Disappointed, sad, jealous, frustrated vent fest.

Kells926

I just feel so completely alone. My very first IF friend is now the second to last person in our little "group" to get her BFP. I am the last. I now feel like I have no one in this journey. It was her and I 'til the end.

I hate that this horrible process has taken away my ability to be 100% completely happy for my friend. It's sad, this jealousy monster. I never thought I'd feel this way if she got pregnant before me. Then again, with her Dx (low ovarian reserve, 3% chance of getting preg on her own), I never thought she'd get pregnant before me. She took a "break" cycle before starting IUI, and boom. BFP. Really? Really?! No fertility meds, no nothing. I love her TO DEATH, but really world? The one girl I'd never thought would get pregnant before me is now awaiting her second Beta results (first Beta 280 - awesome number ).

We've each had successful offspring (he has a son, I was an egg donor that resulted in a healthy baby boy), I ovulate each month, no LP defect, all b/w and tests - completely normal. Wtf. I mean, WTF? Why?!?

I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone (except maybe those that say stupid things like "stop trying" or those who get knocked up when someone looks at them). I am so sick of this rollercoaster, so sick of trying to figure out what I can "do better" next month. It's exhausting. I want to get off this ride. I want to quit. But that won't get me the baby I so desperately want, so... there's nothing else to do but keep trucking.

I'd like to just completely forget about TTC, but that's impossible. There's doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, infertility support meetings, infertility therapist session. I'm on fertility drugs, I still need to monitor my cycle and CM to make sure we're BDing on the right days. I can't just forget about TTC - it consumes my whole life.

I'm emotionally drained. Thanks for listening. Anyone else need a space for a vent fest? You're welcome to jump my thread.

 

cmyrck

I'm so sorry.  Rough day.  IF is a completely unfair and often quite illogical thing.  I totally understand wanting to have a break, but it follow you around because of the appointments, things you have to do or not do to keep trying to overcome it.  If you come up with way to have a break in spite of it all, let me know, but in the meantime, just keep hanging in there.  You're not alone, no matter how it feels.

Ginger71

I'm so sorry and I wish you lots of luck in your pursuit of your BFP. I know how tough it is....(((hugs)))

I also just want to say that I think it is amazing that you were and egg donor. I am moving onto DE and if weren't form women like you, a baby would never be possible for me.

Best,

Ginger

BeeBee08

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time and you have to go through this.  Don't beat yourself up for your feelings about your bff, I'm sure you are happy for her but it's okay to feel all of those other feelings.  IF can suck it.  I hate that it makes people so upset.  You're definitely not alone here, and I'll be sending T&P for your BFP soon so you and your friend can have your LO's together.

km0426

I am so sorry you are so hurt right now.  I think at some point or another we have all had a tough time feeling truly happy for others around us getting their BFPs, but its not selfishness, its just that we are so stressed and worried about never getting their ourselves and we want so badly to have one of our own to shower all of our love on.  It doesn't make us bad people. I think its natural for us to feel some sadness, but it doesn't mean we aren't happy for our friends/family deep down. I am sure your friend also understands how you must feel as she was also there herself... Hang in there!  Your dreams will come true too!

Kells926

Thanks Ginger. And if you do move on to using an ED, make sure everyone is completely on the same page as far as contact afterwards, if a baby were to be born. My IPs (intended parents) dropped me like a bad habit as soon as they got their BFP, regardless of the fact that we had said we'd have limited contact. It took me 17 months to even see a picture of the little boy. They misled me.

 

Kells926

Thanks bfarrell - yeah, my body didn't get the memo that we were supposed to get pregnant the same month. Stupid body.

missjulierenee

I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. (((HUGS)))

sterpstra10

((BIG HUGS))  I'm so sorry you're having a rough day.  IF blows and is so draining and soooo unfair.  You are not alone, even though it may feel that way right now.  I wish you loads of luck in your journey for a BFP!

Tanya+Da

I am so sorry. IF sucks and unfortunately, you are not alone. We are here for you.

kzawisl

  I am sorry, hon.  It is so hard to be one of "us", you know? 

And I am gonna take advantage of your invite to vent.....visited the RE yesterday.  Our insurance will not cover any IF treatment, so we're on hold til next year when we can use our FSA...next year feels SO far away!  I call my mom and and on the verge of tears, trying to convey (w/o DH hearing) how upset and disappointed I am that we can't do this THIS year, and she says "(so and so) is pregnant again." REALLY, Mom?  your timing f&**^ing SUCKS.  *sigh* 

Hang in there.  We're all here for you, and unfortunately, we're all in this together!

pennylanehd

Vent away, sweetie.  We are all here for you, so you are DEFINITELY not alone, especially on tough days like this.  IF and life are completely unfair, huge (((hugs)))!

06hoky

I'm really sorry.  I just had a similar situation when a friend of mine got pregnant the month before she started IVF.  I thought for sure I was going to get pregnant before her.  They haven't been trying as long as me either and it just feels like a punch in the stomach when someone gets pregnant.  And it's even more annoying when it was a natural cycle just before starting treated cycles. 

cheryl1972

So sorry you're feeling this way....hope your weekend is better....