Should we tell the inlaws where we are moving??-kind of long

Sammysu

My inlaw situation is quite HORRIBLE to say the least! They have done horrible things against us and to our kids and I have a real hard time in dealing with them obviously. Also, DH's sister has some crazy hold over their parents and what she says to them goes. Well, of course she doesn't like any of us and doesn't want anything to do with our kids. But... when all said and done these are DH's parents and no matter how much they have done, he still loves them (of course) and really hopes that one day things will be better and feels guilty that he is not always there for them as their son. They do not have any of our phone numbers since our last blow out. Dh has told them that we are moving soon but did not tell them where and did not give any further details. In all honesty, I really wish they would get their crap together and realize that they are hurting themselves and the kids with not having a relationship with them and I wish that they had a better relationship with the kids. I don't want much to do with them but I wish they wanted something to do with my kids. A card, a gift, a note, a phone call...

Anywhoo... In the past, Dh and I have set up to meet for breakfast at a restaraunt with the kids and his parents and they have come and we thought it was somewhat pleasent. But then a week later (and this has happened every single time) when DH calls his mom to check on her, she talks nothing but negativity against us and we usually run into trouble with his sister starting things. To better understand this I should tell you that Dh's sister is very close to DD#1's birth mom which that relationship only formed once DH and I moved out of his family's property and they all turned against us and formed a relationship with DD's birth mom who abandoned her (for some reason they are fine with this situation) to get back at DH for leaving their property and leaving their control.

DH wants to be able to have his parents over at our new house but afraid of what his mom is going to do with our information. DD#1's birth mom lives one city away from our new home and has not contacted DD in 4 years. DH's dad talks a lot of crap but he doesn't tell people our business so we aren't worried about him but DH's mom is all about gossip and starting problems so that worries me.

Would you allow these people into your home out of the kindness of your heart and wanting a relationship with your kids or would you just ignore the situation, not give out information, not invite them over and wait until they want a relationship with your kids?

alli2672

I don't know what I would do.  I probably wouldn't want my children to have a relationship with people who are nasty to them or to me.  On the other hand, I just think it would be odd to grow up knowing that you had grandparents who you never see.

I guess I would continue to meet and share a meal at a restaurant once and a while, but I probably wouldn't invite them over to my home. 

 

 

MAprincess

I have similar issues with my ILs.  Definitely not as bad as yours.

If it were me, I wouldn't give them the information.  If they have e-mail, they have a way of contacting you and you can decide if you want to meet in a neutral location, etc.  It sounds like this has been progressively getting worse and your ILs aren't really interested in meeting you half way.  And negative people are not positive in your kids lives.  It's unfortunate, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.  But I'd say that the final say is your DH's (with your guidance).  They are his family.  I can see it would be hard to drop them completely.

Hope*Always

Unfortunately, they are not going to change so it's a matter of determining what is right for you and your family. Perhaps taking a break from them with no contact will help to gain some perspective on what to do. We typically distance ourselves from people that are highly negative and high drama. And that has included members of both our families in the past. We haven't severed contact with anyone but control the amount of contact that we do have. It has helped to lessen the amount of stress and drama that was occurring. Good luck!

wifeandmama

We moved and didn't tell my MIL about it.  She doesn't even know we have a 2nd baby!  She is a drug addict and has threatened me, harassed me, you name it (she is the reason I don't even have pics of my kids on here anymore... she has found my email, FB< etc, so I have everything on lock down!)

Anyway, we tried for awhile to have a relationship b/c we didn't want our kids to feel like we slighted them or something.  But then she got cuh-razy and I told my husband that this crazy broad is not going to have anything to do with my kids.  So we have a private number, her number is blocked from calling our cells, her emails go right to spam, etc.  I will just explain to my kids when they ask that Daddy's mom is sick and can't see them.  

Even through all the insanity, I sometimes worry that my kids will resent us for keeping her from them or something and I really don't want to badmouth my husband's mom.  It sucks!  I know it. 

Sammysu

rmj80:

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this: If you feel that your children are in danger of abuse or abduction by either DH's parents or DD #1's bio mom, disregard the advice I'm about to give you.

On the matter of DD #1's bio mom. Don't you have a legal obligation to inform her of where her child is? Even if you don't, for some reason, I believe it is important that you keep the lines of communication between DD1 and her mom as clear as possible. Again, you don't want to be the one considered responsible for ruining that relationship. If bio mom wants to ruin it, let her, but don't let that fall on you. Also, consider this, even if you were the worst mom in the world, wouldn't you at least want to KNOW where your kids were??

I will disregard this! DH and I have full custody of DD and there has been an abduction attempt when DD was 8 and her school had to be put on lockdown which is why DH's family is no longer allowed to know where she goes to school and any personal information about her... DD#1 has bio moms info and she is welcome to contact her when she is ready and feels safe to do so, she is aware of this and feels better knowing this. There is alot of history here that I don't feel the need to discuss with you... The issues that I am bringing up only pertain to DD#1 in a small way, the rest are issues with his family and our family as a whole.

Sammysu

Thanks everyone for your input. Since we started doing the random breakfast visits at a restaurant, DH's family act nice to the girls while they are there and they try to give them money (out of guilt, I guess) so I guess for the time being I will continue to every so often have these visits until they start doing things again that are not cool in front of them. They always persist to DH to come to our home and for us to give them our contact information such as phone and address but we have learned not to give in and to stick to visits at a public place. This is a tough decision.

mabma80

I'd say, save yourselves a headache and don't tell them anything.  You have email, Facebook, etc. but there is no reason for that kind of behavior around your kids.  Eventually, your kids will pick up on it and then that will be a fun conversation.  The way I see it, is they are digging themselves their own grave by acting like this, the sister included.  The only ones that will suffer, will be them.  

It may be cruel, but do you guys really want to deal with this for the rest of your lives?  I sure as hell wouldn't want to. 

wifeandmama

rmj80:

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this: If you feel that your children are in danger of abuse or abduction by either DH's parents or DD #1's bio mom, disregard the advice I'm about to give you.

On the matter of DH's parents. In-laws can suck, there is NO doubt about that, but for the sake of your DH and your children I believe you have to TRY to have the best relationship with them possible. You don't want to be considered responsible for any bad blood between them, so I believe you have to make sure you have done everything in your power to keep your relationship and your family's relationship with them amicable. Does that mean you should let them steamroll you? Absolutely not, but you still have to try your best to keep things friendly. I believe this includes telling them where you're moving to.

On the matter of DD #1's bio mom. Don't you have a legal obligation to inform her of where her child is? Even if you don't, for some reason, I believe it is important that you keep the lines of communication between DD1 and her mom as clear as possible. Again, you don't want to be the one considered responsible for ruining that relationship. If bio mom wants to ruin it, let her, but don't let that fall on you. Also, consider this, even if you were the worst mom in the world, wouldn't you at least want to KNOW where your kids were??

I don't think the "worst mom in the world" deserves to know where her children are.  There are some situations where relationships can't be repaired, even between a mother and child (ie my husband and his mother).  Sometimes it's best to just cut ties, IMO. 

tabi_ja

When I was a kid, my maternal grandmother was an alcoholic, and an absolutely toxic influence.  My parents made the difficult decision to cut off all contact with her.

When I was about seven, I found out that a) she existed, b) had straightened her life out, and c) was ready to meet my sister and I.  After that, we managed to have a decent relationship with her, because she really had changed.

I say all of this to say, do not tell them where you will be.  It sounds like it would be dangerous.  Maybe someday, in the future, your IL's will get their lives figured out and you will feel safer around them.  Until then, do what you have to, even if it means keeping your IL's in the dark.