BFF now pregnant - vent (sorry for the length!) — The Bump
TTC after 35

BFF now pregnant - vent (sorry for the length!)

Good Morning All.

I'm not sure what I expect to come out of this - I am one of you, yet I hardly ever post.  It just seems like you ladies have been on this road longer than I have and you have way more knowledge then I do.  Anything other than "I feel for you"- well, I just don't have anything helpful to say...and for that I am truly sorry!!

Now to the reason of my post. I got a call last night from my BFF.   She and her husband have been trying for just 5 short months to get pregnant and she found out yesterday she was.  Part of me is SO happy for her.  But unfortunately, it's not the part of me 'close to the surface' and everything in my world has gone down hill from that phone call.  She has made comments about wanting to get pregnant now because having a baby after 36 is just too old.  Must be nice - I'll be 40 in June.  We have been talking recently about adoption - just in case we can't get pregnant.  Her comment to that was "why would you want to raise someone else's kid?"  I saw RED!!   If it weren't for adoption - I'd not have the best brother in the world (he was adopted when my Mom was told she couldn't have any more children after me)!!  If it weren't for adoption - I'd not have my Dad's family (they adopted him when he was less than a year old).  That comment hurt!!  And now she's pregnant.  And for the next 8+ months I'm going to hear ALL about it.  Again, I do truly want to be happy for her and her husband.  They are both my best friends and the two that I would turn to before I met my wonderful H.  They have been thru so much with me and the same for me with them - the hurt and the rejection of a relationship breaking up, deaths in the family - all that.  I feel horrible that I can't outright say that I am extremely happy for them, but I can't.

My poor H - he has no idea what to say or do right now.  All he could say last night was that it WILL happen for us.  But what if it doesn't?  What if we can't have kids? What if I've left it too long and now I just can not get pregnant?  I'm not sure which one of us wants children more - me or my H. 

Sorry for the long rant and thanks to anyone that read the whole thing.  I'm not sure what I want to hear.  I certainly know I'm being a cow for not being happy for them.  Maybe I just need to hear from you ladies who are in the same boat that you would react the same way.  Or maybe you wouldn't - maybe you all would tell me to suck it up and be happy that I'm going to be an honorary Aunt and to get over myself.  I just don't know - I feel like this has stopped me in my tracks and I just don't know what to do now.  I can hope and pray that I'm pregnant, but I don't know.

Thanks.

 

Married September 2010, ttc since August 2010. So far - nothing
Me: 40, Husband: 33
After an emergency D&C on Nov 8, 2011, we are giving up hope of ever becoming pregnant.
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
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Re: BFF now pregnant - vent (sorry for the length!)

  • It's hard. You're not feeling anything others, including myself, haven't in similar situations. Try to remember that others' pregnancies in no way affect your ability/chance to get KU. Give yourself the space you need to experience your own anger, frustration and sadness so that you're not dealing with stifled emotions in front of your friend. And, use this board as your outlet. It helps!
    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

    SAIFW/PAIFW
  • i am very sorry your friend is being insensitive. she sounds like she doesn't "get it"maybe you should have a very honest conversation about how you feel and all the pain you mentioned in your note. i hope she shapes up. if not i would start setting boundaries and limit the time you spend with her based on her comments and behavior. friendship is two way. what are you getting from her? support? love? companionship?

    My heart is as open as the sky.
    Read about it on the blog

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    2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


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  • (((Hugs))).  I find myself sad and upset when I 1st hear about anyone else being pregnant.  I wish them well but it feels a bit artificial sometimes.  Mostly, it has been co-workers lately and not close friends (my friends were all pretty much done before they were 30...).  Starting to post here is helping for venting/sharing.  I've been trying to bring up the issue of adoption more with DH to get him thinking about it.  I keep trying to remind myself that patience is a virtue because it IS so difficult to be patient.  One way or another, hopefully we'll all be moms some day soon!
    Me: 41, DH 43 TTC #1 since 8/09 CP 10/09.
    3/11 Clomid-Ovidrel-IUI #1-progesterone= BFN.
    5/11 Femara-Bravelle-Ovidrel-IUI#2-progesterone=BFN.
    6/11 Femara-Ovidrel-IUI#3-progesterone=BFP!
    Beta #1 7/1: 39. Beta #2 7/5: 301 U/S 7/19 - saw HB!!
    EDD 3/12/12
    DD born 3/5/12
    Baby #2 Beta #1 12/16: 439.  Beta #2 12/18: 1240
    EDD 8/22/15


  • That's the thing, winterbride, she IS my best friend!!  She's been there thru thick and thin and I know I am being horrible towards her and being.....well, jealous of the fact that she was able to get pregnant so easily. 

    I think I just have to be totally honest with her and tell her how hard it is for me to hear that she's pregnant.  It's not that I don't want her to be - of course I want her to be pregnant.  It's just that I want to be pregnant right along with her.

    Thanks to everyone who has replied.  I'm happy to see that I'm not being over sensitive and that you all feel the same way I do when you hear someone else is pregnant knowing how hard you and your H are trying to get pregnant also! 

