DH confessed he didn't feel a part of the conception. :o(

Haven1

So last night was the first time since the boys were born that I didn't wear a nursing tank to bed.  I stopped nursing/pumping months ago, but I still wore it.

Anyway, I'm laying in bed irrationally crying to DH that time is moving so fast and that nursing tank was the last piece of the newborn connection we had. 

DH: I'm sorry you're sad.  I don't really get it since I wasn't a part of that whole feeding thing in the beginning though.

Me: It's dumb, I know.

DH: I didn't feel part of the conception either--

Me: WHAT?!  (queue baaaaawling) 

DH: Whoa, no no no.  I love our boys.  If we didn't go that route they wouldn't both be here.  Please stop crying.  That's not what I meant. 

Me: I'm sorry I have shittty ovaries!!

We knew what we were getting into with IF treatments, but I guess I was pretty me me me with it all. He's 100% bonded with the boys, very happy, and a fantastic dad. Clearly I'm over-thinking this.  But still, I'm super duper sad about it today. I thought once we expecting that our IF hell would be over. 

Temp159135562506975

IF effects everyone involved - and I think sometimes our DH's hold it in more b/c they know we hurt so much... but they do hurt, too - i think it's good he told you. In no way is he blaming you for it- it's just how he feels... probably how all men feel who have to spank it into a cup for us to get pg.

Hell- i didn't feel like part of my conception - laying on a table with my legs in stirrups does not = how I thought I'd be getting pg all my life... none of us do.

don't take it personally- i don't even know him, but i know he's not blaming you - i think he's just sympathizing with you as you were feeling sad- he was sharing something that he feels sad about, too.

and think about it- most people who get pg are just doing the deed and don't even know they are TTC at all - and BAM - baby.... so it's not like they were having romantic sex thinking about the baby they were creating that night- b/c most people don't even know it's gonna happen.... so i bet the majority of dads in the world didn't feel "part of the conception".

efhoping2010

I could have written your post myself though our reason for IF and IVF is due to DH, see siggie.  We both feel far removed from conception too, there is no passion no excitement no unexpected surprises just procedures and waiting and betas and waiting and if our FET does not take then back to IVF and if we run out of the PESA sperm more surgery for DH.  Conception with "IF" is all about

IF the lining is thick enough

IF there are enough eggs and ER is possible,

IF there are enough sperm and they are healthy 

IF the eggs are mature,

IF the lab could create embryos

IF it/they survived to 3-5 days

IF the ET was successful

IF it/they implanted,

IF it/they stick,

IF the beta is positive

IF the beta is doubling fast enough

IF there is enough progesterone

IF there is/are a heartbeat

IF we make it through the first trimester

IF we make it to viability

IF we have remaining embryos are they frozen, and we have to sign papers about what will happen to these embabies IF one of us dies or divorces.....

IF is what "IF" is all about?  

If we want to have more children it is make an appointment a few months before, get tested again for every possible malady or issue per the FDA requirements, take a whole bunch of meds and injections, and have an RE insert a droplet with embryos created in a lab.  Not very sexy or romantic not spontaeous not fun, tons of worry and heartache and awful scary decisions.

 Yet an amazing blessing no matter how conception occurs. ((hugs))

gumiberg

hmm, i wonder if my DH feels like he was part of it? We had male IF so had to do IVF and he had just started a new job so couldnt get off to go to ANY dr appts.  My mom came with me for all of them, including the transfer.  To this day I am not sure he realizes exactly how much I went through.  But I dont think that its important...he is wonderful Dad and at this point, its water under the bridge.

Oh, and funny story: The only appt my DH went to was the one he was required to leave his specimen. so, the first time he went he was in the room FOREVER.  and then he came out, looking all shy and embarrassed.  I figured it was just because it took him so long.  We're driving home and he is acting so weird!  Finally, he confesses that there was an "issue" in the room.  He had no problem finishing but he had a lot of trouble getting his specimen into the cup. Apparently it shot across the room and he had to get it off the floor.  LOL.  He had to go back and do it again.

doz&koz

I know my DH must feel this way, but he's never said anything.  We did an embryo adoption, so there weren't even any cups involved and he wasn't in the room when they were inserted.  At least he was involved with shoving a needle in a$$ twice a day for 12 weeks!

GSwans

Ohhhh.  I'm so sorry that he is feeling this way (and therefore, you're feeling sh!tty).  IF is the gift that keeps on giving....ugh.

I have no words of advice...except just keep focusing on all the positive (that both boys are here, that he is a rockstar dad, etc.).  And honestly, I'm sure he's totally not thinking this is all a big deal.

GL.

Leigh71

Ditto the pp who said their DH only came to 1 appt.   I felt very alone (gave myself all my shots, went to all the blood draws, etc. etc.)  IF sucks. 

There are days I think both of us feel there is a part of the conception/delivery etc. missing.... first, our infertility.... then having the girls 8 weeks early.  I began in stirrups...and I ended in stirrups in an emergency.  Our girls were never "placed on my chest"...or held by us... they were whisked off to a NICU for 5 hellish weeks.  This is when I felt my DH pull away...so to speak.  He couldn't handle the NICU time. 

He is an awesome Daddy and very hands on at home.  He loves the girls more than anything.  I think men feel the IF too.  They just don't word things well.  ((Hugs))