f/u to nanny's husband

fiasco

So I talked to her today and told her it made me uncomfortable that he comes by my house/helps take care of my kids.  She quit!  I am stunned.  I am hysterical and trying to imagine my household running without the best nanny ever!  I was so careful and sensitive about how I told her.  Please tell me I did the right thing!

goodheartedmommy

I went and read your old post, and I think you were overreacting to the husband being there. I mean, I'm not in your shoes so maybe you were getting a weird vibe from him...but yeah, I tend to think maybe you didn't do the right thing. The uncomfortable thing most likely pissed her off.

meagamomma2be

IMO the most important thing is that you put the safety of your kids first.  If you thought he was creepy, he shouldn't be anywhere near your kids. 

Spin313

How did it go down...? What did you say and what did she say (did she immediately quit)? I think since you were getting a bad vibe, it's probably best that you went with your gut but I understand that you're upset and questioning it now.

EastCoastBride

Honestly, I probably would have told you to tell her that it's fine for DH to stop by to see his child, but that you need to ask that when it comes to the care of your kids, you need for her to handle it, not him.

If someone told me they were uncomfortable w my DH, it would make me feel really weird and I don't know that id want to be around that person. I don't doubt your concerns, and I too wouldn't want the DH getting my son up and changing him. But put yourself in her shoes and someone telling you that your DH makes them uncomfortable.

fiasco

Spin313:

How did it go down...? What did you say and what did she say (did she immediately quit)? I think since you were getting a bad vibe, it's probably best that you went with your gut but I understand that you're upset and questioning it now.

I discussed with her in the a.m. that I may have to put her on the books and/or if that's too difficult or costly, bring my kids back to ds's old daycare center.  Her husband was here this morning, gave my son a high five & told him he'd be back to play with him in the afternoon.  So my plan was just to cut my day short so I could let nanny and her family leave @ 3 when her husband was done with work.

But then I stopped home to nurse at lunch and she asked "Did I do something?"  So I said no, you're the best, yadda, yadda, yadda, but there is one more issue...dh & I aren't really comfortable with husband spending so much time over here while we're at work.  I've known you forever so have a level of trust w/ you that doesn't extend to your husband, who I barely know.  I mentioned the bottle feeding and the diaper change, the fact that both dh & I are hyper sensitive because of our jobs, etc.  She seemed to understand but said there was no way she could tell her husband about it because he would be so hurt.

Apparently when her husband got here, both my kids were napping and nanny was crying, so she blurted it all out. When I got home, he and their daughter were in their car, not in my house.  As soon as she left, I sent her an email asking her to please not quit but she responded this evening basically that her hubby is SO upset that out of respect for him, she can't come back.  I don't know why but I just wasn't prepared for this reaction : (

goodheartedmommy

Can you not see that you insulted her, though? You trust her but not her husband? Which means you really don't trust her judgment. I can tell you that I would be very offended if I were her. Of course, it's your right as the parent, but surely you can see why she would be upset and quit. Did you think she'd say "oh, I completely understand that you think my husband's a creep and you don't want him around."?

fiasco

goodheartedmommy:

Can you not see that you insulted her, though? You trust her but not her husband? Which means you really don't trust her judgment. I can tell you that I would be very offended if I were her. Of course, it's your right as the parent, but surely you can see why she would be upset and quit. Did you think she'd say "oh, I completely understand that you think my husband's a creep and you don't want him around."?

I guess I'm being blind or whatever, but I made sure she knew my H and I would be like this with ANY man.  So yes, I stupidly thought she would just be like, ok, he really doesn't need to hang out here.  And by the way, in the same email where she quit, she added that she wanted to make sure this wouldn't ruin our 20+ yrs of friendship.  Is she serious???

LucyPevensie

I don't think you did anything wrong.  She put you in an awkward position by having her husband there so much.  I don't bring my freakin' husband to my job and have him hang around and randomly take on some of my work.  Her husband had NO BUSINESS being in your home.  The VERY occasional visit?  Fine.  Regularly coming by and hanging out with your kids and changing diapers and acting like he's the "second nanny?"  No.

 And the fact that he made her quit makes me think he's an even bigger weirdo. 

LucyPevensie

Follow-Up.. My DH agrees.  It's ridiculous that nanny's husband was hanging out at your house. The guy's either a creep, a perv, or a rude boundary-less idiot.

If the only way to keep him out of your home was to have her quit - then that's that. This situation is just creepy.   Again - WHAT employer is OK with an employee's spouse just hanging around?  And inside your HOME, with your kids?  No.

mavs_girl07

I still think you did the right thing.  If it were me, I would not feel comfortable with my nanny having additional people over to the house while I'm not there.  Regardless of whether it's her husband, her best friend, whoever.  I'm paying you to care for my children, not to hang out with your DH and not to pass your duties on to your DH.  IMO, it's not very professional of her to have him over while she's working.  I don't really see what's unreasonable about that.  And the fact that you got a creepy vibe from him is even more reason not to have him around. 

