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August 2011 Moms
mdotm0904
member
custody headache....
mdotm0904
member
...not yet, we're trying to avoid that, which is why we're trying to discuss a parenting agreement out of court now before the baby even gets here. Small background, i'm 25. He's 38. He's (almost) divorced w/3 children (twins 8, single 7) that he has 50/50 joint custody of with his soon 2 be ex wife. Dated for a year. Pregnancy was unplanned. I have no other children. At first, he didn't even want the baby, even going so far as to say "oh, you want this baby. So i guess I shouldn't pray for a miscarriage then?"
His custody battle w/his ex was very bitter & I was there every step of the way so I can see how spiteful he can be (which has me beyond terrified). Anyway, last night while discussing our disfunctional relationship (we're no longer together), custody somehow got brought up. I told him I thought it was assumed that i'd be the primary caregiver & that I'd work with him to make sure he & his other children saw the baby often & that I'd discuss important decisions w/him but ultimately the decision was mine.
He called me selfish saying that the baby wasn't just mine, but ours & he wants 50/50. Seems like not a big deal right? well he's a bully & very manipulative & when he doesn't get his way, he's quick to threaten involving the court system.(or at least that's how he is w/his ex, he assures me it won't be like that w/us but i don't trust it) He assumes he's the better parent because he's done it before & he's older & I still live @ home w/my mom (who has been at every doctor's appointment & there every step of the way) He's also p!ssed that I mentioned moving out of state in the next couple of years (no concrete plans, just a goal).
My thoughts seeing as how I think i'd be more inclined to work w/him (like I said, he can be a bully, very controlling, manipulative, etc so it's tough to get him to compromise) is that I should have physical custody & seeing as how for right now, we literally live a mile from each other, I know that I'll still make sure he spends as much time w/the baby as he can. (also I'm in love with his 3 other children & them w/me, so I DEFINITELY know the baby & I will be around often). We'll also share legal custody (but if after numerous discussions if no consensus can be met, then i'd be given tie-breaking authority).
As long as he contributes financially, I won't even take him to court for child support because i'm not out for his money (he's African & thinks most African-American women are just money hungry women who try to take advantage of Africans
).
I think I'm being fair, I don't think I'm being selfish at all. I'm not denying him access to the child & I WANT him there & involved w/decision making. The main thing is just covering myself because I know how he is w/the courts & if we don't establish an agreement & I do something he doesn't like, I don't want to always look over my shoulder thinking he's going to try to "steal" our child from me.
Also, how soon do most of you do overnight visits for newborns? I was thinking the custody arrangement that we draft up wouldnt start until after 6months or so.
thanks in advance
(also posted in single parents, but thought the more input the better)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: custody headache....
Just an anecdotal story, but my ex and his exwife shared custody of their daughter pretty amicably. He lived with me from the time she was 6 months, and brought his doaughter over often, but she didn't stay overnight until after 9 months. Her mother thought it would strain her sleep schedule and routine, so we tried to keep it as identical as we could. Luckily, we all acted like adults with the best interest of the child at heart, which it doesn't sound like your ex is doing.
I suggest you go to a mediator with him to work out this agreement. They can help keep the peace and minimize the bullying.
You should have a support agreement in place, though. Its not about being money hungry. Its about him being legally responsible for his child, and you being assured support even if something happens and the 2 of you no longer have an amicable relationship (you move away, etc). Don't get caught up feeling like a gold digger because you get a support agreement. That's not what it is AT ALL, and I highly suggest you get one, especially if he is as volatile and pushy as you describe him to be. My ex had one, but he sent extra every month anyway because he thought he should. Now he has sole custody of his DD because her mom is a flake, but he still went and took care of the paperwork to remove the support agreement. Its about protecting the interests of your child, not bilking him for money, I promise.
I have no personal experience with anything like this, but I agree. Have something in writting set in stone. That way there are no openings for issues later on for either of you.
Good luck with all this and I am so happy your mother is there for you like she is!
oh mannnnn, you NEED to get all your ducks in a row. it might not be about money now but dont discount the financial needs in the future. i would get EVERYTHING in writing. even if he ISN'T a vindictive person, which it sounds like he is, it is important to have things done properly. get the financial and custodial arrangements put into writing and it is one less thing to stress and dramatize over.
p.s. what is his DEAL? if he thinks so low of african women, maybe he should stop sleeping with them? WTF? i commend you for being brave and leaving him for a better life.
I think you should get some legal advice of some sort from a mediator, or something. He has legal rights, but so do you, and you need to make sure you know what they are. I know there are free clinics out there to help in situations like these.....and I think laws vary from state to state, but I would just know what your rights are...
I am not saying take him to court, but just to be as informed as you can be.
Unfortunately, many times pregnancies are not wrapped in the perfect "fall in love, get married, have a kid" package that we would all like.
::::: raises hand:::::::
Our pregnancy, too, was unplanned and has put a big strain on us financially (although we are married.) The great thing is- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So use the boards to their full potential and find other moms in your position.
First off, I do think fathers of children have rights to custody as well, and sometimes it can frustrating to me that women always assume they will get full custody. That being said, I think it custody should go to the parent who will provide the most stable and loving enviroment.
In your case, from your version of the situation, that appears to be you. It almost sounds like he only care about custody of his kids in order to upset his exes.
I think you are being wayy to lenient with this man regarding several things. He is the father.. he SHOULD contribute financial- that doesn't make you money hungry. I really think you should get this all confirmed and figured out in writing before the baby comes. That way, once the baby is here, your fighting should be minimal since it was all taken care of.
Good Luck!
I've been through a custody battle with exH of DD when she was one and a half. I recommend you get an attorney NOW! You need something in writing. Most courts though will not let the father have overnight stays until the baby is so old (12 months, 18 months, depends on the state) If you are breastfeeding then that will come into play for his visitation of the baby at first as well.
As far as moving out of state after the baby is born, you will more than likely have to get his permission to do so.
Custody battles suck to say the least. I'm sorry you have to deal with it and think about it already!