If you've sufferred a loss... please help

lololoco

My SIL was 9 weeks pregnant but had a missed m/c - baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. They found out for sure today (baby was measuring behind and had no heartbeat last week). 

What is the best thing to say or do at this point? I feel so awful for them and I'm in tears thinking about it. I just cannot imagine how hard it is going to be for them to know that our baby is/would've been about 5 weeks older than theirs.

We were supposed to go to the beach with them for Easter.

Any suggestions for the right words to say or things we can do would be really appreciated. I don't want to hurt her any more than she probably already is

SarahRuthG

I would say what you said to us to her. "I dont want to hurt you more without meaning to. What can I do or say to help you right now?" Everyone is different and heals at different rates. Even though I am pregnant again I still think about my miscarriage and think how far along I would be and so on often. You never forget.... it just starts to hurt a little less.

rguinn75

I agree with PP... Just tell her how sorry you are and you're there for her when she needs to talk and tell her you understand if she needs a little space from you right now...

People don't talk about miscarriage because they think its contagious or that its not kosher to speak of... however, for those who have had the loss its the most lonely time in the world... And when you get pregnant again you become sort of this crazy person thinking about losing this one all the time... Just the support is worth more than anything else

rpm22

I think you have gotten good advice.  I was in the same boat over a year ago.  My friend and I were trying at the same time, she got pregnant first....then I did.  It was hard when I lost the baby to see her belly keep growing, but we got through it because we both worked really hard at being honest with each other. 

 I have to warn you though....the hardest day for me was when her baby was born. I cried all that day....even though my loss had been 7 months earlier, I just relived it over and over that day. 

Themetastic

I agree with what everyone else has mentioned.  Offer to be there for her whenever and however she needs it but don't be overbearing.  Don't bring it up unless she does.  I had a chemical pregnancy right before I got pregnant this time and when it first happened, I couldn't talk about it because all I did was cry.  In time, I talked about it, in some detail, to my close friends and it felt good.

I would send her a nice care package.  Maybe some cookies, a nice candle, bath salts, a book or magazine.. stuff like that.

I am so sorry to hear about this. 

Karen1998

rguinn75:

I agree with PP... Just tell her how sorry you are and you're there for her when she needs to talk and tell her you understand if she needs a little space from you right now...

People don't talk about miscarriage because they think its contagious or that its not kosher to speak of... however, for those who have had the loss its the most lonely time in the world... And when you get pregnant again you become sort of this crazy person thinking about losing this one all the time... Just the support is worth more than anything else

All of this.  You'd be surprised at how many people fail to offer support and how many people instantly forget about your loss when you're still grieving.  Just continue to give her support and understand that she may not want to hear about your pregnancy for quite a while.  It's not a slight to you, it's just that it's so incredibly painful for her.  Let her bring up your pregnancy before you talk about it with her.  And, it's fair to expect that she may want to talk about it one day and not the next. 

Also, try to only say things that recognize her loss.  This is something that's important to share with other family members as statements like, "It's God's will," "You just weren't meant to have that baby" and "It's better this way as something was likely wrong with the baby" fail to recognize that she had a loss and only make her feelings of loss worse.  It doesn't mean that they aren't true, they simply fail to validate that she is undergoing a major loss.  

KRicketts08

We went thru 2 losses. It's tough. Just let her know you are there to listen whenever she's ready to talk. You might could start with an email first so that if she does get emotional at least she won't have to face you just yet.

lololoco

Thank you all so so so much!

I am sorry for all your losses . I wish she didn't have to go through this... I don't think it's ever fair when it happens to any one!

rien713

Karen1998:

Also, try to only say things that recognize her loss.  This is something that's important to share with other family members as statements like, "It's God's will," "You just weren't meant to have that baby" and "It's better this way as something was likely wrong with the baby" fail to recognize that she had a loss and only make her feelings of loss worse.  It doesn't mean that they aren't true, they simply fail to validate that she is undergoing a major loss.  

This. I hated hearing that **** after my m/c. I was ready to throat punch the next person who told me it just wasn't my turn. Oh, the anger... =/

The more platitudes people tried on me, the worse it got. Oh, your heart breaks for me? Awesome, but that doesn't really ease mine. Oh, now we can get married first and then try again? DIAF.

Here's a list of more no-no's: https://miscarriage.about.com/od/forfriendsandfamily/tp/whatnottosay.htm

Personally, it was months before I could deal with the topic of pregnancy. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was some woman's huge belly in my face. I was so bitter, and jealous, and had a hard time being happy for anyone who was experiencing what I'd just lost. (ETA: what made it worse was not being able to suck it up and rein in those feelings. It wasn't my friends' faults that they had healthy pregnancies and I didn't; it just took time to be truly excited for them.)  So please don't take it personally if she avoids you; it's entirely possible that she just can't deal with your pregnancy while she's mourning the loss of her own.

