Who has done to couples counseling?

thebeadinglady

We are thinking about doing couples counseling before our next cycle because we are having a hard time communicating when bad things happen with our IF journey. Every time something bad happens I fall apart and can't stop crying and I want to talk through everything, all our options. DH just wants to wait it out and see what happens and it seems like he is not emotionally invested in any of this.

Has anyone else done couples counseling? Did it help? Was your DH on board with it or did he need some convincing? 

MBfromBMC

No, but I have been considering it for a different reason:

Right now, DH is still stuck in the anger phase at the unfairness of it all.  The drummer of his band is having an unplanned baby in August with his girlfriend of seven months.  Lots of people around us are getting PG and DH is still angry and resentful sometimes. 

I, on the other hand, am sad, but I am still optimistic and I know that I will be a mom one day, either by PG or adoption.  DH is not ready to move on to adoption yet and I think he is really held back by all of this resentment.

I think adoption is closer in the future than he does because we are OOP and I would rather spend $1000s on a sure thing (adoption) than another risk (IVF). 

Would your DH be open to it?  I think mine would fight me about going...

thebeadinglady

MBfromBMC:

No, but I have been considering it for a different reason:

Right now, DH is still stuck in the anger phase at the unfairness of it all.  The drummer of his band is having an unplanned baby in August with his girlfriend of seven months.  Lots of people around us are getting PG and DH is still angry and resentful sometimes. 

I, on the other hand, am sad, but I am still optimistic and I know that I will be a mom one day, either by PG or adoption.  DH is not ready to move on to adoption yet and I think he is really held back by all of this resentment.

I think adoption is closer in the future than he does because we are OOP and I would rather spend $1000s on a sure thing (adoption) than another risk (IVF). 

Would your DH be open to it?  I think mine would fight me about going...

I am honestly not sure if he would be open to it or not. I think it depends a lot on how much it costs. If insurance covers most of it I think he would go along with it to make me happy, but if we would be OOP for the entire cost than I think he will fight me tooth and nail. 

You and your DH sound similar to me and my DH on the adoption front. I see adoption as being six months down the road. He sees it as being years away, if ever and usually doesn't even want to talk about it. It is another one of the reasons I want to go to counseling. We have to talk about adoption, and I want to do it before we make it through the last two IVFs.  

Edwina.McDunnough

Just wanted to give you hugs.

amy1004

I am sorry that you are at a point that you have to think about this.  DH and I are very concerned about the effect of IF on our marriage.  He has mentioned wanting to go to a counselor but I honestly don't have time at the moment.  (I am finishing up grad school; took on more than I can handle.)  I want to go and I think it is better to go before any problems might arise.

We don't want to work so hard to have a child and then split up.  Our marriage is fine now and we want to make sure that it stays that way. 

MoFree

My DH and I have been in counseling for a while, for in Chicago and now in Arizona.  First, we come from very, very different backgrounds and with completely different parenting styles and expectations.  Even if IF were not a factor, the cultural/economic/religious differences would be sufficient reason for counseling.  He was raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, where therapy is a way of life, so he was very, very open to it.  I am fortuante that DH not only was open to counseling, he goes willingly and also has gone for individual sessions.

To answer your question, it has helped us tremendously.  In fact, I think it is fair to say our relationship might be in jeopardy had we not seen a counselor.  GL to you and I hope your DH comes around.  It will be the best thing for your relationship.

MBfromBMC

thebeadinglady:

MBfromBMC:

No, but I have been considering it for a different reason:

Right now, DH is still stuck in the anger phase at the unfairness of it all.  The drummer of his band is having an unplanned baby in August with his girlfriend of seven months.  Lots of people around us are getting PG and DH is still angry and resentful sometimes. 

I, on the other hand, am sad, but I am still optimistic and I know that I will be a mom one day, either by PG or adoption.  DH is not ready to move on to adoption yet and I think he is really held back by all of this resentment.

I think adoption is closer in the future than he does because we are OOP and I would rather spend $1000s on a sure thing (adoption) than another risk (IVF). 

Would your DH be open to it?  I think mine would fight me about going...

I am honestly not sure if he would be open to it or not. I think it depends a lot on how much it costs. If insurance covers most of it I think he would go along with it to make me happy, but if we would be OOP for the entire cost than I think he will fight me tooth and nail. 