LoveEeyore

LucyPevensie:

Follow-Up.. My DH agrees.  It's ridiculous that nanny's husband was hanging out at your house. The guy's either a creep, a perv, or a rude boundary-less idiot.

If the only way to keep him out of your home was to have her quit - then that's that. This situation is just creepy.   Again - WHAT employer is OK with an employee's spouse just hanging around?  And inside your HOME, with your kids?  No.

I love the quotes in your siggy on sleep.  I mostly agree with your/DH's response. I think the 20+ yrs friendship and his DC being there muddy the water.  BUT I think the professional boundary was majorly over-stepped.  I keep my sitter even though she's often late or irritates me with personal crap because I am confident that my children are in great hands, but I would not feel comfortable with my kids being cared for by her SO- I didn't interview him for the job.

LucyPevensie

LoveEeyore:

LucyPevensie:

Follow-Up.. My DH agrees.  It's ridiculous that nanny's husband was hanging out at your house. The guy's either a creep, a perv, or a rude boundary-less idiot.

If the only way to keep him out of your home was to have her quit - then that's that. This situation is just creepy.   Again - WHAT employer is OK with an employee's spouse just hanging around?  And inside your HOME, with your kids?  No.

I love the quotes in your siggy on sleep.  I mostly agree with your/DH's response. I think the 20+ yrs friendship and his DC being there muddy the water.  BUT I think the professional boundary was majorly over-stepped.  I keep my sitter even though she's often late or irritates me with personal crap because I am confident that my children are in great hands, but I would not feel comfortable with my kids being cared for by her SO- I didn't interview him for the job.

I'm thinking about what you said but still coming to the same conclusions - let's say you had a job in a store where you were fortunate enough to also be able to bring your child - the store owner would probably frown on your husband hanging around too though, you know?  Even if the store owner had known you forever.  So it's like they were taking advantage of "the boss" not being there and doing whatever they wanted.  It doesn't sound like fiasco was ever consulted or asked, "hey, is it OK if my H comes over for a couple hours on Tuesday?" etc. etc.  They were just kind of doing whatever they wanted, in her home.  That to me shows a certain lack of boundaries, awareness, something.  And no way would I be comfortable with him changing my kid's diapers.  

Now, this guy might not be a perv, he may think he's mister-great-dad and so now he's hurt or whatever.  But they are the ones in the wrong, not fiasco.  From where I sit at least!

And I am glad you like the quotes!  I feel like moms who choose an alternate path to CIO (or who want to but don't even think they're "allowed" to) need support!  

m_and_m

I think as a parent, you have to follow your gut and do what's right for your family. However, if you feel that way about her DH then you *don't* trust her judgment and probably shouldn't have her watching your children. You need to trust your nanny IMPLICITLY.

If somebody told me they were uncomfortable having my husband around their children while in my presence, I would be offended too and likely cut ties with them. I just wouldn't be able to relax and be comfortable around them in the future knowing they think so poorly of my DH. I also think it's strange that the assumption is any man who likes kids is a creep/perv/whatever (not you specifically, just in general).

I'm also a nanny, but we split time between my home and theirs. They checked out my DH as much as they checked out me- background checks, driving records, references. DH thought it was strange, but I didn't give it much thought because I wouldn't want the spouse of a felon helping to raise my kids! Maybe you could do something similar with your next nanny, to ease any concerns? Or put into the employment contract that no other adults are to be in your home without prior arrangements.

lite-bright

I don't think you did anything wrong. And the fact that instead of understanding that it was unprofessional for him to be over there so much, that he threw such a fit that she quit makes me think you definitely made the right choice. 

If it had been a female friend or relative of the nanny spending that much time over instead of her DH, I bet you would've had the same reaction; it's still highly unprofessional (and childcare is her job). There shouldn't be a stranger in your house, taking care of your child, unless you're okay with that person specifically. I wouldn't want a babysitter (adult or otherwise) having friends or relatives over while I'm gone; I would expect a child care center to not allow visitors to change diapers; and I'd expect my nanny to respect my wishes on visitors, too. 

Leila'sMommy

You absolutely did the right thing. Let her be upset about it. You hired HER to do the job, not her husband. Can't follow the rules, you don't keep your job. Pretty simple concept. She should've known better.

You did NOT over react. In any way. Good for you for going with your gut.

NicoleWI

I can't believe people are okay w/ the husband being there. You hired HER, not her husband, so yeah, I think it's weird and you were well within your rights to bring it up. I think she is reacting very unprofessionally by quitting. It's just like if I hired a babysitter and her boyfriend/friend/whatever was spending time at our house while the sitter was there. That's not part of the agreement and she should have had some awareness that having her husband hang out wasn't really okay and that it might become an issue.

I'm so sorry she quit!! What a mess. But you definitely did the right thing if you got a weird vibe from him. Even if I didn't get a weird vibe from him, I still wouldn't have been comfortable with him acting as Nanny II. 

fiasco

Thanks everyone for your input.  I'm just so upset!