You've gotten very good advice in this thread. Express your sympathy as concisely as possible ("I'm so sorry for your loss" covers all your bases) and let her know you're available to her ("Please let me know if you need to talk") and leave it. There's really not much of anything that anyone can say to make it hurt less. She will know you care, and that's all that really matters at this point.

Sara*n*Ryan

Karen1998:

All of this.  You'd be surprised at how many people fail to offer support and how many people instantly forget about your loss when you're still grieving.  Just continue to give her support and understand that she may not want to hear about your pregnancy for quite a while.  It's not a slight to you, it's just that it's so incredibly painful for her.  Let her bring up your pregnancy before you talk about it with her.  And, it's fair to expect that she may want to talk about it one day and not the next. 

Also, try to only say things that recognize her loss.  This is something that's important to share with other family members as statements like, "It's God's will," "You just weren't meant to have that baby" and "It's better this way as something was likely wrong with the baby" fail to recognize that she had a loss and only make her feelings of loss worse.  It doesn't mean that they aren't true, they simply fail to validate that she is undergoing a major loss.  

This a million times over. I felt like people wanted me to get over my losses instantly and I was just unable to do that. And I completely hated the "It's for the best..." type of comments. In my world IT WAS NOT FOR THE BEST! Obviously, now I rationally see that it was, but at the time it was not. My first loss came while my sister was pregnant and she was about a month ahead of me. It was so insanely hard to watch her belly grow, while I was back to TTC. She was pretty good about not talking about it to me too much, but every time she whipped out an ultra sound picture, my heart ached.

olivia_eve

I think you've gotten some really great advice here.  One thing I would add is that I felt like everyone was very good at being supportive in the very beginning, saying they were sorry, let me know if you need anything, etc.  But for the vast majority of people, that was it.  It was just a one time expression of sympathy, and then they moved on.  The few people who thought to ask me how I was doing weeks later were the ones who I really appreciated. 

itsmevkb

Mainly just tell her that you're sorry for her loss.  Please, please, please don't say anything like "it was meant to be" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby" or "you can try again soon", etc.  I'm so sorry is enough.

After that I would take her lead with regards to being around you and/or discussing your pregnancy.

Magoo12

itsmevkb:

Mainly just tell her that you're sorry for her loss.  Please, please, please don't say anything like "it was meant to be" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby" or "you can try again soon", etc.  I'm so sorry is enough.

After that I would take her lead with regards to being around you and/or discussing your pregnancy.

 

^This.

There are no real words you can say to make her feel better. But expressing your sympathy and letting her heal in her own time are really the best things you can do for her.

MrsGo4Hockeychick

if you don't know what to say, stop at "I'm sorry" it's when people feel like they need to say more that the word diarrhea starts and you'll say something insensitive or hurtful (even though unintentional). 

Bring a meal, or a gift card to a local takeout.

I will say, even if you need to set an alarm on your phone or on your calendar or something...remember her at her due date, even if it's just sending an "I'm thinking of you" card. I was so surprised at how hurt I was that not one single member of my family did ANYTHING to acknowledge that day. My friends were amazing. I got texts and phone calls...and a group of girls from my other message board got me flowers (a plant kind, not fresh cut) and gift cards to caribou and a massage. A friend from that board took me out to lunch on my due date. It meant the world to me that, not only did they remember, but they remembered in time to plan this gift and get it to my friend in time for our lunch. The flowers still make me smile.

MissLMS

Ditto to all of the above posts. Let her know how sorry you are about her loss... and be genuine about it. You more than most people right now should be able to empathize with her, because you know what terrible loss you would feel if you lost the LO you are carrying. It meant so much to me when my sitter actually cried with me when I told her what happened.

But, at the same time, give her space. Maybe you can get your DH to take her family some dinner one night. Or, in a few weeks, send her a gift certificate to get a pedicure just for the heck of it. At Christmas, my SIL sent me an angel ornament (5 months after my m/c) to let me know that she had not forgotten about my "angel" and that she was thinking of me during the holiday season. I cried but was so thankful that my child hadn't been forgotten.

Little things that aren't too invasive but let her know that you are thinking of her and are there for her.... not only now but in the weeks and months ahead. Just don't talk about your pregnancy at all unless she asks about it first.

ae1112

The hardest things that was said to me was, "everything happens for a reason."  One of my DH's co-workers brought us some food and a little basket with Mary Kay toiletries for me.  Although we told everone we didn't need anything, that was much appriciated.  The first few weeks were the hardest & we didn't even realize we were hungry until we had food around.  Talking in person or on the phone was really hard for us, texting wroked better in case we got emotional.  HTH and I am so sorry for your SIL's loss.