     

    Married September 2010, ttc since August 2010. So far - nothing
    Me: 40, Husband: 33
    After an emergency D&C on Nov 8, 2011, we are giving up hope of ever becoming pregnant.
    PAIF/SAIF Welcome
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers PitaPata Dog tickers image
  • I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I just found out yesterday that my cousin, who is older than I am, is pregnant.  I found out from a generic, sent to all, email from her sister.  I so wanted to be happy for her, but all I could do was cry.  And then I found out that my mom knew the night before and just figured she'd call me yesterday morning.  But by then the email had already gone out. I spent all day yesterday just devastated and crying at the drop of a hat.  I'm still trying to get to a point with it where I can be happy for her.  And I do feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to be genuinely happy for her at this point. 

    So, while I obviously don't have any words of wisdom in this situation, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. 

    image
  • imageklm195:

    That's the thing, winterbride, she IS my best friend!!  She's been there thru thick and thin and I know I am being horrible towards her and being.....well, jealous of the fact that she was able to get pregnant so easily. 

    I think I just have to be totally honest with her and tell her how hard it is for me to hear that she's pregnant.  It's not that I don't want her to be - of course I want her to be pregnant.  It's just that I want to be pregnant right along with her.

    Thanks to everyone who has replied.  I'm happy to see that I'm not being over sensitive and that you all feel the same way I do when you hear someone else is pregnant knowing how hard you and your H are trying to get pregnant also! 

     

    I think an honest conversation is the way to go. I don't know her and I'm pissed off at her comment about 36 being too old. Don't even get me started on the stupid adoption comment. If she  is your BFF she certainly knows about the history of adoption in your family and should know better than to say what she said (she's entitled to her own opinion but you need a filter when you are talking to people who may feel otherwise). 

    You are not alone! Hugs.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

  • imageMrs.McIrish:
    imageklm195:

    That's the thing, winterbride, she IS my best friend!!  She's been there thru thick and thin and I know I am being horrible towards her and being.....well, jealous of the fact that she was able to get pregnant so easily. 

    I think I just have to be totally honest with her and tell her how hard it is for me to hear that she's pregnant.  It's not that I don't want her to be - of course I want her to be pregnant.  It's just that I want to be pregnant right along with her.

    Thanks to everyone who has replied.  I'm happy to see that I'm not being over sensitive and that you all feel the same way I do when you hear someone else is pregnant knowing how hard you and your H are trying to get pregnant also! 

     

    I think an honest conversation is the way to go. I don't know her and I'm pissed off at her comment about 36 being too old. Don't even get me started on the stupid adoption comment. If she  is your BFF she certainly knows about the history of adoption in your family and should know better than to say what she said (she's entitled to her own opinion but you need a filter when you are talking to people who may feel otherwise). 

    You are not alone! Hugs.

    This. I think you should talk to her about how her comments hurt you. At least then she will know and hopefully she will be more sensitive to your situation and feelings. If you don't talk to her then she will likely keep making dumb comments which will makes things much harder.

    Also, I understand how disappointing it is to have others around you get pregnant when you are having difficulty getting KU, but as a pp said, others getting pregnant has no bearing on when/if you get pregnant. When people get pregnant it's an exciting time and sometimes they don't realize how what they say and do can be hurtful to others TTC, especially if they did not have any difficulty getting pregnant. So if she is your BFF I think you should try to be supportive and happy for her even if it's hard, just as you are expecting her to be senstive to your feelings, KWIM? So I would definitely sit down and have a talk with her and hopefully you can work it out.

  • If you search back on the boards you will see a very similar post from me not that long ago.  I was so upset.  Then I felt like a horrible person for being upset.  I literally cried for about an hour when I found out then was a total zombie then next day.

    It took me about 3 days to get myself together and go see my friend and her new baby (she adopted rather quickly).  The minute I held that baby, most (not all) of my feeling of jealousy, etc... left and I was so happy for their new addition. 

    It will take some getting used to - your friend being pregnant.  And you will probably feel negative things from time to time but it doesn't mean that you don't love her and that she doesn't love you - it sounds to me like she is a bit clueless and a good, honest talk will do the trick. 

    I can't count how many times in the past I've said to people, " Why don't you have kids yet?  You would be such a great Mom."  UGH.  Now I know how those words could have been a huge punch in the gut.  I didn't mean anything - I truly didn't; I was just completely unaware.

    Now about the adoption comment - I wasn't even going to address it but it has made me a bit angry....May I just say a comment like that smacks of hillbilly and ignorance. I hope you point this out to her.

    One last thing,  please don't ever feel like adding a comment of "I feel for you" isn't enough.  I know that I have felt so alone in this stupid IF journey and just knowing that there is someone out there who gets it was really comforting.

    Keep us posted  - let us know how you are doing.

     

    ~Married 11/08~
    ~TTC since 01/09~
    ~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
    ~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
    ~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
    ~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
    ~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
    ~BFN - 02/11~
    ~IUI #1 03/15/11~
    BFP 3/28/2011
    Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
    Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
    Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.

    TTC#2 for a few months naturally (ha!)
    ~IUI#1, Clomid, Trigger,  10/13 - BFN
    ~IUI#2, Femera, Ovidrel, 11/13




    image




  • I would not be too hard on yourself about feeling envious or jealous.  First off, trying to have a baby is a stressful and emotional rollercoaster. We are only human after all and I think its natural to be disappointed, frustrated, hurt, angry, and happy all at once.  Unfortunately, I know if it was me, that got pregnant I would be bubbling and gushing about how great it is to everyone around me and they would be sick of it! 

    Our turn will come, maybe not in the form that we expect. But I know that with all of the effort and dedication we are putting into having a child, we are all going to have extremely loved children. 

    I'm just trying to learn patience from this. I'm gonna need it!

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