3rd Trimester
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mother of all hurt (vent-ish(cry rather than scream)

first a little background.. my mom has been an alcoholic for most if not all my life...its the one thing that has always separated us.

So tonight me and my mom were talking about when the baby comes (feeding sleeping yada yada yada) and well at this point she was starting to talk about "if" i have somthing to do (like doctors or somthing) where i cant take the baby and how she would take care of the baby. Well i took this oppurtunity to say " look mom dont take this as an insult or even as i dont want you around the baby, but i dont feel comfy leaving the baby hear alone with you drinking. Would you consider working on your drinking so that i feel comfy leaving the baby here with you alone first" She took it as i dont want you around my child.. and she pretty much gave me a F*ck you, have a nice life. Now this isnt a shocker to me as she has put drinking in front of everything, including her family. But it hurt. 

I know im not wrong, i want my son to grow up in a healthy and safe atmosphere. Not in one where he grows up thinking drinking is okay. Or even one where my mom drinks to much and passes out. 

It just hurts.. i think ive been crying for an hour. I guess I brought it up at the wrong time, or maybe the wrong way. In a way i guess i wish i could take back saying it to her at this point in time. But i know that i wouldnt have done it after my son was born, for fear that she would hurt me or my son physically or mentally ( and she has done both to me in the past)

I know you grammer nazi's are going to go after my post, but understand this was written crying and hormonal.... 

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

 

Re: mother of all hurt (vent-ish(cry rather than scream)

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    You did the right thing. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have had to set some boundaries as far as the kind of involvement he has in my life (and will continue them when LO is born). We've also set boundaries with my ILs because of their verbal abusiveness towards my husband and their general nastiness in regards to most of the family. I will not bring my child up around that and on one will make me feel bad about that. I know its hard but try not to blame yourself. You're protecting your child which has to be your first priority.
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    I'm sorry that this happened to you this evening.  I wish I had something better to offer other than a virtual hug. 
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    You definitely did the right thing but I totally understand why you're upset and crying. She has let you down again.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this...alcoholism is a very difficult disease to deal with.
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    You did the right thing. We have little to no contact with DH's family because of their poor treatment of him growing up and right up until now. My children have/will have my last name because of their ways.

    Is it difficult? Of course but I'm a mom and I need to put my family first and worry about other people's feelings second. You are doing your mother a favor by telling her to clean up - it's what's best for her health to stop drinking anyway. 

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    I'm very sorry you are going through this. I would try to realize that she responded this way because it is an addiction. You have to look out for your child, and I don't think a rational person would leave their child with an alcoholic either. Yes, you will probably be sad. But your child will be safe.
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    You definitely did the right thing, so don't feel guilty about pissing off your mom.  I haven't spoken to my father in nearly 2 years because he's an abusive drug addict.  I suffered for years because of him, and I knew with all of my heart that I would NEVER let my children feel that hurt.  It sounds a bit like you're in the same boat.  What if your mom gets drunk, passes out, and LO ends up choking on something?  Or what if she's drunkenly carrying him and drops him?  There's a physical threat there as well as an emotional one.  Your mom needs to wake up, take a look in the mirror and get help.  Hopefully a new grandchild will motivate her to do so, but until then you need to worry about your mental health and the welfare of your child.
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    You definitely did the right thing.  There was no way that conversation would have ever been easy; it's probably like ripping off a band-aid.  You are completely in the right not wanting your LO around someone who drinks that much; even if it's your mom.

    You can only hope that she'll change her behavior eventually because you aren't going to budge on this one.  As hard as it is, though, you can't cure her, she has to want to do it for herself.

    Good luck to you - don't doubt your decision!

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    I dealt with this with my sister with DD and I didn't not let her see her but I would have never left her with her and when she came to visit I would always make sure she was sitting down while holding her and I was watching them. It is a tough situation and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. Protecting your child comes first and it is your decision to limit a family member's involvement without completely not letting her see him. Hopefully it will motivate her to get help if you let her know she might be able to see him more or even watch him if she gets help.
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    I know it hurts and it's an awful situation to be in, but you did the right thing for your family. 

    I had to set boundaries with my parents and because of their choices not to change, I have little expectations of my children ever knowing them.  It sucks.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too strict, but in the end, I remember the reason I've set the boundaries and that if they chose to change their actions, they would have a relationship with my family.

    I'm going through a very similar situation with my mom right now and have talked to DH about it.  DH actually had to contact my mom today b/c she was sending me cruel texts because of the boundaries we've set.  It hurts that she can't just change for the sake of me (her daughter) or her grandchildren, let alone her own personal health.  Some people are just miserable and like it that way. 

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    thank you everyone for the supportive comments that have reassured me that i have made the right choice.

    I love my mom, she has been there for alot in my life. But i remember growing up thinking that was normal for mommy to be passed out because she drank to much... or... she would smell horrid by morning because of the beer. 

    But i also have a responsibility to keep my son from thinking thats normal. It hurts that she chose alcohol over her family, including a new grandson, but it happened. I know she will be there, but she needs to know that drinking and being alone with my son will be outt of the question.

    Like i said ladies thank you so much!

     

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    Lots of hugs for you.  Alcoholics are selfish (DH is 7 years sober and that's what he always says), and right now she's thinking of herself and not you or the baby.  Hopefully one day she will come around and at least pull her act together for long enough to spend time with you and LO without you being worried.  You're making a good mama move though, baby's safety comes first!
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    I am so sorry for the tough position you are. But just know you are making the best decision. You need to do what is best for your family. Yeah your mom might be hurt but hopefully doing something like this will lead to her realizing that she needs to make a change. I wish you the best!!!
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    Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. ((hugs)).  Unfortunately, in regards to bringing stuff up to addicts, it's never the right time or presented the right way, because no matter what you say or how you say it, you're bringing up something they've always either denied, ignored, or put first in their life.  They just don't get it, and unless they have a breakthrough (ie, hit rock-bottom and come up with the conclusion themselves), things rarely change.

    Feel good that you got it off your chest, and you and your mom had the convo, so there's no doubt as to where you stand with your LO.

    GL, and god bless

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