2nd time moms - telling family, but don't want to tell 1st child too early?

vanillacourage

With DS we waited to tell both sides until we were almost 12 weeks along.  This time I didn't want to deal with the subterfuge, so we told my mom the day we found out.  I was thinking about telling DH's side of the family tomorrow at a big group dinner.  We don't have our 1st appointment until the 21st, but I'm just not as wound up about this stuff as I was the last time around. 

The only thing that is making me hesitate is that I don't know if I want DS to know until we're totally confirmed and have seen the heartbeat, b/c he's old enough now that if we did end up with a m/c he would understand what happened (plus my SIL had a baby last week so the idea of a new baby is pretty concrete at the moment).  It seems weird to tell the big group tomorrow and yet somehow try to keep DS out of the room, or tell people they can't make comments to him about being a big brother, etc.  WDYT?

HappyAardvark

I don't know, you have to go with what you're comfortable with, but my mom had 2 miscarriages (and they were later m/c's, sadly) when I was about 2-1/2 and 4 years old, and it wasn't traumatic to me - in fact, I barely remember it, and I was at the doctor's with her when she found out about one of them.  Kids, especially ones that young, are very resilient and move on quickly.

But hopefully you won't have to worry about any of that! 

kelly321

My MIL had my husband, then 2 more boys, then 3 miscarriages around the 9w mark followed by a fourth healthy boy. It was one of the first things she told me when I met her (a little bizarre, I know), but he didn't even remember, even though he was between 5-9 years old when they happened. It clearly wasn't traumatizing for him.

jennifer26

I think I'm going to wait until I'm at least showing to tell my kid.  Otherwise, I envision 9 months of her asking me where the baby is Every.Five.Seconds.  Can you ask your ILs to keep quiet for a little while?

pinksweetpea2

::de-lurking::

VC!  Haven't seen you on here in forever.  Congrats on baby #2.  

::goes back to lurking:: 

adri77

We are facing this issue this time, as DS1 was only 13 months when I got pg with DS2.  I would loooooove to tell him right now, but a.  He will tell EVERYONE (like his preschool teachers- people I don't want to know yet) and I also don't want to explain to him if we have a loss, don't want to put that on a 4 year old.  Soooo, we have told people, but in private, not in a big announcing way.  So I'd try to tell people in private! and just explain you haven't told your son yet, so they need to save thier big bro comments! GL!

cantalopes24

A 2 year old is not going to understand a gestational period. We told our son (4 yo) as soon as we found out because he is good at keeping secrets, and if something happens we are just going to tell him we decided to wait longer to have the baby. I don't see how a 2 year old could understand miscarriage or be traumatized by it. My mom had several miscarriages between my brother and I (he was about 2 the first time) and I can assure you he is not the slightest bit traumatized by that.

MsTammy

We told all the kids early. I was nervous about telling DS #1 since he is older, but if something where to happen, we would have to tell him anyways.

DS#2 is 3yo. We told him Mommy had a baby in her belly and he looked at me like I was nuts, then ran along playing. We keep kind of telling him to remind him to be careful when playing near me, etc. He honestly doesn't get it and probably won't until my stomach gets bigger.

vanillacourage

I get that 30 years later someone can say they weren't traumatized, but living through it at the time is different.  DS still talks mournfully about how one of his best friends at school scratched the hell out of his face several weeks ago (she got moved to another classroom b/c of it) and how much he misses her.  I'm sure he won't remember it in 30 years either, but in the meantime it's important to him now. 

Thanks for the advice all, DH and I decided to wait to tell his family until after our 1st appointment.  Like I said, my SIL's first baby turned 1 week old today, so it's not a bad thing for us to let it be "her moment" for a little while longer anyway.

And hi sweetpea!  :: waves back ::

peanutboogie

My DD1 is older but we told her early with her sister and with this one.  I wanted her to hear it from DH and I and I know that people can slip up.  Just do what you feel is best for your family:)  Goodluck

mabst196

I've actually mentioned it to DD a couple times and she doesn't seem to get it and we've had plenty of new babies recently for her to know what I mean. We'll see if she starts to get it when I am showing.

meredith anastasia

I think the hardest part will be helping him grasp the timeline, as a PP said.  8+ months is going to be a long time for him (hey, it's a long time for the parents to wait!) so I might shorten his wait by telling him later, personally. 

Not an issue in my house since DS is younger, but we think we'll have a 3rd so when that time comes, DS will probably be old enough to understand, and I can see us telling him a bit later on in the pregnancy.