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Natural Birth
mommameag
member
Advice needed about uncomfortable Mom being at the birth
mommameag
member
Hey ladies! We had our 35 week appointment today and it went VERY well. We asked a bunch of questions and one discussion was about my family being at the birth.
This is my 3rd baby but first natural delivery and first at a birthing center. My family is very uncomfortable with the idea and obviously not the right people to be my labor support. My Mom has been at all my babies births and we are very very close but i'm so afraid that she will stress me out. My midwife told me that it shouldn't be about not making people feel bad but about creating the best environment for me to get the baby out safely. She says the more relaxed I am, the faster I will dilate and some people get transferred to the hospital because of not being able to relax and not letting their bodies do what it's supposed to do. I know the best situation for me would be my best friend (who is very supportive of natural delivery and will do it the same way when she has kids) and my husband. I would feel extremely guilty if I asked my Mom to wait until the baby is born to come up there and really would like her to be there for the actual delivery but not the labor. I know that I will be able to read her face, see that she is stressed and uncomfortable, and it would make me feel uncomfortable.
My Mom is my #1 support person in life, we are EXTREMELY close, I am her only child, she does so much for me, and we are best friends. The only person I am closer to is my husband.
I need some advice...
Should I tell her how I feel and
1. ask her to wait until the baby is born and then come up there
2. ask her to come once I'm close to delivering and wait in the waiting room until i'm pushing?
3. Ask her to come to an appointment at the birthing center to ask questions, watch The business of being born, and try to get more comfortable with the idea so that she doesn't stress me out and can be there for the entire process. I don't know how I could be in labor and tell my Mom to leave the room because she is stressing me out without truly hurting her feelings though. UGH!
I'm so stuck on what to do and how to go about doing this!
Please... any advice would be VERY appreciated!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice needed about uncomfortable Mom being at the birth
I think if your best friend is going to be in the room, you owe your Mom an explanation BUT I agree with your midwife that you owe yourself making this the best process for you.
I am avoiding dealing with this with my Mom - my situation is similar and I am an only child too, etc. - by saying that husband and I want to enjoy this alone together.
i would definitely be honest with your mom and tell her how you're really feeling. it really is true...you need to let your body relax and do what it's supposed to do without fighting the contractions. we learned all about that in our bradley birthing class and it truly got me through the natural birth process. i think it's a great idea to let your mom get educated on the subject and bringing a third party into the equation might help her see another perspective. GL! natural birth is an amazing experience.
www.mommieswithoutmommies.com
I would express all of this to her and let her make a decision as to whether or not she will be able to give you the support you need during labor.
GL
This... and make sure it is her decision. You could say 'mom, I feel that... blah blah blah.. I am very worried because studies show that, sometimes, when a woman has an unsupportive birth team.. blah blah blah... I WANT you at my birth, but I need you to be, not just supportive, but comfortable with my choices, so, will you commit to.. blah blah blah...'
That way, you have told her how you feel, the reason why it matters, how she can fix it, validated that you want her there, and then left the choice to her.
GL, I know it is hard, but you can do this! Your mom is your best friend, you would tell your best friend how you feel, right? And likewise, if your bf asked you to do something that was important to her, you wouldn't get offended right? I envy such a relationship
your mw is right...the choice you make should be based upon what is best for you and your baby...not about any guilty feelings you might have. I would ask your mom if she is open to learning more, i.e., a tour of the birthing center where she can ask questions, books, business of being born, etc. rather than imposing the material upon her. If she is open to it and it makes a difference. If she takes in the material and still has reservations, then you can use that to help you make your decision. ultimately if you have any reservations about your mom's ability to support you, I would not have her in the delivery room. Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with her and set up a code word so that if at any point her presence is making you uncomfortable, there is no discussion you can just say the code word and mom will understand. I don't know if that kind of arrangement would work for you guys, or if she would be offended or refuse to leave.
I delivered with a mw at a natural birth friendly hospital. although my mom had two natural births over 30 years ago because drugs weren't as common at the time, she was very uncertain about midwives and water birth. I brought her to a "meet the midwives" night at my hospital which ended with a hospital tour, and fortunately it made all the difference for my mom. I think she asked more questions than any of the expectant moms and dads! Still, I had a sit down with her and told her that I needed all the support I could get and that I could not have her sitting off to the side and making comments from the "peanut gallery" if she was skeptical about how my labor was proceeding. I told her that the last thing I wanted us to remember about the birth of this child was me getting upset with her and asking her to leave, and she said she understood. So, hopefully this is something you can work out with your mom, but if you have any reservations, stand your ground and advocate for the birth you want, even if that means she's not there.
Try this first.
You do have take into consideration what's best for you and for your baby. It seems like you're definitely doing that.
I live in NM and my mom lives in FL so this isn't an option for us. She told me that she doesn't really want to be there because she doesn't want to see me in pain and doesn't want to worry about me. After some back and forth (and some yelling), we decided that it would be for her to come out a couple months after the baby is born. (I'm super lucky though b/c my MIL will be coming in from TX to be at the birth.)
This. If you would really like her to be there I would give her this opportunity BUT if you sense that she is saying one thing but not really feeling it I would be assertive and ask her to come in when you call for her (whether this is just before you deliver or afterwards). She is your mother and loves you enough to get over any hurt she may initially feel. This experience is all about you and if you feel at all uncomfortable about anything it WILL affect your labor. Natural labor is different for everyone but I personally wished I was the only one in the room. Even my DH was a distraction to me. Good luck!