I got "the talk" from MIL

Nature Lover

So after a year of hearing "when are you guys going to have a baby" and all of tha tnonsense, I finally came out of the closet about our IF with DH's family about a month ago.  Yesterday MIL made a surprise visit.  She called an hour or so before and said she was coming to visit - its about an hour trip - and I told her DH was working but she wanted to come anyway (should have been a warning - why would she want to visit me if her baby is working?)  Needless to say I was not happy about this visit b/c I was sooooooooo hungover.  I'm not a big drinker but when I do drink (about 2 or 3 times a year) I REALLY drink.  Ugh!!!!  So I feel like a$$ and have to deal with/entrtain the MIL.

Well as it turns out her visit had a reason.  She wanted to ahve "the talk" with me.  I had told her before that we could not have a baby and she gave me the whole schpiel about jsut relax and it will happen.  But I had told my sister in law that we were considering adoption (no where close to pursuing it, just one of the things on our radar for down the road if ART doesn't work out).  SO I guess she passed this to MIL who wanted to inform me that I shouldn't rush into anything (I'm 37 - not like I can wait 10 years!). That we just needed to relax and it would happen.  That I am thinking about it too much (yes, its all my fault!).  That some people adopt and then end up having their "own" baby so if I jsut wait and skip the adoption process I will ahve my own baby (and yes of course this "advice" came with a story - "I know a woman who..."

So I didn't say anything. I was very proud of myself. It stung a bit of course, but I didn't start crying or yelling or tell her how rediculously ignorant she was being. I realized how far I've come with IF and that made me happy, and sad (sad that any of us should ahve to grow so much from such an awful thing).

So as I'm feeling all proud of myself she says "so jsut forget all about it (yes that's possible!) and when its meant to happen it will happen (yes IF just magically goes away!) and you may have to accept that some things aren't meant to be and maybe you're jsut not meant to have a baby".  Well that was the end of my patience and I realized I hadn't grown as much as I thought I had!  That statement had my  blood boiling!!!!!!!  Lady I AM meant to have a baby! And I WILL have a baby!  And if you don't like my means of going about getting a baby and don't support ART and/or adoption, that is YOUR problem! I didn't say anything b/c I know there is no way I am going to change her mind or educate her so it really doesn't matter. But geez, do these statements ever get easier? I would think by now my skin would be thick enough. 

cookie_queen

God MILs can suck. I'm so sorry you had to hear that. What did your DH say/do?

DeputiesWife

Proud of you for not sayting anything. its hard not to.

i hope that you are feeling better!

kthappy76

I am so sorry you had to deal w/that, IMO she was being completely inappropriate and needs to mind her own business.  Maybe your DH can talk to her.

softbalangel

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. ((hugs))

MrsRich0226

That sucks!  Gotta love MIL "talks"!  If it makes you feel better, I just found out mine is coming to stay with us for 10 days in June... 

jessican08

I'm so so sorry you had to deal with that. Could your DH talk to her? I know sometimes when people offer empty plattitudes like that you want to just "be nice", and I know she means well but I would also want to educate her and let her know how she can best support you and your H. ((HUGS)).

Delta04

Wow - I am so very sorry you had to deal with that...and on top of a hangover as well.  Some people do not realize how intrusive and insensitive they are.  I am sure she did not mean to be but I know that does not make you feel any better.  Hopefully you DH can talk with her for you.  He is probably the best person to deal with her on that level.

Melicakes

Stupid people shouldn't breathe , UGH I don't understand how some people can be so ignorant...

Edwina.McDunnough

Hugs and good for you for keeping your cool.

Nature Lover

DH wasn't there at the time so he didn't say anything and I haven't talked to him about it yet (he got home late last night).  I think I will take everyone's advice and ask him to talk to her. While trying to ignore her would be easier, the reality is that one day there WILL be a baby in our lives and it will be her grandchild and she she will have to come to terms with how that baby joined our family (whether by a miraculous "we relaxed enough" conception, or by ART, or by adoption).  So it probably is best that DH let her know this is OUR decision and she needs to accept what we decide or just keep quiet about it.  I think she thinks she is older and wiser and having 3 kids she knows everything all about it but I'm not 21!

Mrs. Rich you have my DEEPEST sympathy!!!!  And Melicakes you crack me up :-) On the bright side, she is a snow bird so in 5 weeks she will be gone for 6 months :-)

gervaisj6

Way to stay strong! Mil's do suck...I dealt with sex "tips" from mine...and the aunts... I even dealt with have YOU been to a doctor, we don't have IF on "our" side of the family...well, NOW they do... When the biopsy was a bust, she wouldn't quit apologizing ..

hollymichael

Wow! She is WAY too into YOUR business. There is no way I would put up with this nonsense. I would nicely tell her that this is your life and you will choose how you will build your family. It isn't her decision.  I would tell her that you would really appreciate her support moving forward, but if she isn't going to support you, then you would prefer she kept her thoughts to herself. I would also put together some IF information for her to look over if she wants so that she can better understand your feelings.  I would say it very nicely, of course, but I would not put up with her being in my business like that. I can't even imagine!

MarriedinCali

Wow you have WAY more patience than I could have ever had... people don't get it, and I've come to that conclusion, but why do they feel they can barge into someone else's life and tell them what should or should not occur... if my MIL pulled something like that I would have gone off. WTG on keeping your cool!

jessican08

gervaisj6:

Way to stay strong! Mil's do suck...I dealt with sex "tips" from mine...and the aunts... I even dealt with have YOU been to a doctor, we don't have IF on "our" side of the family...well, NOW they do... When the biopsy was a bust, she wouldn't quit apologizing ..

