July 2011 Moms

Houseguests after baby is born

For all you 2nd timers, how would you feel about having grandparents stay with you immediately after the baby is born?

 My MIL lives 4 hours away and is assuming she is welcome to come and stay with us for a week as soon as the baby comes (as in, she wants to be at our house when we come home with the baby). My husband doesn't really see a problem with it because to him, it's his mom. I'm really don't want someone there 24/7 while we are learning and adjusting to life with a new baby. Having someone around to help a few hours during the day is one thing, but staying with us is what I am having problems with. My husband thinks it would be rude to ask his mom to stay at a hotel, since there is no other family close by but I feel like I will need some space and alone time with our new baby. She and I get along fine, but we aren't really close.

 What do you think? Am I being reasonable or would I really end up appreciating the 24 hour help at first?

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Re: Houseguests after baby is born

  • jdm7jdm7 member

    can you ask her to come up the week after you get home? Is your DH taking a week off of work to be with you and the baby? Maybe you can ask her to come up and stay the week (and help) the week he is back to work. 

    You also need to get your DH on board with her not being there for the first week. It's hard to keep grandparents away because 1) they think they're helping and 2) they're just as excited as you are. 

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  • This was my situation last time around (and this time).  Both of our families live over 16 hours away.  My family (Mom, Dad, Sister, BIL) came to stay with us when DD was born (over Christmas).  I couldn't make family stay in a hotel over Christmas. :)

    I'll be honest.  I ended up having a cs and my family did just about everything for me while they were here.  I didn't cook one meal, clean my house, do laundry...anything.  It was really nice to have that help.  On the other hand, there were moments when I was tip-toeing around my own house and I felt guilty because I didn't spend a lot of time with them because I was in a fog with adjusting to new parenthood. 

    All that being said, bottom line (for me): we're doing it again this time around with DH's family.  For us, the pros outweighed the cons.  (I should also add that I have a family that is not overly intrusive...they would leave to run "errands" or something just to give us some time together) 

    HTH! 

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  • My husband and I are both teachers, so he will both be off 3-4 weeks before he has to go back to work. My mom is already planning on coming to help me out the week he goes back.

    I guess part of it is that I don't want anyone staying with us. We live in a 1100 sqft house with 1 bathroom and I'm afraid we will just feel on top of each other. Even my mom is going to stay with my sister who lives in our neighborhood and just come over during the day for that reason.

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  • I asked H for 2 days with no guests when we come home.  I know exactly how you're feeling: I want to be able to enjoy my baby (or break down crying) just us that first night.

    But this is my first, so I don't know how it's actually going to all go down.

    Since he feels it would be rude to ask her to stay elsewhere, maybe point out to your H that it was a little rude for his mom to assume she could come and stay without an invite?  Thank her for offering to help and just say how much you'd appreciate that help, during the day.

    Let me know how it goes.  I'm sure I'll run into similar problems with my MIL further down the road.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • imageFutureMrsWittig:

    I asked H for 2 days with no guests when we come home.  I know exactly how you're feeling: I want to be able to enjoy my baby (or break down crying) just us that first night.

    I like this idea.  If your MIL ends up staying with you--I think this is the perfect compromise, too.  

  • imageleighzlou:

    My husband and I are both teachers, so he will both be off 3-4 weeks before he has to go back to work. My mom is already planning on coming to help me out the week he goes back.

    I guess part of it is that I don't want anyone staying with us. We live in a 1100 sqft house with 1 bathroom and I'm afraid we will just feel on top of each other. Even my mom is going to stay with my sister who lives in our neighborhood and just come over during the day for that reason.

    Where is she planning to sleep then?  The couch?  I think it's fine to ask her to stay in a hotel.

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  • What we did with DD, and we plan to do again this time around, is have my mom come stay at the house while I was in the hospital (she took care of the dog last time and will take care of DD this time) and then the first night we are home. After that she went home for a week while DH stayed home from work.  When he went back to work she came back to stay for a week and a half or two weeks.  It was awesome having some time for the three of us to bond right after we got home and I wouldn't trade those days for anything.  Then Mom came back and took care of things while DH was at work.  

    If family was farther away I would have no problem asking them to wait to come visit until we had been home for that week and DH had gone back to work.  I also wouldn't allow anyone to stay who wouldn't help out with cooking, cleaning, etc. To me, they are there to help with the house and baby, not just hold the baby while you work.   

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  • My mother says she'll be staying with me for a month after the baby is born. We'll see about that........ she is afraid of cats. Wink

    I'm OK with it because it's MY mother, but DH and I agree not to have his parents stay with us. Luckily, he is very supportive of whatever I want because he knows that I'll be the one recovering from the birth. He says it's the mother's prerogative.

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    D: Born 7.14.11
    Baby #2: BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
    O: Born 3.2.14 (med-free!)
  • There is no way in helll I would let someone stay with me after I had baby. No way. Maybe a few weeks later, but not right after.

    You're a big leaking emotional mess those first few days, I didnt want to worry about guests too, especailly with little space & 1 bathroom.

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  • When my son was born - we had house guests for a entire month. Granted, we have four sets of parents who each stayed a week. A month was overkill - but it was really nice to have the help. They helped with everything - at the end I was ready to go postal but my husband I and went out to dinner a couple times and my laundry was always done and my house was always clean. On the day I was released from the hospital my dad invited his best friend and his family over (we are very close but come on!) and had a catered lunch - that was a little much. He was excited (first grandkid) and his best friend was excited so I let it slide, plus I was on pain killers so it was more tolerable....

