NBR: My friends marriage is falling apart

supermom83

edited to delete sensitive info

walter7878

As someone who has been divorced, I can tell you there isn't much you can do but be there for her. If she isn't ready to go to counseling, going isn't going to do her any good. You can tell her she should go until she's blue in the face, but really, she's got to make that decision on her own.

Tell her you're worried about her and ask her what you can do to help. And listen to her any time she wants to talk.

ashleah83

Do you have a relationship with her husband? If you do perhaps you could reach out to him and say that you've had the sense from friends things have been tough and you suggested counseling but that she didn't seem open to it, and that you wanted to suggest the same to him. Just don't give any details about what she has talked to you about because he could be mad she's talking about problems, and let him know you support both of them and their marriage and know that being pregnant is hard.  But really you can only do this if you truly have a friendship with her husband.

Otherwise I'm not sure what else you can do.  Your friend is sabotaging her own life. First mistake - letting things get so bad without addressing them that she would cheat.  Second mistake - not recognizing that the cheating meant they needed serious outside help.  You're really nice to try so hard to be non-judgmental.  The truth is when it all falls apart, she'll need her friends more than ever and if you ever were judgmental she might feel unable to turn to you so I think your instincts have been really great. She is lucky to have you.

growingmybun

It sounds like you're being a really good friend and that's the best you can do.

cvl105

ashleah83:

Do you have a relationship with her husband? If you do perhaps you could reach out to him and say that you've had the sense from friends things have been tough and you suggested counseling but that she didn't seem open to it, and that you wanted to suggest the same to him. Just don't give any details about what she has talked to you about because he could be mad she's talking about problems, and let him know you support both of them and their marriage and know that being pregnant is hard.  But really you can only do this if you truly have a friendship with her husband.

 I don't agree with this.  Odds are if she's that close of a friend, you have a relationship with her husband. That doesn't mean you should get involved in their marriage. She confided in you and if I was her and you went to my husband without talking to me about it, I would be livid and never speak to you again.

kimbo1216

I agree with Walter....  If she's not open to counseling, it won't do her or her marriage any good.  I would suggest it from time to time, but not bog her down with it.  All you can do right now is be there for her and keep listening when she needs it.

As for the cheating thing...I know this is going to sound horrible, but telling her husband won't help anything.  It will only make things worse.  Again, I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes, what we don't know won't hurt us.  I say this as someone who as never cheated nor been cheated on.  However, if my husband made a true one time mistake like that, I would NEVER want to know about it because I don't know if I could forgive him.  I told DH this once, and he thought I was crazy.  That is, until we saw it with some friends of ours.  I think he gets what I was saying now.

Also, it doesn't sound like you were thinking about doing this, but I wouldn't talk to her husband.  I definitely wouldn't tell him her secret.  A) It's not your to tell and You wouldn't want to be the reason a marriage ends (at least I wouldn't want to be).  Your friend confided in you.  All you can do now is be there for her and hope things work out.  My recommendation would be to start with prayer.  It sounds like you and she and her family need it right now.

Good luck and keep us posted if anything happens with them.

supermom83

cvl105:

ashleah83:

Do you have a relationship with her husband? If you do perhaps you could reach out to him and say that you've had the sense from friends things have been tough and you suggested counseling but that she didn't seem open to it, and that you wanted to suggest the same to him. Just don't give any details about what she has talked to you about because he could be mad she's talking about problems, and let him know you support both of them and their marriage and know that being pregnant is hard.  But really you can only do this if you truly have a friendship with her husband.

 I don't agree with this.  Odds are if she's that close of a friend, you have a relationship with her husband. That doesn't mean you should get involved in their marriage. She confided in you and if I was her and you went to my husband without talking to me about it, I would be livid and never speak to you again.

I actually do know her husband well. I knew him even before I knew her.  I do not feel like it's my place at all to get involved in their relationship or to talk to him at all. What happens in their marriage is their business and it's not mine. I just want to help her as much as I possibly could as a friend without crossing a line. I realize that being there for her is very important and that is what I am trying to do. I am there for her through thick and thin, even though I do not agree with how she's handling the situation I will not judge her and I want her to feel comfortable coming to me to share her inner most feelings. I would never jeopardize our relationship by going to her husband. It's just not my place.

I just don't know what else to do to help her.  

LaRue86

I would be there to listen, but I would not get involved. Counseling wont do any good if she does not want to go. DH's sister sounds a lot like your friend, minus the kids. She ended up sabotaging the counseling because she wanted out. We just kept our distance and although we do not agree with any of her life choices to this point, we are there to listen when she wants to talk.