Religion Question
So this may be long...DH was raised in a very Catholic family. I am baptized Catholic and we both went to Catholic school. My family did not attend church regularly. DH's family did and and his parents and sisters still do.
We married in the church and, after some subtle pressure, baptized DD when she was 9 months old. DH and I have never attended church together (other than on holidays with his parents) and other than her baptism, DD has never stepped foot in a church. I know this is killing DH's parents.
I've always had a hard time with the Catholic faith--some of its fundamental teachings (i.e. being against gay marriage, homosexuality, a woman's right to choose, priests marrying etc...) go very much against what I believe-which is why I've never been on board with attending church regularly. It just feels too hypocritical to me. DH shares my viewpoints, and we've talked about this a lot, but I know he gets a lot of pressure from his parents about raising DD in the Catholic faith. DH also doesn't see attending church as hypocritical. He thinks that you can take what you want from it and leave the rest. I totally disagree-I feel like it's tantamount to supporting a cause/viewpoint that you are completely against which I can't stomach. It's not like DH is pressuring us to attend church-he's not. But I feel like this is only going to become a bigger issue as our children get older.
Anyone else have similar struggles?
Re: Religion Question
i was raised with no religious views in the home. I attended different chruchs with family friends or with my own friends as i got older. My DH and his brothers went to a catholic church untill they all completed thier confirmations. My MIL has asked many times when our children will be baptised, and the answer is allways the same. When they choose too. plain and simple. I have also reminded MIL that it is a discussion she should have with her son, as it is something he feel strongly about. To him, religon was forced upon. A dogma he could not accept. For me, i am still working out my feelings on what i believe. I see myself with a much more earth centered belief, versus a God who decides right from wrong.
I would sit with DH , have the discussion and let him know you feel a discussion is needed with his parents and family, so they understand where your beliefs are.
We don't have children yet, but our story is similar. I was baptized Catholic, and raised going to church every once in awhile. DH was raised in a very strict Catholic household, attended Catholic school until 5th grade, was pretty much made to go every Sunday until he was old enough to decide (which was about the time we met). I always felt like IL's blame me for him not going to church, although they never came out and said it.
Definitely worried about what will happen when we do have kids (as we are TTC right now). I would want to have them baptized, but we don't attend church ever and I feel like that would be hypocritical. DH's parents would for sure make it a big deal just like they did our wedding (where we ended up getting married in the church just for them basically).
We are not Catholic in any way but DH was brought up super born-again Four Square, it's called... anyway, he has a big chip on his shoulder because his mom is somewhat of a zealot.
Anyway, we go to Lutheran Church, very gay-inclusive, and that was SUPER important to me, very liberal on a few levels, but still a very traditional building and traditional liturgy.
I would shop around and see what you can find outside of the realm of "Catholic". Something is better than nothing as far as MIL is concerned?
If you think it's just too much of an effort than maybe it's not for you. I was not raised going to church regularly but I do now. I definately wasn't raised by heathen or anything we were always told we were Christian, but I appreciate the way my parents really let us find out about that ourselves.
This is a subject I really wish people would broach with all engaged couples- it seems so nonchalant/throw-away when you are young and starry-eyed but once you add kids in the mix, family traditions in the mix, it becomes VERY sticky. Good luck.
I liked Mrs.BoomBoom's analogy, I'm a cafeteria Catholic. I was even very involved at my family parish for a few years after college, eek, I was a catechist (story on it's own). Now, DH is Jewish! Ahhh.
This is what we decided (and one of the reasons we love living so far away from our families), we always said when we dated that we would want our children to appreciate the faith's we were raised in and be able to for his/her decision when they were old enough. Neither of us has our hearts headed either way. DH even practiced Buddhism for a while. What we decided is that we would give ourselves as adults that opportunity as well. We follow traditions as both our cultures are molded by our faiths and we observe high holidays, all in efforts to enrich our child.
In the end we decided, it was our decision, and eventually our child's decision to follow what she chooses. If our families have questions we are open to entertain them. We do let them know that we respect our faiths and what that means to our families and we will follow as we can for our family.
I've been struggling with this too, but I am Jewish, raised pretty conservative. DH is pretty much nothing, Christian to the degree that his family celebrates Christmas and Easter but his family is not religious.
We were married by a rabbi and I think DH sort of wants the kids to have some Jewish background more than Christian (except of course for Christmas). I am not so into it, but i guess I feel like maybe they would want to have some type of information/background in order to make that decision for themselves.
I have not done much but I bought a menorah and I lit candles and sang songs with her on Chanukah. I have not done that in maybe 15 or more years. I also do NOT agree with everything that the Jewish religion purports, and it does pain me a little to support any organized religion but at least they are not quite as rigid as the Catholic church.
HOWEVER< if you go back to the real basic tenets of the Catholic religion, it is about Jesus and what Jesus said and preached, no? And that, as far as I know was pretty good stuff, as it is with Judiasm as well. So if the "Church" had not mucked it all up, those teachings would be worth teaching, you could try to look at it that way but I know it's really really hard. My friend goes to a Catholic church and I have been a few times for rituals and things and it seems very liberal, would imagine maybe there are some others like that around here.
I agree with this-I think for both of us our faith has been something that is constantly evolving which is why we have never really been able to come to a concrete decision as to how we would raise our children one way or the other.
That is a good question and something that we have broached. I think for DH it is either the Catholic church or nothing at all because that is all he knows...
This is how I feel too. After we got married in the church I am the one that actually pushed for us to find a church to attend. I felt like if it was so important to get married in the church (something that DH was adamant about, I couldn't have cared less) then we should make a concerted effort to find a church we could both feel comfortable with. He never really got on board with "church-shopping" and then, well, life just kinda went on. I know his parents think it's my fault that we don't go to church.
I completely agree. And we did. We attended the Catholic "engagement encounter." We met with our priest (DH's godfather who has married and baptized every.single.person in his family) and we discussed it alone between the two of us. I think the problem is that we never really came to a consensus as to how we would raise our kids....because we felt (and feel) so differently and I think faith is something that truly evolves with life. And you're right, we didn't yet have kids and I don't think we could really understand how much priorities/life changes once kids are in the picture. It's like everyone in the famly feels like they have a vested interest in how our children are raised.
This is a good point. I feel like my kids could benefit from the basic teachings...and I sometimes feel like the fact that my parents never really made religion a part of my life contributes greatly to how much I struggle with my faith and ability to buy into the whole organized religion thing.
I am much like you, and while we were married in the church I do feel that attending services on a regular basis is supporting a church that I feel has so many horrible ideals ( pretty much everything you said). DH was raised Baptist but not strongly. My father is an athesist, along with his parents. My mother on the other hand was raised in an incredibly strong Catholic family, her sister almost became a Nun, only stopping short of taking her final vows.
My brother and I went to church with my mom until we were 12 and we each made the decision to stop, except for holidays. In retrospect, I'm glad that my mom took us. It allowed us to have the exposure, learn quite a bit about religion in general and come to our own conclusions and beliefs. I feel like we'd be missing something had we not had that exposure. My brother grew up to study multiple religions fairly intensely.
With our own kids we don't currently do church but plan to find one we like with a good childrens program once they get to be around 5ish. Neither of us are terribly concerned with the foundation of the faith but we do want the kids to learn and make their own decisions.
I think it sounds good that you and DH are on the same page because in reality that is all that matters. I know that it sucks to have to deal with the judgement and pressure from your In-Laws but in the end it's about the decisions that you and DH reach together and you get to decide what is best for your family as a whole.