Blended Families

Not sure what to think (long)

DH and BM have never had a CO or any kind of agreement on custody or visitation. Since SS was a baby DH, MIL, or BIL would pick him up every weekend Friday-Sunday and every hpliday and all summer. Now that he's a little older (13) he has been saying he's busy when we or DH's family try and pick him up. He recenlty told us he has a GF. So DH and I figure he wants to spend time with GF which we dont agree with him having but that's another issue. My MIL,FIL, BlL recently moved to another state so they haven't picked him up and when DH asks him if he can pick him up he will give excuses that it's his grandmas bday party, going away for the weekend with his aunt, ect. DH has called him and he texts back saying my phone is not working I can only text. We feel like he's just using excuses to not talk so that he won't have to come over.

DH got a phone call from SS school saying that he is failing two of his classes. They said that his answer was that he's upset because his dad doesn't pick him up. They tried calling his mom several times and she never answers. DH made an appt to talk to his teachers tomorrow. DH called BM (she never answers his phone calls) but she actually called him back this time. DH said that after he told her what was hapening at school all she had to say to him was "Tell your wife not to be texting A to invite him places"

Since SS hasn't been coming over lately and tells DH he is busy everytime he asks I thought that I would give it a try. I have been texting him maybe every 3 weeks to invite him places that I take DS on Saturdays when DH works. He never responds to me and I never bring it up to SS when I see him because I don't want to pressure him. I try and give him his space. So finally this Monday(holiday) he actually responded when I invited him to the zoo. It was wierd because it seemed like he was going to say yes then he texted back sorry I have a party today. I thought it was wierd that he would have a party on a Monday. Then I texted him on Tuesday asking if he wanted to go with us to visit his grandparents this weekend and he responded again! He said he was going to ask his mom. I was so happy that he responded to me 2 times in a row. But now I know why he never did and why he hasn't went. It's because of his mom!

I guess I just don't get it. He is the one that tells DH he has other things to do when we try and pick him up, why would he say that? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but feel like it's because he has a GF that he's always texting and spending time with instead of doing his HW and concentrating on school. BM takes them places like theme parks movies and lets them be alone. She even lets them babysit her 2 yo daughter alone at their house. 

I feel bad because I wonder what his mom tells him about answering my texts. I feel sorry that he has such an immature selfish mother.

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Re: Not sure what to think (long)

  • Either he is playing each other or he is trying to make DH prove that he loves him.  If it is the second he is telling DH he does not want to go to him just to see if DH pushes back and it sounds like he instead is slacking and not stepping up.  Your DH needs to stop letting a 13yo determine their relationship, it will not get better b/c DH is giving in and it will get worse.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imageLittlejen22:
    Either he is playing each other or he is trying to make DH prove that he loves him.  If it is the second he is telling DH he does not want to go to him just to see if DH pushes back and it sounds like he instead is slacking and not stepping up.  Your DH needs to stop letting a 13yo determine their relationship, it will not get better b/c DH is giving in and it will get worse.

    I agree. I think SS is too young to decide when and where he wants to go. I try and stay out of it and let DH make his own decisions when it comes to SS even though it's frustrating at times. I feel that I should give him his space and let him decide wether to come with me and DS but DH should not even ask him. He should tell him I'm picking you up no excuses. DH says he doesn't want to force him to come if he doesn't want to, but my parents never gave me a choice at 13 if I wanted to go with them they would just tell me.

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  • Yeah, I think your DH needs to pick him up and if SS gives any fuss about it I'd say "Tough.  This was the reason you said you were doing badly in school so we're fixing it.  You'll have to clear your schedule for our time and you don't get a say anymore."  It DEFINITELY sounds like he's playing both sides.  It sounds to me like he wants to go places with you but then mom says no, and then he's probably complaining about your texts to BM to please her. 

    My SDs try to play both sides, the oldest one "tells" on the other parent whenever we do the exchange in order to watch everyone squirm.  We all know what's up and we all confront SD on it and stick up for the other parent so she's doing it less and less.  It doesn't sound like BM and DH are on good enough terms to do this in your case, but if they are you should try that.  Good luck!

