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Multiples
Who here still has friends?
I think there were more people at my baby shower than there were at my wedding. What a huge fest of friendship and love.
Flashforward to my ID boys being 16 months old and I barely see friends any more! It's not just being busy. My friends who are single and/or don't have kids like to plan everything last minute, so I can never go out with them. Our friends who have young children are basking in their perfect singleton mom bliss (comparatively), and I end up feeling bitter and resentful. My husband and I can't bring our sons to an adult party because we just end up chasing them around and can't pull off an adult conversation, so we don't even bother plan or attend those sorts of things. And forget trying to participate in a play group in order to make new friends -- again, there is just no way to have any meaningful conversation while trying to attend to 2 active boys simultaneously. Our house is always a mess ,and I don't have the energy to clean it, so I'm too embarrassed to have people over.
How have you all managed to have adult friendships???? it seems impossible!
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Re: Who here still has friends?
We are the only ones out of our friends that have kids and it does get hard when they want to go out and we have to find/pay a babysitter plus everything else that goes along with it. We have our close group of friends that we see on the weekends and we make it work. If we go to someone else's house, we take the kids, some toys and take their Pea Pods so they can go to sleep and we get some adult time. I clean what our guests will see and don't worry about the rest when they come over, (which is so much easier on us). DH is also really good about telling me to call up some girls and go out so I take advantage there.
Playgroups are the same for us, always chasing both kids while everyone else talks. I do small playgroups at our house, one or two moms with their kids, plus it makes clean up afterwards, easier.
If your single friends plan things last minute, why don't you make plans in advance with them? DH and I each have one weeknight out for ourselves, and it's the same day every week. This has helped each of us plan things with our friends and also gives us something to look forward to.
Are you a SAHM? I'm asking mainly because of your comment on play groups. I am, and so are several of my friends. One of my friends is kind enough to host one once a week at her house. I go frequently- AND it's during the girls nap time. I bring the PNPs and put them down for their nap upstairs- or I stay for an hour and go home, so maybe they are "off schedule" for a day. I have to chase the girls at home, so I might as well chase them in a change of scenery with people who usually jump in to help!
I can understand not wanting to have people over - I feel the same way. My house is always a mess (I feel like). So instead- can you plan to meet friends at the park? Go apple picking? Meet for lunch? These are all things that I do. I even run errands with my BF so we can spend time together.
I think you have some options. Having a personal life outside of your kids is really important. It's helped me to stay sane. I'm a Mom for sure, and nothing will change that - but I'm still me. And I love going out for a dirty martini with my girlfriends sans kids, and I love watching my girls play around with a pile of kids while my friends and I have a coffee together and laugh.
I know another twin Mom who never goes out and now has major anxiety about it (because she didn't do it for over a year)- is that the same for you?
This is something I really worry about. It's easy for friends to be around now, because I'm still easy to be around and can get out with them. But when the babies come, I'm really concerned because I have a lot of close out-of-town girlfriends and I hear a lot of "I can't wait for you to bring the babies up here!" which is confusing to me, why the expectation would fall on me to travel. I also keep hearing about how much help we'll need if we can get it from childbirth classes, other multiple moms, etc., so if I do get visitors to my house or in from out of town I'm afraid their expectations in the early visits will be that they are there to hold and pass around the babies, when there will be so much else to do.
Anyway, I don't know how to bring this up without sounding horrible and needy. My friends are just in a different time in their life and aren't overwhelmed with not one, but two babies that are on the way. There just seems to be a disconnect there. I need my longtime girlfriends, but I want to find some mom friends too.
My boys are only 4 Months old, But I feel like I have NO Friends. I am 30 and all my friends had their children when they were like 18-22 yrs old so they are older. The ones that would come over in the beginning have stopped coming becuase its hard to conversate with 2 babies or I feel like they feel like they have to hold/feed a baby. My house is no longer a fun hang out house.
My Dad has become my new Girlfriend LOL! I called him this morning and was like wanna go to the mall! He went we shopped and had lunch at the food court.