Ciconrad

I don't think you did anything wrong and I think you approached her in a totally acceptable way.  You are paying her to do her job.  You get to make the rules as to what goes on in your house and you don't want her husband hanging around half the time.  I couldn't go sit next to DH at his job all day.  Honestly, I think they completely over-reacted and that would validate to me that I made the right decision. She should have at least the courtesy to give you 2 weeks notice to find another nanny.  It stinks right now, but I think you did the right thing.

EastCoastBride

You did what you had to do and I do support you on that.  But in looking at your update- you kind of gave her a double whammy.  First the part about putting her on the books and how that might make it too expensive to continue using her.  So she's already wondering what's going on, what did she do, etc.  She was already nervous and questioning the situation. 

Then you come home and say "oh, by the way, I don't trust your DH". 

Yes, she was unprofessional to bring her DH to work. I'm 100% on board w/ that.  But you didn't say "While you're here at work, I don't feel it's appropriate your DH be here.  This is your place of work.".  You said "I don't trust your DH". 

While you're right to ask that he not be there, I can also fully understand why she was upset and quit.  I do hope she learns a lesson from this, but still - I can understand why she quit. 

 

ABMcKinney

lite-bright:

I don't think you did anything wrong. And the fact that instead of understanding that it was unprofessional for him to be over there so much, that he threw such a fit that she quit makes me think you definitely made the right choice. 

This is what I was thinking too.... it would make me even more uncomfortable that he reacted that way.

wifeandmama

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

How many times do we hear stories about a person not following his/her gut and something bad happening?  Is there a chance he just really likes kids?  Sure, of course!  But the fact that it made you uncomfortable means you 1000000% made the right call.  Your job is to protect your kids and by addressing the issue, you did.  Your nanny is hurt - I understand that.  But to quit seems like a bit of an overreaction.

fromvatobk

You did the right thing.  She's not the best nanny ever.  If she was, she would have understood your very reasonable concern about having someone other than your employee care for your kids while she is on duty.  And, as a mother, she should have understood that you might be uncomfortable with someone you don't know well doing it.  Part of having a nanny is having the ability to have a meaningful communication about important and sometimes difficult things with her so that both of you can feel comfortable discussing what is ultimately best for your child.  If you handled it tactfully, which I'm sure you did, and she couldn't, as a mother herself, understand and respect your position in what is a pretty simple situation, or even offer a compromise that worked for both of you, imagine what would happen if you had a more complicated situation that you needed to communicate with her on for the good of your child.  I've had to fire a nanny tactfully who I also felt was not using great judgment around my son and who we had hired from friends when they moved.  It was a challenging conversation, but worth it because I ultimately ended up with someone wonderful who is mature and professional enough that we can have discussions as needed about anything that relates to our working relationship and my child without any personal feelings getting hurt.  It's the best possible situation for DS and I'm so glad that everything worked out the way that it did.  If I mentioned your situation to her I know she would absolutely say that the husband should not be caring for the kids. Hang in there.  You will find someone great that you will be comfortable with and who will use great judgment that you agree with in caring for your kids!

tmbuchmann

I'm still stuck on she brought her husband to her place of employment, I don't bring my husband to work and have him hang out here all day with me.

If he was there to see his kid then the nanny should tell him to take the kid home and spend time there. Your kids are her responsiblity not his. The thing sounded weird to me the first time I read your post.

MegGary

goodheartedmommy:

Can you not see that you insulted her, though? You trust her but not her husband? Which means you really don't trust her judgment. I can tell you that I would be very offended if I were her. Of course, it's your right as the parent, but surely you can see why she would be upset and quit. Did you think she'd say "oh, I completely understand that you think my husband's a creep and you don't want him around."?

Just because someone is good at caring for my child doesn't mean they make good choices with their personal relationships. Not to mention she didn't hire him. Can you not see that he overstepped his boundaries by getting the child from their nap & changing their diaper?

mavs_girl07

Ok I'm sorry, but I cannot believe you're catching slack from people over this.  She got a creepy vibe from the guy!  Why should she feel comfortable having him around her kids???  There have definitely been times when I've gotten a creepy vibe from someone and chose not to have them around my daughter.  It doesn't mean I have something against male teachers, male doctors, or males in general.  It means that particular male made something in my gut feel "off" and as a mom I have the right to act on that instinct. 

laurenFaith

LucyPevensie:

I don't think you did anything wrong.  She put you in an awkward position by having her husband there so much.  I don't bring my freakin' husband to my job and have him hang around and randomly take on some of my work.  Her husband had NO BUSINESS being in your home.  The VERY occasional visit?  Fine.  Regularly coming by and hanging out with your kids and changing diapers and acting like he's the "second nanny?"  No.

 And the fact that he made her quit makes me think he's an even bigger weirdo. 

I totally agree with this word for word.