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  • imageCurlyQ284:

    Yeah, I think your DH needs to pick him up and if SS gives any fuss about it I'd say "Tough.  This was the reason you said you were doing badly in school so we're fixing it.  You'll have to clear your schedule for our time and you don't get a say anymore."  It DEFINITELY sounds like he's playing both sides.  It sounds to me like he wants to go places with you but then mom says no, and then he's probably complaining about your texts to BM to please her. 

    My SDs try to play both sides, the oldest one "tells" on the other parent whenever we do the exchange in order to watch everyone squirm.  We all know what's up and we all confront SD on it and stick up for the other parent so she's doing it less and less.  It doesn't sound like BM and DH are on good enough terms to do this in your case, but if they are you should try that.  Good luck!

    Yes you're right. I'm going tell him to say exactly that.

    I just think it's so wierd about the text messages. I don't see him as the type of person to play both sides.

    Ya DH and SM have a really bad relationship but DH is mature enough to stick up for her but definately not BM.

    Thanks =)

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  • He might not be doing it intentionally. He might just be trying to please the parent he's with. I worry that when SDs are teens they won't want to come and they'll pull this stuff, DH will be so sad :( I hope it works out for you all.
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  • imageloriedy:

    imageLittlejen22:
    Either he is playing each other or he is trying to make DH prove that he loves him.  If it is the second he is telling DH he does not want to go to him just to see if DH pushes back and it sounds like he instead is slacking and not stepping up.  Your DH needs to stop letting a 13yo determine their relationship, it will not get better b/c DH is giving in and it will get worse.

    I agree. I think SS is too young to decide when and where he wants to go. I try and stay out of it and let DH make his own decisions when it comes to SS even though it's frustrating at times. I feel that I should give him his space and let him decide wether to come with me and DS but DH should not even ask him. He should tell him I'm picking you up no excuses. DH says he doesn't want to force him to come if he doesn't want to, but my parents never gave me a choice at 13 if I wanted to go with them they would just tell me.

    Honestly I think you should change your thought on this because your DH is not stepping up as a Dad, and from the sound of it has not been for a long time.  Do you have kids together or are you planning on it?  What happens if you wind up divorced, you want him to step up, this is your chance to help him or how can you respect him? 

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imageloriedy:
    [Yes you're right. I'm going tell him to say exactly that.

    I just think it's so wierd about the text messages. I don't see him as the type of person to play both sides.

    He is 13 and changing, you want the changes to be for the good not bad and if he is playing both sides it will be hard to recognize in a kid that you care about.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • Why doesnt your DH get a Court Order?  That would pretty much solve many of these "issues" with the BM and SS. 
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  • Yes I agree DH needs to step up as a Dad and make him come with us. The reason we never got a CO is because there was never a problem. BM was single for a long time and she was glad to have him gone all/every weekend so she can go out and party. Then when she had another baby she was even more glad for him to be gone so she can care for her daughter and even better all summer and every holiday.

    I try to let DH make the decisions about SS. I think the reason he doesn't make SS come when he doesn't want to is because he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. BM, MIL, FIL, BIL spoil him so much. They give him everything he wants, let him watch what he wants, eat what he wants, go to bed whenever he wants and do whatever he wants even if not good for him. Whenever he's with us we try and give him a little bit of discipline and it ends up backfiring because then he ends up rather going with my inlaws instead of with us on the weekends. I know it's not a good enough reason and he should still make him come and not let him decide. I don't agree with him not making him come, but I see why he does it.

    He's at a meeting today with Social worker from SS's school, SS and BM. Depending on how it goes today we will see if we will need to take it further with a CO.

    Yes we have a DS together that's 1 1/2 y/o and I def would not like him to be that way with him if we were ever to seperate.

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  • Is your dh physically speaking to him or is he always getting the excuses/nos via text?  Are you sure it isn't actually BM responding and the poor kid actually DOES think your dh just isn't picking him up?  You never know what a person will do.
  • imageloriedy:

    Yes I agree DH needs to step up as a Dad and make him come with us. The reason we never got a CO is because there was never a problem. BM was single for a long time and she was glad to have him gone all/every weekend so she can go out and party. Then when she had another baby she was even more glad for him to be gone so she can care for her daughter and even better all summer and every holiday.

