Any military MoMs?

MaygenDL0ve

Hey there  Hubby leaves this weekend and won't be back until the boys' 1st b-day (hoping he makes it).  I know I can do it, despite not having family anywhere near, nor a bunch of friends since we just moved here.  But I'm still in need of some encouragement.  Maybe hearing that some of you have been there and done that.

The worst part is that I'm being so whatever towards my hubby  It's as if I'm treating him as if he's not there, to prepare myself for when he really isn't  

SoldiersGreenBean

There are a few - I am, Leslie is, and jcthomas was.

You can definitely do it.  Get into a routine, keep yourself busy with the kids and getting out of the house, try to make some new friends.  Try to set up something to look forward to every month, like a weekend trip somewhere or weekend visitors.  Is there an FRG that you can get involved with?

What's going on btwn you and your H is totally normal.  It sometimes feels easier to say goodbye to someone when you're mad or indifferent towards them.  It's a defense mechanism.  It's great that you recognize it - have you talked to him about it? 

lisa&andy

We've been there and done that. My only advice is to take one day at a time and take advantage of the childcare on post, you and the kids get a break from each other.

As for the "whatever" feeling, I think its normal, it just another way to deal with the situation. I am the same way, I think the quicker he leaves, the quicker it is over so I all but push him out the door. You can do this! 

jesidz

We are Natl Guard but have been deployed about every 3 years since 9-11. The only nice thing is that we are at "home" versus moving all the time. DH was deployed the entire first year of Max's life and it was hard. Of course you will do it bc you have to but I would definitely try to make some friends and a find a support network for yourself!

DH was supposed to be deploying this week but his Commander actually allowed another soldier who wanted to go to switch places with him bc of the twins coming and Stella still being so young (we will have 4 under 4) so he will be home on rear orders.

 Big hugs, hang in there!

*we always fight and get slightly indifferent towards each other before seperations, its the way we try to cope but it still sucks.

hunt2005

Navy wife here!

I don't have the experience with multiples and deployments yet, but I will soon I'm sure. Have you ever heard of the cycles of deployment? Totally normal to feel that way! https://www.cnic.navy.mil/navycni/groups/public/documents/document/cnicp_a144789.pdf

I definitely second using any childcare offers you can, on post or from friends. Even just one day off every few weeks made a world of.difference for me.

MuseumMaven

AF wife here.  I obviously haven't had to deal with babies and deployments, but I do understand what it's like to be in a new place and not know anyone, with two babies on the way!

DH and I used to get in a lot of fights around the time he was to deploy.  I think the stress can bring out the worst.  I think it's pretty normal.

Hang in there - you'll be fine.  Take advantage of all of the services offered on base - taking your LOs to playgroup could be a great way to get in touch with other moms in a similar situation.  Also check into respite care - most of the services will give you some free childcare if your spouse is deployed, which can give you a break to go shopping, get a haircut, or just sit in peace for a few hours.

bjsdshanahan

I am a Marine wife. I obviously haven't been through a deployment with any children yet but DH will be deploying when the boys are around 5 months old and return around their first birthday (well...depending on when they are born). His CO's wife gave me some really good advice the other day at our battalion baby shower (they have twin boys and he deployed when they were 6 days old). Here is the advice she gave me:

Try and get as involved as possible. I know our FRO plans monthly get together's for the wives and children during the deployment. Last deployment they had a spa day for the wives/moms and had babysitters so it was just a fun, relaxing day.

Join MoM groups or other mom groups. I am planning on joining MoM's and Stroller Strides while he is deployed. I figure that I'll be able to meet lots of other moms as well as get back in shape! 

Ask for help and don't turn down help. If another mom volunteers to watch your kids for an afternoon, take advantage of it. Maybe talk to your family and see if they could visit during the deployment in order to help out some. 

Plan something fun every month or every couple weeks so you guys have something fun to look forward to. I know that really helped me during our last deployment. I planned girls night outs, a trip, or even holiday events.  

Deployment is hard. Period. I can't imagine deployment with children...although I will be there this fall. Before his last deployment, I pushed him away prior to him leaving. I think it's a defense mechanism and completely normal. 

I hope it goes quickly for you guys! 

