Is this bad? re: mom and delivery

gymnst1013

I don't plan on letting anyone in the delivery room either during labor or pushing other than MH and our doula.  Even though she hasn't come out and said anything, I think my mom expects to be there for the whole thing.  She has never brought it up to me, but I think I overheard her telling my aunt she intends to be there (thanks, mom, for asking MY opinion on the matter!!).  Of course, I could have totally misheard her.

I plan on laboring at home as long as possible and so I'm hoping that by the time I get to the hospital, I'll be approaching transition and if I do call her when we leave for the hospital (or when we get to the hospital), it might be too late anyway. 

Is it wrong that I really don't want to call her when I first go into labor?  I'm envisioning me calling then and her bugging me about getting to the hospital when I don't really need to yet and I just really don't want that stress.  And should I tell her up front that I don't want anyone in the delivery room with me?  Since she has never brought it up, I'm sort of just avoiding the whole thing. 

Temp356619000002780

It's not wrong Gymn. You can always lie and say it went so fast you barely made it on time. I would call when you are almost ready to push. So she thinks it did go that fast. No one needs details of how it went. 

kimbo1216

You're not wrong.  We are all different and want different things.  However, you definitely need to be up front.  Tell her your plan ahead of time so there's not tension or so she's not upset later. I'd hope she'd understand.

If it makes you feel any better, my sister was the same way.  She only wanted her SO in the room with her and no one else.  My mom knew that and expected that. Sister still called our mom when she went to the hospital, but mom new to be respectful of her space. My sister and I are different souls.  For example, I do want my mom there.  I think both myself and my husband will need her.

luvbeingmom

nothing wrong with that... but i would let her know up front that you do not plan on having anyone else in the room.

let her get over it now rather than be upset that she didn't get an immediate call from you... sounds like that's what she's expecting. or else i'm sure you'll hear when she does get there "WHY didn't you CALL me??"

you're not going to want to hear that crap after giving birth... lol 

 

walter7878

Your mother sounds a lot like mine. For your sake, I hope she isn't. I wouldn't tell her up front because as far as you know, she isn't planning on being there. If she mentions it, you can tell her your plans, but otherwise, I'd just call her when you're comfortable calling her. And if she says, "I planned on being there for the delivery," you can point out that she never mentioned it nor asked your opinion.

I am having a planned c-section, but I can assure you if I weren't, I would call my mom after the baby was here. I don't think saving yourself some unwanted stress in a pretty stressful time in your life is wrong.

gymnst1013

You guys are probably right.  I just don't know how to bring it up without hurting her feelings!  I feel like if I bring it up out of the blue it will sound like I'm only mentioning it to be mean, kwim?  I almost wish she would mention something so that I could at least have a segway (how the hell do you spell that??).

DowagerCountessofNJ

Not wrong at all.  I told DH that I'm not even sure I want to tell any of our family that I'm in labor.  We'll just call after the baby is born.  My mom is a know-it-all who actually doesn't know it all when it comes to medical things (she works in a hospital so that somehow translates into M.D.) and I know she'll 1.) want to be back in the room while I'm laboring and 2.) driving me crazy by repeating herself a million times and saying stupid sh*t.  His family is a bunch of cry babies and will be sobbing hysterically the second we tell them and then proceed to call us a million times or camp out in the waiting room and cry and carry on.

pammeelala

Don't lie!  If you do tell her it went too fast, then you have to tell everyone IRL the same thing to make sure it doesn't get back to her and so you wouldn't really be able to share your true birth story.

Be honest with her.  Tell her your plan so that on day of her feelings aren't incredibly hurt because it sounds like they would be if it were a surprise to her that you don't want her there for the hard parts.  If you are afraid of her then bugging you after you tell her, give her a chance, and if she ignores your request, turn off the phone.  Once at the hospital, if she shows up, you can always have the nurses tell her that she needs to leave the room. 

With DD, I wanted my mom there with me for every bit except the actual pushing and she was totally ok with that, she knew I had enough support even though she wanted to be part of it, and my momma is a total control freak.  I'm hoping she will be able to get the time off work to be with me again when it's time and it will go the same way if she can.