When DH and I wanted to start a family, we moved from the city out to the burbs. It really sucks, but we rarely see our "city friends" anymore. Part of it is location, but an even bigger part of it is that we are just in totally different places in our lives. I miss them, but I don't crave interaction with them, because honestly, we don't have much in common anymore.
When we moved out to the burbs, finding mommy friends was hugely important to me. I am a very social person and would have gone crazy being a SAHM with no social interaction. When the boys were six weeks old, I dragged them both to a new mom support group that our hospital offered. There I met all sorts of women and we formed a playgroup. At first about 15 moms came to the first couple of meetings, but eventually there were 6 of us that formed a tight group. We have moms night out once a month and we do playgroups and outings 2-3 times a month. The best part is that none of the other mom's are MoMs, so they are always able to help me out and in the beginning, they all thought I was supermom, which was a nice ego boost!
As far as playgroup, I LOVE hosting at my house because I have gates everywhere and there are very specific areas where kids can totally play safely and the moms can chat and hang out. I only clean the areas that will really be seen by my guests. Sorry for the long response, but I think getting out and meeting people and making new friends who understand where you are in your life is SO important. I would go nuts without my new friends!!
Oy..... mine are not even 5 months so I can't relate to you fully YET... I feel for ya. Em, I am forcing myself out there to make friends b/c my husband just left for 7 months and I have no friends or family so I need to make them or I will go crazy.
Literally, I invite people over with nasty piles of dishes laundry and crap all over the place. It drives me NUTS...... but hey, they understand.
Not sure about 2 boys running around at parties.... I took my babies to a military spouse gathering this weekend and luckily had lots of ladies wanting to hold them. However, about half of the time, I was isolated from everyone with feedings, or just needing to let them be in quiet on the floor. But at least me and my boys got SOME socializing in. Better than staring at each other all day every day!!!
I'm really surprised by this- do most of you feel this way?
Just like any relationship, it takes works on both ends. My best friend is single and has no kids and yet we dont let more than a week go by where we dont hang out. And yes, my girls are usually there. We take turns going to each others houses and she is really good with my girls. I actually see her more than my friends with kids. And if there is something going on that I really want to do, we make plans in advance and I find a babysitter so we can have adult time.
I know sometimes it is easier not to bring the LO's but I am sure your friends dont mind as much as you think they do.
I think it depends on the type of friends you have too. I have friends who have kids and seem to have forgotten what it was like to be pregnant with a toddler running around and give me a guilt trip for not seeing them in FOREVER (which is really only like 2 weeks).
Then I have my true friends who I could go months without saying a word to and they'll take my son for me if I go into labor and meet me for dinner if I need a night out.
I think it depends on the friend and where they are in their lives. We have a neighborhood playgroup every Thursday and none of our houses are ever clean - I think it makes us all feel better to know that we're not the only ones whose lives are in chaos! I keep in touch with a lot of my adult friends on facebook or via email (we're military, so my friends are spread out across the country - talk about hard to keep in touch!).
Maybe someday could your DH take the day off from work (planned a couple weeks in advance) and you could make plans for lunch and a movie with some friends? Or maybe set up a standing weekday dinner date where hubby will be home to watch the kids? Worst case, there are normally childrens museums/play places/etc, you could always book a date there with your friends (even the single ones), and play off that you'll bring coffee for everyone or something!
I joined a MoMs group and and MOPS group in my area and I've made new friends. I love MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) because they have childcare during the meetings. Looks for different groups in your area. It is very hard to maintain the same relationship w/ your single or childless friends, but you can make new friends who are in the same stage of life as you are. Don't let having 2 active boys stop you from having a life.
Thanks for filling me in on your experience and suggestions. It is enormously helpful to see ways in which I'm stuck, and how to work around them a little more. Keep them coming!
I can definitely relate to feeling so left out while looking at friends' facebook photos! I hate facebook for making me always aware of how much more fun everyone is having at any given moment.