  

regenab

Coast Guard wife here. I am not like you other ladies in having to deal with deployments, but the position my husband does for the Coast Guard he is only home 3 days a month. So I am 24/7 MoM. I didn't have much outside help the first year with the girls because we were living my Northern VA and we had no family nearby. At 20 months old we moved me and the girls back to FL to be closer to family and friends for more support. At first yeah they were there, but now they all have their own families to deal with so, I don't really have help anymore. The one person who didn't have kids (she is 66 years old) is no longer able to help much because she is struggling with her COPD, dealing with compromised lungs and she is starting to take a turn for the worse and isn't able to leave the house much at all and cannot chase my girls around. So back to just me again. I am just kind of use to it now. I think because I have been doing it for over 2 years now. You get into a routine and the time just seems to pass.

Absolutely look into on post/base childcare services. I used this when I was in Northern VA, so I could do things like get a haircut and go to the dentist. Most have a program to give so many hours of free childcare for spouses of deployed soldiers. My babysitter did this, of course I didn't qualify because my DH wasn't deployed, but I know she watched other kids of deployed spouses in the evenings. Also check out your local area for a Mother of Multiples Club, I was in one in VA and they were so supportive. I really need to get into the one here, I just haven't made the effort, mostly because I would have no one to watch the girls so I could attend the meetings. But it would help with getting them out to playdates. Also you could look for a playgroup through Meetup.com. I am currently in a local stay at home moms group and was just at an activity this morning.

I have a little over 30 months to go until DH is home again full time. I always start to get indifferent towards him on about the last day before he leaves. I think it is my way of dealing with my feelings that he is going to be gone again for another 27 days. I will admit, I do have some resentment towards him in this area. But I get over it and just deal with it because it is not forever and if he could he would move home in a heartbeat. He is just busy serving his country right now. And I knew this when I married him.

Good luck to you and email me if you need to vent or talk, regenaburgner@yahoo.com. I am always available to listen.

TwinMama83

Navy wife here.

We haven't done any really long deployments (there is one coming up in August), but he keeps going out for one week here, and two weeks there.  He is currently gone for 2.5wks and comes home next Friday.  (I don't have time to read what everyone else posted so I hope I don't repeat!)  The hardest thing for me is the transition when he leaves and then the transition when he comes home.  Everyone always talks about how hard it is when they leave because suddenly your teammate is gone and you're now outnumbered!  You will adjust and you CAN do it.  Just get into a routine and get out of the house, some with the kids and some without.  I don't know why I felt like it was a splurge to get a babysitter for myself to go out alone, but I really NEED that break sometimes and it's worth every penny!

The thing that no one talks about is when they come home!  Once DH has been gone for a while I have my out routine worked out, my own timing for how and when I do things, and the house stays pretty clean because there is no one to get it dirty but me.  When he comes home it's like all hell broke loose.  Its hard to adjust to a "new" person in the house, even though it's your DH.  You just have to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that things may not be 100% perfect the second he walks though the door.  That was a hard thing for me to realize, but now that I do the transition is much easier.  

GL and you can do it!

mandi leigh

Hey! Marine wife here.

We did our beast of a first deployment when DD was 2 months old-he came home when she was a little over a year. He's about to go to AZ for who knows how long (great timing on their part!) and then has a good chance of leaving for you know where when the twins are only a couple months old, so we're definitely there!

I completely agree with PP's who say keep busy, get a routine, etc... and most importantly have a strong support group. I made it through the first deployment (I had a lot of health problems and DD had colic from hell till about 6.5 months) and those girls got me through it.

Hang in there!

MaygenDL0ve

Wow, some of you have done it harder than me....  Here I am freaking out about 7 months!!  Thanks for the support.  I am working hard at going to the spouse meetings, and looking for a church.  We live in an extremely small remote town, so there are no MoMs clubs, but I'm starting my OWN!!!  

It feels so much better hearing "been there done that and survived" from you all.  Thanks for the support.   

mandi leigh

7 months is 7 months-don't discredit yourself in the least bit. Any time apart stinks especially when it's missing milestones and having to do it on your own, whether it's your first time or fifth.

I've thought about starting my own MoM club too-or at least get other moms together for playdates, a less structured club I guess-our closest clubs are 1.5 hours away (there's one in each direction) so there's NO way I could do that! So if you do it, let us know how it goes!