CarlaAndJames

I'd try to find a way to tell her ahead of time. You won't want the added stress of dealing with it when you're pretty much in transition. (and at that point you might not be as sensitive to her feelings and you might just tell her "Mom you can NOT come. Get over it!!" haha

I'd try to bring up a conversation about labor, tell her how your Bradley classes are going, what you're thinking as far as your birth plan and all that, and at some point slip in "And [husband] and I have decided it will only be us and medical professionals in the room. We can let you know when I head to the hospital so you can be ready to come see us and the baby afterwards."

gymnst1013

pammeelala:

Don't lie!  If you do tell her it went too fast, then you have to tell everyone IRL the same thing to make sure it doesn't get back to her and so you wouldn't really be able to share your true birth story.

Be honest with her.  Tell her your plan so that on day of her feelings aren't incredibly hurt because it sounds like they would be if it were a surprise to her that you don't want her there for the hard parts.  If you are afraid of her then bugging you after you tell her, give her a chance, and if she ignores your request, turn off the phone.  Once at the hospital, if she shows up, you can always have the nurses tell her that she needs to leave the room. 

With DD, I wanted my mom there with me for every bit except the actual pushing and she was totally ok with that, she knew I had enough support even though she wanted to be part of it, and my momma is a total control freak.  I'm hoping she will be able to get the time off work to be with me again when it's time and it will go the same way if she can.

I don't plan on lying to her!!  I just don't know how to bring it up without sounding mean.

ChristinaMT4

I think you should be honest about it. Let her know that you and your dh won't be calling anyone right away because you want some time alone together with the baby.

When my brother and his wife had their baby they didn't call my family until hours after the birth.  It was extremely hurtful. If they had told us ahead of time that they weren't going to want a lot of visitors we would have respected that 100%. The way they did it was practically cruel. It isn't as if we aren't close either. My parents bought all of their baby furniture and have done so much for them, including letting them live in their home when my brother was in law school. It's still a sore subject in our family.

Either way your mom might have her feelings hurt but if she's warned ahead of time at least she'll be prepared and know to look forward to a phone call after the birth. I hope she's understanding and respects your wishes, good luck.

Telly21182

Not wrong at all to wait to call her, but I do think you should let her know that you don't want anyone in the room with you other than H and Doula.  If it seems like she's expecting to be there you don't want to add the stress of her showing up and trying to get in the room.

I'm planning on letting our parents know when we're going in with the promise to tell them when things are progressing enough for them to hang out in the WR.  I've already told my mom that I just want DH in the room with me, but we haven't said anything to MIL.  My mom didn't expect to be in there and I would hope that MIL is chill about it too - but with her you never know!  She's not overbearing, she just gets so excited! 

gymnst1013

CarlaAndJames:

I'd try to bring up a conversation about labor, tell her how your Bradley classes are going, what you're thinking as far as your birth plan and all that, and at some point slip in "And [husband] and I have decided it will only be us and medical professionals in the room. We can let you know when I head to the hospital so you can be ready to come see us and the baby afterwards."

Good suggestion - thanks!  I'm actually thinking now that it might be a non-issue.  The hospital might only allow 2 people in the room which would be MH and the doula.  But I should probably still let her know this.

Luckywe1

My mom has always made it known that she wants to be there for the delivery. However, that is not what DH and I want. How I told her was just by discussing the delivery. I told her that we will let everyone know when we are headed to the hospital, but no one is gonna be in the room except for DH and I. I told her I don't everyone waiting for hours at the hospital, so we would call when the baby is here. Honesty is the best policy. I would discuss it sooner rather than later.

CarlaAndJames

gymnst1013:

CarlaAndJames:

I'd try to bring up a conversation about labor, tell her how your Bradley classes are going, what you're thinking as far as your birth plan and all that, and at some point slip in "And [husband] and I have decided it will only be us and medical professionals in the room. We can let you know when I head to the hospital so you can be ready to come see us and the baby afterwards."

Good suggestion - thanks!  I'm actually thinking now that it might be a non-issue.  The hospital might only allow 2 people in the room which would be MH and the doula.  But I should probably still let her know this.

That's the "rule" at our hospital. I'm definitely leaning on that as my excuse if MIL has an issue with my mom being in the room and her not being in the room. (although I don't think she will, she's not pushy at all!)

DuckDuckGoose123

I'm kind of in the same boat - my mom has hinted that she wants to be there, but I don't want anyone but DH in there with me (besides the medical staff, of course). 