    This time we will have guests but I will not have them for a month. Plus, it will be nice for my son to get some attention. I was thinking grandparents could take him to our club and give him some 1-on-1 time. 

    The two days by yourself sounds like a really good idea. Gives you some time regroup. 

     

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  • I'm pretty much in a similar situation. Both our families live 5 hours away and both of our moms want to visit/help right when the baby is born. I asked my mom to come first, then MIL, but my MIL called us flipping out crying. Drama!

    So, I decided I'm having them both come for only a FEW DAYS to help. Then I want my mom to come back and help when MH goes back to work. I would have them stay longer but since I don't want them both there that long at the same time, and my MIL won't negotiate, my MIL will only stay for a few days. Ha!

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  • imageleighzlou:

    My husband and I are both teachers, so he will both be off 3-4 weeks before he has to go back to work. My mom is already planning on coming to help me out the week he goes back.

    I guess part of it is that I don't want anyone staying with us. We live in a 1100 sqft house with 1 bathroom and I'm afraid we will just feel on top of each other. Even my mom is going to stay with my sister who lives in our neighborhood and just come over during the day for that reason.

    Wait, you'd have both your Mom and your MIL in an 1100 sq ft house? Heck no. That's way too many people. Ask her if anything to come the 2nd week and that she'll have to stay at a hotel.

    Isaac Levi 4/26/09 : BFP#2 - MC 9w : Ezra John 6/26/11 : Miriam Joy 4/12/13 : Naomi Ann 9/2/14

  • I'm having my mom stay with us (in the house) for about two or so weeks after baby is born. I figure it will be nice to have the extra pair of hands and knowledge.

    I wuld say that if you feel uncomfy, ask her to stay with you maybe the second week you are home. I agree that shipping her off to a hotel is probably rude (if you have the space to house her). BUt there's no law that says she has to be there right when you get home, KWIM?


    BFP #1 via IUI ~ L (Fatal Birth Defect) 4/7/10
    BFP #2 via IUI ~ m/c
    BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
    BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
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  • imageMrs.Leah.Maria:
    imageleighzlou:

    My husband and I are both teachers, so he will both be off 3-4 weeks before he has to go back to work. My mom is already planning on coming to help me out the week he goes back.

    I guess part of it is that I don't want anyone staying with us. We live in a 1100 sqft house with 1 bathroom and I'm afraid we will just feel on top of each other. Even my mom is going to stay with my sister who lives in our neighborhood and just come over during the day for that reason.

    Wait, you'd have both your Mom and your MIL in an 1100 sq ft house? Heck no. That's way too many people. Ask her if anything to come the 2nd week and that she'll have to stay at a hotel.

     Oh no! My mom is coming 3-4 weeks after the baby comes when MH goes back to work.

    We do have 3 bedrooms and one is an office/guestroom, so we do have the physical space, but its just really close quarters.

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  • imagemainemommy:

    There is no way in helll I would let someone stay with me after I had baby. No way. Maybe a few weeks later, but not right after.

    You're a big leaking emotional mess those first few days, I didnt want to worry about guests too, especailly with little space & 1 bathroom.

    This exactly.

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  • imageleighzlou:

    Oh no! My mom is coming 3-4 weeks after the baby comes when MH goes back to work.

    We do have 3 bedrooms and one is an office/guestroom, so we do have the physical space, but its just really close quarters.

    If your own mother can wait 3-4 weeks to come see her grandchild and "help out", then your MIL should definitely be able to wait at least 1 week. 

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  • my inlaws came up while we were in the hospital, and then left the day after we came home.  For the most part you are in your room with the baby so it wasn't that big of a deal.  I went upstairs to try to BF. 

    MIL wasn't a huge help last time, but I am expecting her to step up and take care of DD this time so I can do more 1:1 with LO.  What I am nixing is her thinking she needs to come stay for a week around the 3rd week when MH starts traveling again.  Um, no thanks.  She doesn't cook and FIL trashes my kitchen with orange pieces and wine glasses.

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    DD1, Kathleen 9/15/2007

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  • My SIL just had a baby last month and lives 4 hrs away.  My MIL and FIL went up the day they came home from the hospital.  FIL stayed for five days, and MIL stayed there for two weeks! HOLY MOLY!

    My family just isn't like that - and we stay in hotels ha.  I would go CRAZY if I came home with a newborn to my parents plus my in laws (sleeping on my sofa)!  

    So my plan is this - people are welcome to visit at the hospital and during the day when we come home.  My husband is taking the first week off to be home with me and the baby - No overnight guests.  The next week my Mom is coming for about 4 days to help.  After that, we'll see how it's going and welcome overnight guests as needed/wanted. 

     

     

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  • Well, I think it depends on how helpful your guests will be. If you feel like you're going to have to entertain them or keep your house perfect or cook every meal for them, then say no!

    My MIL (who lives 13 hours away) is coming up to help me around the house, do cooking, cleaning, etc. She has already said I don't need to worry about entertaining her, she just wants to help in whatever way she can (and of course see the baby!) She already said she is going to make some freezer meals for us for after she leaves...and watch the baby if I want to take a nap, etc. :)

    I'm actually excited to have the extra help, but I am glad she's coming about two weeks after the baby is born...she is going to be staying a few weeks, but I wanted to have some "us" time when DH is off work to get adjusted to life together as a family.  

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