    I try to let DH make the decisions about SS. I think the reason he doesn't make SS come when he doesn't want to is because he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. BM, MIL, FIL, BIL spoil him so much. They give him everything he wants, let him watch what he wants, eat what he wants, go to bed whenever he wants and do whatever he wants even if not good for him. Whenever he's with us we try and give him a little bit of discipline and it ends up backfiring because then he ends up rather going with my inlaws instead of with us on the weekends. I know it's not a good enough reason and he should still make him come and not let him decide. I don't agree with him not making him come, but I see why he does it.

    He's at a meeting today with Social worker from SS's school, SS and BM. Depending on how it goes today we will see if we will need to take it further with a CO.

    Yes we have a DS together that's 1 1/2 y/o and I def would not like him to be that way with him if we were ever to seperate.

    I am glad you are not taking any of this as a flame, so many people get defensive!

    Your DH needs to stop letting his family spoil HIS son (meaning it is not their child to let break all the rules even when they are harmful.)  He needs to take his time and tell his family that he is starting to have issues at school and part of that is because he is spoiled and your DH is putting his foot down, if they continue then he limits their time with them...actually their time needs to be limited anyway b/c DH needs to take him ever visitation he is supposed to get and then allow his son to spend time with his family instead of it taking the place of a visit with his father.  As you know, having involved extended family is almost always a good thing for a child but not at the expense of having a Dad.  I understand why you are taking a back seat but this is at the point of needing someone to tell DH that he is screwing up. 

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imagemlm1128:
    Is your dh physically speaking to him or is he always getting the excuses/nos via text?  Are you sure it isn't actually BM responding and the poor kid actually DOES think your dh just isn't picking him up?  You never know what a person will do.

    I don't think that's the case. I wouldn't put anything past BM but I think he has actually spoken to him sometimes not only via text.

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  • imageLittlejen22:
    imageloriedy:

    Yes I agree DH needs to step up as a Dad and make him come with us. The reason we never got a CO is because there was never a problem. BM was single for a long time and she was glad to have him gone all/every weekend so she can go out and party. Then when she had another baby she was even more glad for him to be gone so she can care for her daughter and even better all summer and every holiday.

    I try to let DH make the decisions about SS. I think the reason he doesn't make SS come when he doesn't want to is because he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. BM, MIL, FIL, BIL spoil him so much. They give him everything he wants, let him watch what he wants, eat what he wants, go to bed whenever he wants and do whatever he wants even if not good for him. Whenever he's with us we try and give him a little bit of discipline and it ends up backfiring because then he ends up rather going with my inlaws instead of with us on the weekends. I know it's not a good enough reason and he should still make him come and not let him decide. I don't agree with him not making him come, but I see why he does it.

    He's at a meeting today with Social worker from SS's school, SS and BM. Depending on how it goes today we will see if we will need to take it further with a CO.

    Yes we have a DS together that's 1 1/2 y/o and I def would not like him to be that way with him if we were ever to seperate.

    I am glad you are not taking any of this as a flame, so many people get defensive!

    Your DH needs to stop letting his family spoil HIS son (meaning it is not their child to let break all the rules even when they are harmful.)  He needs to take his time and tell his family that he is starting to have issues at school and part of that is because he is spoiled and your DH is putting his foot down, if they continue then he limits their time with them...actually their time needs to be limited anyway b/c DH needs to take him ever visitation he is supposed to get and then allow his son to spend time with his family instead of it taking the place of a visit with his father.  As you know, having involved extended family is almost always a good thing for a child but not at the expense of having a Dad.  I understand why you are taking a back seat but this is at the point of needing someone to tell DH that he is screwing up. 

    I am one of those people that are defensive BUT it's only when the responses are disrespectful and insulting. That's not the case in these responses. I love to hear other thoughts and points of views, so thanks.

    He has told his family that they need to stop spoiling him because it's bad for him. He didn't take him over there when he would pick SS up but then they would just go pick him up from BM. It's really hard with his family. They feel like they have to make it up to him that his parents are not together by letting him do whatever he wants and giving him whatever he wants.

    I spoke to DH last night and told him what I thought about the situation.

    He has a meeting today with SS's school BM ans SS so we will see what happens

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