Bullying/fighting back...WDYT — The Bump
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Bullying/fighting back...WDYT

This is an ethical question sorry. But my nephews stay with us for a few nights each week. Well R, 7 y/o the oldest, has been bullied since school started. He has done everything his family has suggested, ignore, walk away, tell the teacher, talked with parents etc. It gets better for a while, but then he comes home and tells me he was pushed down and tore his pants (most recent), or he was hit, his lunch money has been stolen, someone stole his boots....it goes on and on.  R has PDD-NOS so his communication skills aren't the best, has some odd ticks and has times where he will script TV shows to himself, but hes making it in a regular education class.

Yesterday he was sent home early for punching the other boy, hard. Gave the other boy a black eye after the other boy called R a ret**d. Today R is sitting in in-school suspension room. DH and R's father gave him a high five and told him it was about time he stood up to those boys.

So of course me and DH are debating this for DD when she gets older. Our debate questions.... are you going to teach your child it's ok to fight back in some situations? I think in this situation it was warrented since other non-physical techniques didn't work. But then again, what are we teaching them? Just thought I'd throw this question out there.  

TTC since 6/2003. m/c 9/14/03 8 weeks, 5 chemical pregnancies, mmc 6/04 12 weeks, Michael born sleeping 5/25/05 at 22weeks always our angel, fought ovarian cancer and won, m/c 4/06 5.2 weeks and 7/07 6.6 weeks,Our Miracle baby girl born 4/8/10,mc 12/18/11 at 5.3 weeks, BFP 10/26/12 dating u/s on 11/8/12 showing a strong heartbeat!EDD July 4,2013. RCS on 6/27. Baby boy in NICU for 8 long and scary days before he was able to come home. We are now a happy family of 4

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Re: Bullying/fighting back...WDYT

  • Its REALLY hard to say, since its not my kid and I don't have a kid in that situation yet. I can totally see both sides.. but my gut tells me that I would not encourage my child to be violent under any circumstances.. I think that my DH sees things differently.. he wants to teach eve "self-defense" techniques so that if any boys give her a hard time she can defend herself.. but it makes me uneasy.
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  • It's hard to say what I'd do if my child was in that situation... but I do know that I would under no circumstances high-five him for punching someone.

    Boys will be boys in some regards I guess, and I don't expect Evan to not ever get in a fight (although, I hope he doesn't!) But, I would never encourage it. I mean, if he was getting beat up, I would want him to stand up for himself and protect himself. But if he punched a kid first for calling him a name I would not be happy.

  • Having a child with an ASD myself, I understand what you and family are going through.  I think in this situation, fighting back is not the best approach.  Fact is, as hard as it is to accept, he will be bullied in one form or another all his life :-(  I have put a lot of thought into this in respect to my own family, both DH and myself have many social short comings and most likely would possibly been diagnosed with some form of high functioning autism ourselves if we were kids today.  As an adult I still stuggle a lot with not realizing what I am saying is overly blunt and offensive when I mean it more to be just the truth of the way things are.  So, based on our own experiences, DH and I have decided that our own stratagies of running under the radar and just trying to blend in is the best way to go.  R is going to need to learn life long coping strategies, he can't go punching people when he is an adult when someone is pushing him around ( I don't mean just physically).  I would ask this again on the special needs board, there are lots of ASD parents there.  And one Bumpie, AUNTIE, who knows a LOT about ASD.  She can probably point you in the right direction to some resources (books) that can help you figure this one out!  Best of luck!
  • It is so hard.  I don't think it should be the first response.  But (especially for boys bc I feel girl bullying is usually more verbal and emotional) if ignoring, telling the teacher isn't working, I would encourage my son to fight back physically.
  • Not having personal experience with a child with ASD, I can only imagine the social difficulties they experience. However I plan to teach our kids to not engage in physical violence, with the rare exception of defending themselves from real physical danger. DH would like to enroll them in martial arts not to teach them how to fight, but rather to instill self discipline.
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