You and your DH sound similar to me and my DH on the adoption front. I see adoption as being six months down the road. He sees it as being years away, if ever and usually doesn't even want to talk about it. It is another one of the reasons I want to go to counseling. We have to talk about adoption, and I want to do it before we make it through the last two IVFs.  

You're exactly right.  I know that we will have to compromise and come to a decision together, but I don't think he realizes that living childfree is not an option for me and that, as much as I would like to accommodate his wishes, I would be bitter and resentful if he took away my ability to be a mom if it does come to adoption.  It's hard to explain, I guess, but I don't want either one of us to be resentful of the other, and that is why I was considering therapy.  Right now, we are very happy together and don't have any outstanding marital problems, but I don't want any to pop up as a result of IF...  Keep me updated about what you guys decide to do...

Faith722

We haven't, but I have thought about it. I'm sure he wouldn't go easily. We have similar communication issues. I could (sadly) talk about what-if's all day long & he has a much shorter tolerance level for those discussions. While I want to dissect every part of our cycle, he just says to not worry and leave it up to the docs. So our discussions about IF are often one-sided with me doing all the talking and him nodding. We def express emotions very differently.

I do think these issues are pretty common, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. That's why I'm so happy to have you ladies to talk to!

thebeadinglady

MBfromBMC:

thebeadinglady:

MBfromBMC:

No, but I have been considering it for a different reason:

Right now, DH is still stuck in the anger phase at the unfairness of it all.  The drummer of his band is having an unplanned baby in August with his girlfriend of seven months.  Lots of people around us are getting PG and DH is still angry and resentful sometimes. 

I, on the other hand, am sad, but I am still optimistic and I know that I will be a mom one day, either by PG or adoption.  DH is not ready to move on to adoption yet and I think he is really held back by all of this resentment.

I think adoption is closer in the future than he does because we are OOP and I would rather spend $1000s on a sure thing (adoption) than another risk (IVF). 

Would your DH be open to it?  I think mine would fight me about going...

I am honestly not sure if he would be open to it or not. I think it depends a lot on how much it costs. If insurance covers most of it I think he would go along with it to make me happy, but if we would be OOP for the entire cost than I think he will fight me tooth and nail. 

You and your DH sound similar to me and my DH on the adoption front. I see adoption as being six months down the road. He sees it as being years away, if ever and usually doesn't even want to talk about it. It is another one of the reasons I want to go to counseling. We have to talk about adoption, and I want to do it before we make it through the last two IVFs.  

You're exactly right.  I know that we will have to compromise and come to a decision together, but I don't think he realizes that living childfree is not an option for me and that, as much as I would like to accommodate his wishes, I would be bitter and resentful if he took away my ability to be a mom if it does come to adoption.  It's hard to explain, I guess, but I don't want either one of us to be resentful of the other, and that is why I was considering therapy.  Right now, we are very happy together and don't have any outstanding marital problems, but I don't want any to pop up as a result of IF...  Keep me updated about what you guys decide to do...

It's like you are in my brain!

DeputiesWife

Yes, we went for different reasons.  

I will send you a PM.

Just letting you know I'm thinking of you.

boxtonmom1014

My husband and I went to couples counseling a handful of times.

We found it really helpful. Not only having a third party to help us work through areas where we needed to compromise, but it allowed us to talk about things that are sometimes hard to bring up.

It was also really nice to have someone validate how we were feeling. The therapist would say things I've said before, but I felt like coming from someone else, my husband could see it wasn't unreasonable.

She also helped us to focus on the GOOD in our relationship. It's nice to have someone point out to you what you're doing right.

I definitely recommend it. I would suggest trying to find a therapist who specializes in infertility- ours did and it was helpful to have someone who knew a lot about the process and who had had experience with other couples dealing with the same thing.

vanessagorc

We are going on April 8th.  We have attended a workshop together, the one on one counselling is our next step.

It was actually my DH's idea...bc i'm so so stressed.

caityr

(child in post)

We did. It was truly the best thing we have ever done. It was not related to IF (it was before we started ttc but it def was related to having kids) but I think anything that helps you build a stronger foundation is worthwhile. 

psychmusetls

Dave and I went a few years ago because we were dealing w if in totally different ways, we stopped communicating all together.... It was really bad. We even separated for a few weeks. But once we went counseling we realized what was causing the strain. We worked on communicating better and doing more things together (we had done tons together prior, but part of our dealing w if took us in different directions ) and I would have to say we are a better and stronger couple bc of it. And we only went once. It only took us one time to figure things out. So maybe dh could just agree to try one....it might be all you need.