Here's one way to bring it up - maybe start a conversation about how you're going to tell her you're in labor?  Like say, if you went into labor at 2am, should you call etc, or wait until a certain time, whatever.  That starts the conversation about that day.  Then you can slide in, since she wouldn't be present for the actual labor, when does she want to be informed that you started?  

That's a bit of a mess, but my point is, maybe if you discuss logistics for delivery day with her, you can kind of slip it in there.  I'd be sure to have that conversation ahead of time, though, because if she's expecting to know right when you start labor and you don't tell her she's likely to be pretty hurt.  But you should be clear about your expectations re: her not being allowed in the room.

MrsAllison33

gymnst1013:

I plan on laboring at home as long as possible and so I'm hoping that by the time I get to the hospital, I'll be approaching transition and if I do call her when we leave for the hospital (or when we get to the hospital), it might be too late anyway. 

Is it wrong that I really don't want to call her when I first go into labor?  I'm envisioning me calling then and her bugging me about getting to the hospital when I don't really need to yet and I just really don't want that stress.  And should I tell her up front that I don't want anyone in the delivery room with me?  Since she has never brought it up, I'm sort of just avoiding the whole thing. 

I'm the same way, I only want my guy in there with me and I want to stay home as long as possible too. I already told my mom that I didn't want her in there while I'm pushing and she said 'You dont?? My mom was there with me.' with the saddest look on her face. I felt bad but I told her why and that was that. She can be in the waiting room and still one of the first people to see the baby and I think that's fine.

taitai07

I don't think it's wrong...I probably won't call my mom when I start labor either. I've been thinking about it and trying to come to a decision. At first, I thought it would be cool if she was there for labor, but then left the room for the pushing/delivery part. But now I'm not so sure that I even want her there for labor. She's a former nurse, so she's very opinionated about medical stuff. I feel like she could turn it into the mom show really easily, and I don't think I want that. It would probably stress me out.

I'm going to talk to her about it once I have my mind made up. I am being the total opposite of my sister when she had my nephew...she wanted my mom there for everything, probably would have had her in the operating room for her c-section if she had been allowed more than one person. I know she'll probably be upset about it, but she'll get over it; she doesn't hold grudges. I think you should be up front with her about it. Yeah, the convo will suck and be awkward at first, but I'm sure you'll be much more relaxed on the day itself, knowing that you've got everything resolved. I think feelings get hurt more by avoiding the big stuff rather than talking about it, imo.

DuckysDoll

I think a lie would hurt WAY more then the truth. Just say as much as you would like to have her there in the room, you want this to be a moment you and your husband share. Can she wait in the waiting room and come in right after all is settled and share a small moment then?

DreamChaser246

If its wrong, then I'm doing the wrong thing either. We're not planning on calling anyone until after the baby is born, and maybe a few hours after that. I may call my parents to let them know when I'm seriously in labor, only because they have an 8 hour drive, and have to get ready to come down, so I know that it won't be enough notice.

gymnst1013

DuckysDoll:

I think a lie would hurt WAY more then the truth. Just say as much as you would like to have her there in the room, you want this to be a moment you and your husband share. Can she wait in the waiting room and come in right after all is settled and share a small moment then?

I never said I was planning on lying to her!  She is more than welcome to wait in the waiting room and be one of, if not the, first to meet the baby AFTER MH and I have our couple of hours of bonding time.

O2BaMom

I don't think it's bad at all!  I too plan to labor at home as long as possible and will only call MIL, FIL and my BFF after we are checked into the hospital.  DH and I are goin to sit down with them and explain we do not want a bunch of people in the waiting room while I'm in labor as we will not except visitors until at least 30mins after LO is here and we are in recovery and even then we want it limited (DH's family is huge and easily 30 ppl would show up).

I just keep telling myself this is MY labor, no one else's.

GL Gym!

cvl105

Maybe try to bring it up slyly...like talk to her about how much you like your Doula and you're glad you decided to go that route because you think she's going to help provide the med-free birth you are working towards. So you're kinda bringing up who's gonna be in there with you, etc. Maybe she'll get the hint?  You can always throw in, "family will be let in once I'm cleaned up so that you all can meet the baby".  Just put it out there and see if she comments or not.

helenejr

nope its not wrong at all!!!! it's your momant with your husband - you do whatever you want to do!

I am very much the same - i'm going to labor at home for as long as possible and only call our parents once the baby is born. that way there is no confusion as to who i am having in the room with me!