Ughhh, seriously? I've heard that a few ladies have had that comment and it really doesn't make sense to me. If you think about it, if you did have IF on your side of the family...how did your family get here before ART? Very confusing to me...

Sort of like the line from Pirates of the Carribean:

Prisoner: The Black Pearl? I've 'eard stories. She's been preyin' on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors.

Jack Sparrow: No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?

 

Nature Lover

HollyMichael that's a GREAT idea!  I hadn't thought to gather some IF information and give it to her.  Resolve's website has some great IF ettiquette and I think I willprint that and give it to her.  I also plan to post that link on FB when it is IF awareness week (late April I think?)  We have "come out" with very close friends and family but I think once I post a link about IF awareness week that most people will put 2 and 2 together (although you never know!)

As for my patience with her, I was pretty sure one of us was not going to survive my wedding.  We had a knock down drag out for sure!  It started when DH and I were picking our wedding date and she said oh no you can't have it in May. You can have it in March or in October.  I was like "EXCUSE ME?????????????".  Apparently our date was not convenient for her snow bird schedule and she wanted to go back North 2 weeks before our chosen date (I still don't understand why she didn't wnat to wait 2 weeks or why she couldn't have flown back down for the wedding - I think she jsut wanted to get her way is all).  She argued and argued and finally I said "our wedding will be in May. We certainly hope you can make it but if not we will miss you".  She was not happy!  It only deteriorated after that until we were not speaking. The final straw for me was after she VOLUNTEERED to do the rehearsal dinner, 2 weeks before the wedding she sends a message to me from DH that she had decided to jsut order pizza for it.  I was LIVID!!!!!! If you don't want to do the rehersal dinner, don't do it and don't volunteer. But if you do volunteer then don't tell me 2 weeks before that everything we've talked about and planned has been thrown out the window and you're ordering pizza.  PIZZA!  Grrr.

 

hollymichael

Nature Lover:

HollyMichael that's a GREAT idea!  I hadn't thought to gather some IF information and give it to her.  Resolve's website has some great IF ettiquette and I think I willprint that and give it to her.  I also plan to post that link on FB when it is IF awareness week (late April I think?)  We have "come out" with very close friends and family but I think once I post a link about IF awareness week that most people will put 2 and 2 together (although you never know!)

As for my patience with her, I was pretty sure one of us was not going to survive my wedding.  We had a knock down drag out for sure!  It started when DH and I were picking our wedding date and she said oh no you can't have it in May. You can have it in March or in October.  I was like "EXCUSE ME?????????????".  Apparently our date was not convenient for her snow bird schedule and she wanted to go back North 2 weeks before our chosen date (I still don't understand why she didn't wnat to wait 2 weeks or why she couldn't have flown back down for the wedding - I think she jsut wanted to get her way is all).  She argued and argued and finally I said "our wedding will be in May. We certainly hope you can make it but if not we will miss you".  She was not happy!  It only deteriorated after that until we were not speaking. The final straw for me was after she VOLUNTEERED to do the rehearsal dinner, 2 weeks before the wedding she sends a message to me from DH that she had decided to jsut order pizza for it.  I was LIVID!!!!!! If you don't want to do the rehersal dinner, don't do it and don't volunteer. But if you do volunteer then don't tell me 2 weeks before that everything we've talked about and planned has been thrown out the window and you're ordering pizza.  PIZZA!  Grrr.

 

She is a piece of work. I am sorry you have to deal with her. Just hearing about her puts me on edge!

gervaisj6

EXACTLY! She then tried to say that DH's father (they have been divorced for 20plus years...and she still talks crap on DH's dad) she knew his father that had an aunt that couldn't have kids... I am like I don't think she and DH have something genetic that causes IF...unless said aunt, has Sertoli Only Cell syndrome...Uh, male and female IF, are different....

vanessagorc

Good job being polilte.  Family can be a b!tch sometimes!

AuburnBride06

UGH people are SO ignorant. I am sorry you had to deal with that. I'd like to sucker punch her dumb @ss. You should tell the idiot that actually, IFers who go on to adoption very rarely get pg afterwards. And if they do, more than likely they werent really IF to begin with! Dipshit. Sorry but I hate people who spew this crap, not to mention the "own" baby phrase. Please tell her, from this adoptive mommy, that my baby would not be more my "own" if I grew him. And I know he is way, way more cooler than if he would have been if I had made him myself.

SweetDahlia

You are a bigger person that I am. I would have been balling or throwing her out. Some people will never understand.

Nature Lover

I know AuburnBride!  I think the "own baby" thing made me as aggravated as all the rest!  I know that if I adopted, the baby would be as much mine as if I had birthed it.  I have no doubt I would love it as much.  DH isn't quite there yet (he's open to adoption but hasn't quite released the idea of a child with a genetical link) and we would never move forward with adoption until both of us were 100% on board.  So if/when we do move forward with adoption, it will be because we know 100% that we are ready and that we will love the baby with all our hearts.  It will for sure be our own baby. 

I just think that creating a family is such a personal choice and process. I don't understand how anyone thinks its an appropriate topic to bring up to someone else but people do it all-the-time!!!

I jsut had lunch with DH (a rare treat given our work schedules lately) and he is going to talk to his mom :-)

babylove0511

wow, i cant believe you were able to keep your cool! things would have turned ugly at my house =/ i think your DH really needs to have a talk with her, and end it with mind your own business... ((HUGS))