect his disappointment in the beginning. And then I'd tell him to effing get over himself.

What she said.